DEAR MISS MANNERS: As executor to the estate of my recently deceased father, I have discovered some "skeletons" that were never divulged. It seems as though my father was married to another woman for several years before he divorced and was married to my mother for 25 years.

Although my mother is now deceased as well, I'm quite certain no one was ever aware of this -- leading me to believe it was his decision for this to never go public.

To throw another twist in the story, he fathered a child with his first wife. I have a biological half-sister out there somewhere.

My take on it is that the half-sister is just that -- purely biological. Although curiosity does get me a little, we share no actual past together and she may not even be aware of my father's existence. It would not be proper of me to pursue this any further. My brothers, as well, need not know anything regarding my discovery, and the papers should find the shredder.

GENTLE READER: Yours is an unpopular view nowadays, and there is much to be said for it.

And Miss Manners promises you that much will be said against it. It is commonly thought now that there should be no family secrets, and that you owe it to your siblings, both known and unknown, to disclose everything you know about the family.

However, you have been charged by your father to carry out his wishes, and it does seem clear that he did not wish his previous marriage to be known to his second family.

It is not for Miss Manners to take part in this very personal moral dilemma of yours. Some lives may have been enriched by such disclosures, and others may have been ruined. The only help she can offer is to let you know that you are not alone in thinking that discretion can be a virtue.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The daughter of a friend of mine is preparing for her marriage next June. There are all the "traditional" events: the showers, the rehearsal and dinner, the bridesmaids' luncheon, etc., ad nauseum.

However, said daughter is miffed at her mother for her refusal to attend one new event. The event? Could you possibly believe prenuptial tattoos?

I am serious. This child had invited friends and loved ones of both families to witness the application of permanent tattoos on the prospective bride and groom! (I should point out that neither family belongs to an ethnic group that has supported tattooing in any form any later than the early Iron Age.) One hopes this particular event on the nuptial calendar dies an early death.

GENTLE READER: And that the marriage lasts. Painful as the tattoo-watching party must be, Miss Manners believes that it has to be better than the party they would throw in connection with the removal.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I have gone to visit several friends in the past few months, and have found myself in search of clean linens when wishing to take a shower, none are available. When I was growing up, whenever we had guests, my parents would always make sure a clean washcloth and towel were available for each guest staying with us. I thought that providing clean linens for guests was simply common courtesy.

But having come across so many people who don't provide such a simple item to their guests, I wonder -- am I being snobby or are they being sloppy?

GENTLE READER: Perhaps discouraged by guests who steadfastly ignore the guest towels in the powder room, they have come to think that all their guests are drip-dry. Or worse.

While hosts are supposed to supply towels, you can surely assume the failure to do so was an oversight and request them. Miss Manners only hopes that you discovered the omission before you turned on the water.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Hoo, boy. My live-in boyfriend found out his mother paid less for her cable service than we do, and asked to borrow one of her bills so that I could find out what her deal was and maybe get the same one. I did, and found we had more channels than she; I put a yellow Post-It on the bill reading, "She's got fewer channels than we do -- can't do any better."

He inadvertently gave the bill back to her with the Post-It still intact. She asked him to have me call her, then blasted me for referring to her as "she." "I'm not a 'she,'" she maintained in the most adamant terms. "I have a name, and I insist that you use it when referring to me."

I think this is utterly crazy-nutso-cuckoo. However, I have to live in this family. Do I need to apologize for using a pronoun in a private note that was misdirected to her attention, or should I just pretend the entire conversation (during which I could not get a word in edgewise) never happened?

I'm not kidding, by the way.

GENTLE READER: Hoo, boy, is right. This lady is spoiling for a fight, and Miss Manners is afraid that anything short of an apology will deliver it to her.

Referring to people by using pronouns is an insult only when obviously done to avoid pronouncing the name. You could hardly be expected to scrawl a note saying "Mrs. Humper has fewer channels..."

Only she has announced that she does expect it. If you value peace, Miss Manners recommends writing her a note along these lines: "Dear Mrs. Humper. I want to assure you, Mrs. Humper, that I meant no disrespect. I am delighted to have the privilege of knowing you, Mrs. Humper, and am distressed that I inadvertently displeased you. Believe me, Mrs. Humper, to be your sincere admirer..."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I know you oppose having wedding guests "cater" a wedding reception, but my situation seems different. I am paying for all the food and decorations, but I have some talented relatives who want to help decorate the church before the wedding and clean it afterward, and some relatives who want to serve punch, cut cake, buy and assemble sandwiches and hors d'oeuvres (I am paying them back for this), and decorate the reception hall and clean up and do dishes after it's all over.

Pretty much all my relatives (four generations) that I see every summer at our family campout are going to work all day and all evening of the wedding/reception to make it special for me, but they want to and they'll be there anyway, so why should I spend extra money on strangers to come be decorators, caterers and dishwashers when this would just leave my relatives with nothing to help out with?

GENTLE READER: The key to what would make your situation different from that of the folks who think that the momentous occasion of their marriages entitles them to conscript everyone they know into service is in that question of your relatives wanting to.

How do you know they want to? If they have said, "Please, please, let us do something, we want to be involved so we feel it is truly a family wedding," Miss Manners has no objection to their doing whatever it is that they volunteer to do. If you know because you just figure that it would be an honor to serve you, the objection stands.

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