DEAR MISS MANNERS: I read a lot about religion and have become interested in a specific faith that happens to have a church near my house. I am most definitely not interested in converting to this faith as I am secure in my own, but I do find their beliefs and practices interesting for purely intellectual reasons.

I want to attend one of their Sunday services, but a friend told me it would be unspeakably rude and deceptive to do so, since I do not intend to take on their faith as my own and am no better than a "gawker." My intention is not to gawk or make a spectacle of myself of course, but merely to quietly observe the service for my own education. Do you think it would be rude and wrong to do this?

GENTLE READER: That's not gawking. Gawking is when you tap people on the shoulder while they are praying and ask them to let you by to see the paintings. Serious religion is regarded as a never-ending quest, and regular church services are considered to be open -- even welcoming -- to well-behaved visitors, as you have assured Miss Manners you will be.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our daughter will graduate from high school this June. While we were discussing how she'd like to celebrate, she made it clear that she was unwilling to invite some of her close relatives as they will embarrass her.

Granted, some family members have quirks, like preaching, complaining or overeating. However, we let our daughter know EVERYONE has relatives like this and her guests wouldn't be offended in such company, thus she shouldn't be embarrassed. She maintains it would ruin her affair. In the end we told her she could have the party, but must eliminate all of that side of the family so no one member is slighted.

This has left us feeling bad. We love all of our family members, quirks and all. She says she loves them, too, just not at her party.

Family is family and all would enjoy her graduation. Please let us know if we should give in to this selfish child's desire and exclude half of the family from the celebration. At this point I feel as if we shouldn't have a gathering at all, which is a disappointment, too. What should we do?

GENTLE READER: Exclude the other half of the family.

No, wait -- your daughter did not ask Miss Manners to say that. We should all cherish our quirky relatives, not least because that is how they might define us.

It is difficult to give a party for both teenagers and adults, as they have different ideas of what constitutes a good time and different definitions of "loud." There are ceremonial occasions on which one must give such a party, and Miss Manners will unhesitatingly support you if your daughter makes the same argument in regard to her wedding.

But graduation night is best left to the (heavily supervised) young. Unless you have the room and the energy to throw, in effect, simultaneous parties that are mixed only for greetings and perhaps a celebratory toast (incidentally minimizing the time at which your daughter's friends observe her relatives' quirks), Miss Manners recommends having your family party at a different time.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of my wife's borrowed one of her formal dresses for a party last weekend. The day after, her friend called my wife and explained that she had been careful to keep it clean and was very grateful for her lending the dress. She would be by to return the dress later that day.

Shouldn't my wife's friend have had the dress cleaned prior to returning? At a minimum, shouldn't she have offered to get the dress cleaned? My wife is too kind to say anything to her friend, but I can tell it is eating her up. What should my wife have done?

GENTLE READER: Resolved never to lend this lady her handkerchief.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: After the houseguests we entertained had left, we discovered that a special coffee mug was missing. It was part of a set. I was both surprised and upset.

In mentioning this to a friend, she relayed a similar experience. Her missing item was a small, portable television. My aunt had a similar experience. In her case it was a miniature antique bronze.

One, is this more common than I would ever have imagined?

Two, does one address situations like this, or let them pass and simply not have these guests visit again?

Three, should these guests ask about visiting again, what does one say? Do we then raise the issue, or simply say we have other plans?

In all three instances the objects were taken without the knowledge of the other family members, so calling to visit again may be innocent on the part of the caller. I remain dumbstruck that friends and family would do something like this.

GENTLE READER: It seems to be common in your circles, which Miss Manners would suggest checking out more carefully. Petty thievery is so often directed at public accommodations that many no longer consider it dishonest, but she would hate to think that this appalling attitude had spread to stealing from friends.

The polite way to investigate -- and the safe one, in case you are mistaken -- is to ask the guests if they happened to notice the item that you have been unable to find. If you are not able to tell from the tone of the reply, you may at least be sure that the guilty parties will not be inviting themselves back. Let us hope that your friends will only have to suffer the embarrassment of confessing to the lesser crime of having failed to tell you about breaking your cup.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Recently, an old classmate was brutally murdered out of state. Another classmate took it upon herself to e-mail quite a few of us, with a prototype letter included, to ask us to write to an official in the murdered party's state asking for the death penalty. I was shocked by this request, personally not believing in the death penalty. How does one respond to such a soul-searching request?

GENTLE READER: A mass mailing for a cause, even one from an acquaintance, does not require a response. In addition, Miss Manners would like you to remember that mourning is a particularly bad time to argue such an issue. You do not agree with your classmate, so you simply do not fulfill the request.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please settle a 31-year-old dispute between my wife and her family and myself.

What is the proper direction to pass bowls and platters at a formal table setting? I believe the proper way is to pass to the right (counterclockwise), but my wife and her family swear by the expression "pass to the left and you'll always be right." Help needed, I'm outnumbered.

GENTLE READER: Cute memory device. Too bad it's wrong.

Platters are generally passed to the right because most people are right-handed, and can help themselves more easily when holding the plate with the left hand. A left-handed family might choose to do the opposite.

Now Miss Manners has a question for you:

What are you going to talk about for the next 31 years?

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