DEAR MISS MANNERS: My girlfriend has a close friend who strongly disapproves of me and of my relationship with my girlfriend. (I'm not real crazy about him, either.) My own view is that, under such circumstances, he and I both have an obligation to my girlfriend to try to get along with each other, for her sake.

In that regard, I have tried repeatedly to bury the hatchet and be at least coolly civil to him, although it is highly unlikely that he and I will ever actually get along. His response to this has been to refuse to speak to me.

My letters to him go unanswered, and whenever he has something he wants to say to me -- regardless of the nature of the communication -- he insists on relaying it through my girlfriend. To this day, he has never once spoken to me directly.

I have tried to explain to my girlfriend (and to him, through her) that refusing to speak to someone is an extremely grave insult -- perhaps the worst insult that one human being can give to another one -- but she doesn't understand what I mean, and she insists that I "must be lying" when I say that.

That being the case, would Miss Manners be so kind as to explain that his behavior is, indeed, a serious insult to me, and why the insult is so profound? Or, conversely, she may explain why I am wrong in feeling the way I do, in which case I will gladly apologize to him.

GENTLE READER: You are quite right that shunning is one of the worst insults one person can offer another. The premise is that the ignored person is scarcely human and that nothing he has to say is of any value.

But do you know what insult is right up there with it?

Calling someone a liar. You can say that someone might be mistaken, you can quarrel with interpretations, but when you say the other person is lying, it, too, means that his word is worthless.

As it is the lady in question who called you a liar, Miss Manners suggests that you air that issue before worrying about her friend.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: This has been broached by you, but never answered: When visiting a professional, e.g., a dentist or physician, the staff (without introductions!) calls me "Mary." The said professional comes in and says, "How are you, Mary? I am Dr. Smoot." This irritates me on several levels:

I am a professional PAYING this person for a service. If we are on first-name basis, why am I not told, "Hi, Mary, I am Joe -- the dentist"?

Since I despise inequity and I AM paying this dude -- shall I just return the first-name salutation or tell him and his staff that I prefer "Ms. Smith"?

When I AM called by my last name, I am often called Mrs., although I have preferred "Ms." for most of my 50 years. (Please note that I addressed this to MISS Manners, knowing your preference!) HELP! The older I get, the crankier I am about such things.

GENTLE READER: Never answered? Where have you been?

Miss Manners does not broach and run.

Familiarity that is uneven, unauthorized and unwelcome has been one of the perennial problems since Miss Manners took up this august calling. Most offenses are committed by people who claim they are "just being friendly" in a situation where friendship is clearly not in the offing.

You need only say pleasantly, "I prefer to be called Ms. Smith," and ask the receptionist to make a note of this on your record.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I need a better way to handle anger!

First, a young relative, a new driver, backed his car into mine. I never doubted his parents would pay for the damage. Nevertheless, I was irritated, I think forgivably.

Yet shortly afterward, another relative, observing my crossness, admonished me to focus on the poor driver's feelings. Now, I love this kid, and I know he was sorry. But -- my car!

Another incident occurred just before a dinner party, when the host's large, unruly dog climbed onto the dining table while the party was elsewhere and devoured a cake I had brought. The host's reaction, after ineffectually "banishing" the dog, was to imply that I should have known better and, when I didn't instantly snap out of my bad humor (my cake!), to blithely ask how he could "cheer me up." Grrr.

Miss Manners, in neither case did I explode or make a scene. These were obviously accidents, though careless ones, and in the case of the cake, clearly preventable (one would think).

But what was I to do? I couldn't leave, which would have looked like stomping off. At the same time, I couldn't cheerily assure everyone that what happened was "OK." It wasn't!

Was I wrong to be quietly but visibly out of sorts? I'm not a pouter by nature, and I did eventually perk up, as commanded. But some uncomfortable minutes -- for everyone -- were endured in the interval.

GENTLE READER: Just a minute -- before Miss Manners answers your question, she wants to look for cover. Grrr, and all that.

This is because your clumsy relatives and friends are right. Not about destroying your property, but about attempting to dispel the natural result.

The correct thing for you to have done would have been to rush up to your nephew and cry, "Darling, are you all right? Oh, don't worry about the car. It can be fixed. I was just worried about you." (The last sentence is supposed to account for the look of anguish on your face as you watched your car crumple.)

In the case of the dog, you could have toned it down somewhat. "Is he going to be all right?" you should have asked the owner. "I don't think it's good for dogs to eat sweets."

Naturally, these responses outrage every fiber of your being. That's because they are civilized. The damage is done, and there is no use making others feel worse than we hope they already do.

Miss Manners does not minimize the amount of self-control it takes to look on with equanimity while one's property is demolished. It takes practice. But it sounds as if the circles in which you move are prepared to offer you that.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have been invited to a dinner party and I know they are serving pork ribs. My husband does not like pork or beef. Do I tell the hostess to avoid embarrassing him or not? If he is not eating them, she will want to know why.

GENTLE READER: Why?

No, not why doesn't he like pork ribs. Miss Manners can think of a multitude of reasons, and is not wildly excited to know which of them happens to be his.

Her question is why the hostess will want to know, or why you are so sure that she will ask. It is rude to monitor what the guests are eating. But you are probably right, people do that.

So the question is why your husband need be embarrassed, and the answer is that he needn't. If asked, he should reply, "Thanks, I'll skip them, but would you pass that delicious salad, please?"

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way to dispose of obituaries you receive at funerals? I feel bad just throwing them in the trash.

GENTLE READER: As well you should. The proper way is to keep them forever in a prettily lined box, taking them out now and then to think kind thoughts about the deceased.

As this is a private act, no one will know if you do it or not. But if you use a trash basket anywhere in the neighborhood of the funeral, burial or house of the bereaved, Miss Manners is afraid that they will know.

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