DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently attended a black-tie scholarship awards dinner. I noticed that many women attending the event placed their purses on the table. Is this correct?

Did I commit a faux pas by placing my purse at my feet? I've never placed my purse on a table during a meal, no matter how informal the event, so please let me know if I have been incorrect.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners can assure you that you are correct in thinking that a purse should not be parked on a dining table. Especially if it is one of those whimsical evening purses in the shape of an apple or a chicken.

The correct place to park it is on the lady's lap. From there -- because the lady is wearing a soft evening fabric, and even high heels do not raise her knees sufficiently to have them serve as a barrier -- it slips to the floor. You seem to have put yours on the floor purposely, but the effect is the same.

The difficulty is in retrieving it. Ladies do not belong under the table, for whatever reason. It is therefore necessary to exclaim to one's dinner partner, "Oh, dear, I seem to have dropped my purse" and hope that he will stoop to the occasion.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: At the risk of sounding jaded, weddings appear to me to have become a mere festivity where some unfortunate host is required to entertain a sometimes large number of guests at increasingly outrageous costs. Not caring if we impress society or "keep up with the Joneses," my fiance and I have opted for an intimate, religious ceremony with a family dinner to follow.

In keeping with the spirit of the event, we would like to send handwritten invitations to the dozen or so invited guests. I had always been told "personal stationery" should be used for such invitations, but the half-dozen or so shops I have contacted have told me that "personal stationery" would bear my name, or my fiance's name, at the top of the page, and would therefore probably not be suitable for an invitation.

Somehow, this just feels like another money-pit scam on the part of folks who sell wedding accessories. When did hand-writing invitations become less proper than having expensive ones printed? Is it somehow necessary to spend a fortune, hire a calligrapher or have something printed up to be socially correct? Please let me know what is proper etiquette for wedding invitations.

GENTLE READER: While it is a novelty for Miss Manners to find someone even more jaded about the bridal industry than she is, let's not overdo it. There are lots of reasons other than social climbing that people give expensive weddings. Such as having too much money lying around.

It is certainly not propriety that requires this outlay. Even for a formal wedding, handwritten invitations would be highly proper, engraved ones being commonly used only because of the volume (and the unfortunate state of handwriting). But as your wedding is informal, the invitations should not be done formally, in the third person, but as letters from you, your fiance or your parents. Thus the personal paper would be that of the letter writer, although plain, unmarked paper is always also correct.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: One of our office staff members is going through a very rough time right now, trying to pass a kidney stone. We have offered all kinds of humorous suggestions on ways to relieve her pain and discomfort just to try to keep her spirits up. This has been going on now for several weeks.

Several times during the day, she feels the need to bring us up to date on her condition. She explains in graphic detail how she feels, where she believes the stone has moved to, and all the medicine she is taking and how it is affecting her at work. This includes every time she is the least bit nauseated.

We certainly are sincere in asking her how she is feeling and in wanting her to pass this stone so that she won't have to endure this pain and suffering. But we need some relief ourselves from all the gruesome details. What would be the correct way to handle this situation without hurting her feelings?

GENTLE READER: By stopping the jokes and pleading your own illness. You can still inquire kindly after her health, but then stop the recital by saying, "I feel for you so much, but I'm afraid I'm too squeamish to hear this." If this doesn't work, Miss Manners suggests putting your hand over your mouth and flashing a sympathetic look as you slowly retreat. If you could also manage to turn green, that would help.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Recently I rented a vacation house with some friends. I've known him for several years but do not know his wife well. She is purportedly a former debutante from an old moneyed family. Her sister and I were to share a room.

On the second day, I returned from an outing and discovered that the wife had exchanged their room for ours because she liked it better. I know it's not a big deal, but this really got me steamed. Had I been asked I would have offered my room. I acted as though nothing had happened so as not to put a damper on the holiday.

Did I do the right thing, or was I too complacent? Is this typical deb behavior? My impoverished and illiterate grandparents had an innate graciousness and I can't imagine them acting in a similar fashion.

GENTLE READER: You were so gracious in letting this brazenly rude act pass that Miss Manners hates to deprive you of the comfort of class warfare.

But as your grandparents might have been able to attest, false associations of money and manners can cut both ways. The usual way is to disparage the poor, on the incorrect assumption that what counts is not graciousness but particular knowledge of esoteric manners they have no occasion to use.

The lady was rude. Why should you want to give her the excuse of attributing it to an over-privileged childhood?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work for the office of a U.S. senator, where I am often in the position of writing letters to children. While it seems natural to address a little girl as "Miss Harris," it seems strange to address a little boy as "Mr. Johnson." The appellation "Master Johnson" appears to have fallen out of use in this country. We use the boy's first name in the body of the letter ("Dear Tommy"), but how should we address the envelope?

GENTLE READER: Would there be anything wrong with allowing youngsters to feel that they have a dignified senator who treats them with serious respect? "Master" is still used, although rarely, and perfectly appropriate. Alternatively, "mister," which seems strange to you in this context, may seem thrilling to the young master.

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