DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of my wife's borrowed one of her formal dresses for a party last weekend. The day after, her friend called my wife and explained that she had been careful to keep it clean and was very grateful for her lending the dress. She would be by to return the dress later that day.

Shouldn't my wife's friend have had the dress cleaned prior to returning? At a minimum, shouldn't she have offered to get the dress cleaned? My wife is too kind to say anything to her friend, but I can tell it is eating her up. What should my wife have done?

GENTLE READER: Resolved never to lend this lady her handkerchief.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After the houseguests we entertained had left, we discovered that a special coffee mug was missing. It was part of a set. I was both surprised and upset.

In mentioning this to a friend, she relayed a similar experience. Her missing item was a small, portable television. My aunt had a similar experience. In her case it was a miniature antique bronze.

One, is this more common than I would ever have imagined?

Two, does one address situations like this, or let them pass and simply not have these guests visit again?

Three, should these guests ask about visiting again, what does one say? Do we then raise the issue, or simply say we have other plans?

In all three instances the objects were taken without the knowledge of the other family members, so calling to visit again may be innocent on the part of the caller. I remain dumbstruck that friends and family would do something like this.

GENTLE READER: It seems to be common in your circles, which Miss Manners would suggest checking out more carefully. Petty thievery is so often directed at public accommodations that many no longer consider it dishonest, but she would hate to think that this appalling attitude had spread to stealing from friends.

The polite way to investigate -- and the safe one, in case you are mistaken -- is to ask the guests if they happened to notice the item that you have been unable to find. If you are not able to tell from the tone of the reply, you may at least be sure that the guilty parties will not be inviting themselves back. Let us hope that your friends will only have to suffer the embarrassment of confessing to the lesser crime of having failed to tell you about breaking your cup.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Recently, an old classmate was brutally murdered out of state. Another classmate took it upon herself to e-mail quite a few of us, with a prototype letter included, to ask us to write to an official in the murdered party's state asking for the death penalty. I was shocked by this request, personally not believing in the death penalty. How does one respond to such a soul-searching request?

GENTLE READER: A mass mailing for a cause, even one from an acquaintance, does not require a response. In addition, Miss Manners would like you to remember that mourning is a particularly bad time to argue such an issue. You do not agree with your classmate, so you simply do not fulfill the request.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please settle a 31-year-old dispute between my wife and her family and myself.

What is the proper direction to pass bowls and platters at a formal table setting? I believe the proper way is to pass to the right (counterclockwise), but my wife and her family swear by the expression "pass to the left and you'll always be right." Help needed, I'm outnumbered.

GENTLE READER: Cute memory device. Too bad it's wrong.

Platters are generally passed to the right because most people are right-handed, and can help themselves more easily when holding the plate with the left hand. A left-handed family might choose to do the opposite.

Now Miss Manners has a question for you:

What are you going to talk about for the next 31 years?

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My girlfriend and I were discussing whether or not it is polite to ask someone, especially a close friend, the size (carats) of their engagement ring. My girlfriend believes it is very rude and in bad taste to ask. I, on the other hand, think it is completely acceptable to ask a friend the size of their ring. Please help us out.

GENTLE READER: Presuming you can take your eyes off the rock for a minute, Miss Manners suggests that you take a look at the subtext of your question.

It is not a general curiosity about gemology that prompts you to ask the number of carats, is it? That interest can easily be satisfied with a visit to a jeweler's. These professionals even have little charts you can use as study guides so you can -- for reasons best kept to yourself -- learn to identify the size of your friends' rings without asking.

So what does this question to a friend mean? How rich is her fiance? How much does he love her?

These are not polite inquiries. The correct response to being shown someone's new engagement ring, whether or not the diamond is visible to the naked eye, is "Oh, how beautiful!"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can you please address the topic of etiquette for Instant Messenger correspondents? Many is the time I have been in the middle of an exchange of messages, only to have the other person simply stop responding without explanation.

This is understandable in cases where the ISP or the computer has crashed, but entirely too often my correspondent resumes the chat after 10 or 15 minutes (and sometimes longer) with, "Sorry, had to answer the phone" or just "Hi, I'm back!" It is my feeling that the departing party is obligated by courtesy to inform the other party of his/her imminent departure. I use the shorthand "brb" (be right back) if I have to answer the phone, the door or nature's call, and sign off instant message chats in much the way I end telephone conversations.

I have been told, however, that this medium is NOT the telephone, so the courtesies don't apply, and it is acceptable to simply stop responding and go do something else without warning to one's correspondent. What is your view of the subject?

GENTLE READER: That phrase, "the courtesies don't apply," chills Miss Manners' otherwise tender and glowing heart. It usually means that the anti-etiquette forces have a new toy and erroneously assume that it may be operated etiquette-free.

But if your informants only mean that the rules for telephone calls should not apply to instant messaging, Miss Manners is open to hearing their case.

Although instant messaging is reciprocal, as are telephone calls, it has this in common with other means of written correspondence (e-mail and letters, if anyone remembers what those are): there is some leeway in choosing when to write or read. In telephoning, we assume we have the other person's full attention, although goodness knows that this is now rarely the case. At the computer, you may be sure that there are other distractions.

So while Miss Manners admires your alerts when you momentarily leave, she is not ready to insist that others issue them when turning their attention to a boss or parent who assumes that they have been working.

: