DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have just hosted the fourth get-together with friends and work acquaintances where invitations clearly stated BYOB and no one brought any beverages.

In college and the years just after, when we wanted to have a party, someone would volunteer their house or apartment for the place and everyone would bring something to eat and something to drink. Those were the days of the "What do I bring besides chips and dips?" quandary. Occasionally, there would be a get-together where someone would provide, for example, a keg of beer, and everyone would bring something to go on the barbecue grill. There were always a few who neglected to provide for themselves, but others' generosity covered them and a good time was had by all.

More recently, I have offered both place and food for socializing. I clean the house, and I plan, purchase, prepare and present food for a number of people and their partners, parents and occasional guests. On the invitation it is clearly stated BYOB -- and yet I find myself leaving my party to make a frantic run to the closest grocery store for beverages.

We are all in the same socioeconomic strata. I have taken care of the expense and trouble of the food. Yet purchasing a liter bottle of soda or a six-pack of beer seems to be asking too much.

I have tried to let it go, but it is really beginning to bother me and I do not wish to think ill of anyone. I cannot afford to supply everything all the time and do not wish to discontinue socializing. Please advise me.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners' advice is to face the fact that you and your peers have outgrown the BYOB party. This is a collegiate and internship form, suitable for people who have not yet mastered adult housekeeping and whose finances are so close to the edge that they cannot wait for the costs of socializing to be shared through eventual reciprocation.

True, your guests should not have accepted your invitation without accepting the terms you stated. But as you seem to have violated the social terms shared by your circle, let us call it a draw. The way to entertain them without buying drinks is to invite your guests to brunch, a picnic or tea.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The impending Fourth of July holiday, and all of the patriotic delicacies included with it, happen to fall right in the middle of the restrictive phase of a diet that I am participating in.

I have been invited to a barbecue and would like to go; however, I am convinced that there will not be any food there that I am allowed to eat. Would it be rude to bring my own food that is acceptable for my diet, or should I take my chances with the food that is there?

GENTLE READER: Neither. Democracy only works when people can pursue their individual needs and desires without violating the prerogatives of others. Miss Manners knows a simple way for you to eat your own food without usurping the hosts' function of providing food: Eat before you go.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently attended a black-tie scholarship awards dinner. I noticed that many women attending the event placed their purses on the table. Is this correct?

Did I commit a faux pas by placing my purse at my feet? I've never placed my purse on a table during a meal, no matter how informal the event, so please let me know if I have been incorrect.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners can assure you that you are correct in thinking that a purse should not be parked on a dining table. Especially if it is one of those whimsical evening purses in the shape of an apple or a chicken.

The correct place to park it is on the lady's lap. From there -- because the lady is wearing a soft evening fabric, and even high heels do not raise her knees sufficiently to have them serve as a barrier -- it slips to the floor. You seem to have put yours on the floor purposely, but the effect is the same.

The difficulty is in retrieving it. Ladies do not belong under the table, for whatever reason. It is therefore necessary to exclaim to one's dinner partner, "Oh, dear, I seem to have dropped my purse" and hope that he will stoop to the occasion.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: At the risk of sounding jaded, weddings appear to me to have become a mere festivity where some unfortunate host is required to entertain a sometimes large number of guests at increasingly outrageous costs. Not caring if we impress society or "keep up with the Joneses," my fiance and I have opted for an intimate, religious ceremony with a family dinner to follow.

In keeping with the spirit of the event, we would like to send handwritten invitations to the dozen or so invited guests. I had always been told "personal stationery" should be used for such invitations, but the half-dozen or so shops I have contacted have told me that "personal stationery" would bear my name, or my fiance's name, at the top of the page, and would therefore probably not be suitable for an invitation.

Somehow, this just feels like another money-pit scam on the part of folks who sell wedding accessories. When did hand-writing invitations become less proper than having expensive ones printed? Is it somehow necessary to spend a fortune, hire a calligrapher or have something printed up to be socially correct? Please let me know what is proper etiquette for wedding invitations.

GENTLE READER: While it is a novelty for Miss Manners to find someone even more jaded about the bridal industry than she is, let's not overdo it. There are lots of reasons other than social climbing that people give expensive weddings. Such as having too much money lying around.

It is certainly not propriety that requires this outlay. Even for a formal wedding, handwritten invitations would be highly proper, engraved ones being commonly used only because of the volume (and the unfortunate state of handwriting). But as your wedding is informal, the invitations should not be done formally, in the third person, but as letters from you, your fiance or your parents. Thus the personal paper would be that of the letter writer, although plain, unmarked paper is always also correct.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: One of our office staff members is going through a very rough time right now, trying to pass a kidney stone. We have offered all kinds of humorous suggestions on ways to relieve her pain and discomfort just to try to keep her spirits up. This has been going on now for several weeks.

Several times during the day, she feels the need to bring us up to date on her condition. She explains in graphic detail how she feels, where she believes the stone has moved to, and all the medicine she is taking and how it is affecting her at work. This includes every time she is the least bit nauseated.

We certainly are sincere in asking her how she is feeling and in wanting her to pass this stone so that she won't have to endure this pain and suffering. But we need some relief ourselves from all the gruesome details. What would be the correct way to handle this situation without hurting her feelings?

GENTLE READER: By stopping the jokes and pleading your own illness. You can still inquire kindly after her health, but then stop the recital by saying, "I feel for you so much, but I'm afraid I'm too squeamish to hear this." If this doesn't work, Miss Manners suggests putting your hand over your mouth and flashing a sympathetic look as you slowly retreat. If you could also manage to turn green, that would help.

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