DEAR MISS MANNERS: I need a better way to handle anger!

First, a young relative, a new driver, backed his car into mine. I never doubted his parents would pay for the damage. Nevertheless, I was irritated, I think forgivably.

Yet shortly afterward, another relative, observing my crossness, admonished me to focus on the poor driver's feelings. Now, I love this kid, and I know he was sorry. But -- my car!

Another incident occurred just before a dinner party, when the host's large, unruly dog climbed onto the dining table while the party was elsewhere and devoured a cake I had brought. The host's reaction, after ineffectually "banishing" the dog, was to imply that I should have known better and, when I didn't instantly snap out of my bad humor (my cake!), to blithely ask how he could "cheer me up." Grrr.

Miss Manners, in neither case did I explode or make a scene. These were obviously accidents, though careless ones, and in the case of the cake, clearly preventable (one would think).

But what was I to do? I couldn't leave, which would have looked like stomping off. At the same time, I couldn't cheerily assure everyone that what happened was "OK." It wasn't!

Was I wrong to be quietly but visibly out of sorts? I'm not a pouter by nature, and I did eventually perk up, as commanded. But some uncomfortable minutes -- for everyone -- were endured in the interval.

GENTLE READER: Just a minute -- before Miss Manners answers your question, she wants to look for cover. Grrr, and all that.

This is because your clumsy relatives and friends are right. Not about destroying your property, but about attempting to dispel the natural result.

The correct thing for you to have done would have been to rush up to your nephew and cry, "Darling, are you all right? Oh, don't worry about the car. It can be fixed. I was just worried about you." (The last sentence is supposed to account for the look of anguish on your face as you watched your car crumple.)

In the case of the dog, you could have toned it down somewhat. "Is he going to be all right?" you should have asked the owner. "I don't think it's good for dogs to eat sweets."

Naturally, these responses outrage every fiber of your being. That's because they are civilized. The damage is done, and there is no use making others feel worse than we hope they already do.

Miss Manners does not minimize the amount of self-control it takes to look on with equanimity while one's property is demolished. It takes practice. But it sounds as if the circles in which you move are prepared to offer you that.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have been invited to a dinner party and I know they are serving pork ribs. My husband does not like pork or beef. Do I tell the hostess to avoid embarrassing him or not? If he is not eating them, she will want to know why.

GENTLE READER: Why?

No, not why doesn't he like pork ribs. Miss Manners can think of a multitude of reasons, and is not wildly excited to know which of them happens to be his.

Her question is why the hostess will want to know, or why you are so sure that she will ask. It is rude to monitor what the guests are eating. But you are probably right, people do that.

So the question is why your husband need be embarrassed, and the answer is that he needn't. If asked, he should reply, "Thanks, I'll skip them, but would you pass that delicious salad, please?"

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way to dispose of obituaries you receive at funerals? I feel bad just throwing them in the trash.

GENTLE READER: As well you should. The proper way is to keep them forever in a prettily lined box, taking them out now and then to think kind thoughts about the deceased.

As this is a private act, no one will know if you do it or not. But if you use a trash basket anywhere in the neighborhood of the funeral, burial or house of the bereaved, Miss Manners is afraid that they will know.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently made my first visit to a foreign country where the language, customs and general comportment were different from what I expect as an American.

Of particular concern to me was how I should behave when confronted with something I found unpleasant, uncomfortable or rude. Some of the examples are minor and probably stem from language difficulties, as when a waiter says, "Wine, lady?" Others are more extreme. A man on a city street blocked my path to try to sell me something and wouldn't take "No, gracias" for an answer. A man asked my husband in front of me if he would like to buy his "other wife." A waiter seemed confused that I was bothered by finding hair in my food.

As polite behavior precludes accosting strangers on the street, I was unprepared for all of this. What would Miss Manners suggest for my next trip?

GENTLE READER: A different country.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What are the rules for (not) accompanying one's significant other to funerals, weddings and other emotionally charged social functions?

My beloved recently lost an uncle whom she had not seen in 15 or 20 years. By all accounts, the man was a jerk -- abusive to his family, addicted to painkillers, with vague mob connections (really). My partner never liked the man, but because she knew him as a child and is in touch with the deceased's children, she plans to attend the memorial service.

Here is the problem: My partner was upset that I did not offer to accompany her to the funeral, which is out of town. I never met the man. Given that I did not know the deceased and barely know his family, along with the lack of close relationship between my partner and the deceased, why would my absence, particularly for an out-of-town funeral, be a big deal?

If the person who died had been one of his children whom I've met, of course I would go to the funeral. I would not expect my partner to attend out-of-town funerals of my distant relatives or of family friends whom she never met, regardless of the relationship I had to the deceased. But are husbands/wives/partners required to accompany each other to all such events? I could use some guidelines!

GENTLE READER: There is nothing wrong with the guidelines you have, except that you only have one set. Miss Manners is afraid that the situation calls for using one you don't seem to have.

The factors that should influence whether to attend a funeral are the nature of the tie between you and the deceased and the degree of affection or respect you have for that person. If the tie is strong enough, there need not be respect; if the respect is great, you need not have much of a direct tie. On those grounds, you would be right about not attending the funeral of someone you neither know nor respect.

However, the other set of guidelines has to do with the feelings of the person to whom you do have ties and for whom you feel affection. This is easier than weighing factors. All you have to ask is, "Honey, do you want me to go with you?" and abide by the answer.

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