DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend and I have been feuding over whether it is appropriate to smell food at the dinner table. I believe that it is rude and strange to act like a dog and smell one's own food at a nice restaurant. Please help me settle this.

GENTLE READER: Does he run around the table several times before settling down? Does he put his nose in his plate? This would suggest to Miss Manners that you might attend to his identity problems before his table manners. Or reconsider your own social life.

Actually, there is nothing wrong with human beings enjoying the smells of good food. There is just something very wrong with their being caught with their noses down or their mouths open. The correct posture is with the head thrown back to catch odors wafting in the air, murmuring a discreet "Mmmm" from behind closed lips.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one deal with presumptuousness?

I have an otherwise pleasant longtime friend who is straining our relationship with her sense of entitlement. She doesn't ask, she presumes. She doesn't invite you to attend a gathering, she expects you to attend. In fact, she often says, "I expect you to be there." Never, "If your schedule permits," or, "I hope you can come."

I was expected to attend a wedding shower she gave for her son and his fiancee -- a slap in the face of conventional behavior by itself. But she actually called to tell me to bring a place setting of their expensive silver pattern as my shower gift. I told her I would be spending $50. She then asked me to be a hostess for the bridesmaids' luncheon the day of the wedding. I said yes, not knowing exactly what being a hostess meant, even though I asked.

I got my answer when I received a bill for almost $200 as my share. More recently, she called to say her daughter was engaged and she was planning showers for her in three cities. When she got to my city, she paused. As the silence lengthened, I realized she was waiting for me to say that I would give a shower.

I was so annoyed by her presumptuousness that I said, very rudely, "Well, I'm not giving any showers." I am not alone. My friend's bossiness and sense of entitlement have cost her two husbands. Even a very patient gentleman I've introduced her to is tired of her behavior. I'm ready to walk, too. Any thoughts?

GENTLE READER: Walk. Especially if your friend has any more romantically inclined children.

Had you offered any evidence of this lady's being "otherwise pleasant," Miss Manners might have suggested a policy of politely declining each and every order until the futility of making demands acted as a deterrent. As it is, she cannot in good conscience assist in encouraging such a person to believe that anyone is willing to overlook her particularly rude combination of bossiness and greed.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper to tip owners and managers of restaurants that we frequent often? If so, what proportion would we give them on a $250 meal? If so, where does it stop? Do you start throwing money as you walk in the door?

My husband and I dine three times a month at an upscale restaurant. We always tip the valet, bartender, waiter and wine steward separately, and very generously. Through the years, we have gotten to know all the managers also.

During our last dining there, one of the managers shared that all the managers split all their tips between the managing staff, and at the last event they hosted, they raked in several thousand between them. Although I was complimented that he felt close enough to share this information, I felt it crass that a specific dollar amount was mentioned. After reflecting on this conversation, I couldn't help but think he was hinting that we never tipped the management staff.

I was brought up believing that you only tip the staff that actually does something for you, and the manager only if he does a special task for you. I'm quite embarrassed if I am wrong. I thought managers manage the restaurant and their employees.

GENTLE READER: The etiquette equivalent of asking the fox to mind the henhouse is taking advice on tipping from those on the receiving end.

Your previous knowledge was correct. As for the manager's feeling close enough to make such a pitch, Miss Manners advises you not to let him get any closer unless you have a firm grip on your purse.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: In this day of scrapbooking and preserving memories, I have been spending time preparing a scrapbook of photos and memorabilia for my son. I have my opening page with his birth announcement and hospital photo. All pages are embellished throughout. Photos will end with his marriage, four years ago, and current times.

There are photos including two particular ex-girlfriends who at that time were meaningful in his life. I adore my daughter-in-law, and would not in any way want to offend her.

GENTLE READER: Ah, you have come upon the major dilemma of amateur archivists and genealogists. Pleased as Miss Manners is to see the respect for the past behind this hobby, she worries when people get so carried away with enshrining the past that they cause havoc in the present.

Some ladies would be amused at seeing their husbands' old sweethearts, and some would be decidedly un-amused. The problem is that no one -- not their mothers-in-law, not even their husbands and certainly not Miss Manners -- knows which are which.

And there is no use asking. They'll all say it's fine, and then some of them will hold it against you forever.

Miss Manners' suggestion is that you leave the ex-girlfriends out of the album, but attach an envelope to the inside back cover marked "miscellaneous friends" including their pictures among others'.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is a gracious response when offered gifts or a greeting specific to a religion to which one does not profess? We're Jewish, but an acquaintance's "Merry Christmas" has always been cheerfully returned as a simple courtesy of the season, and we are always pleased to wish others well in their more solemn observances.

The question became a bit more problematic when we moved house, and several of our new neighbors arrived with wonderful home-baked goodies and plants with an Easter theme. I did not want to dilute their consideration by adding any qualifiers to our expressions of gratitude, nor did I refrain from accepting their Easter wishes and returning them in kind.

But I do wonder if I have bungled. Did this create a false impression? Would indicating in some way that we do not celebrate Easter as a religious holiday have been construed as a rejection of what was plainly offered with only the best of intentions?

I accept that the secularization of so many holidays plus varying levels of tolerance for displays of religion in public life is another issue entirely. I just want to know if there is a good way to acknowledge the spirit of the occasion on honest terms with our own beliefs.

GENTLE READER: We are talking bunnies and colored eggs here, along with the food and plants, Miss Manners trusts. Not crucifixes or other overt symbols of Christianity.

As you are able to accept the secular aspects of Christmas, you should be able to take this gesture in the same spirit. (If not, you could thank your new neighbors profusely, and say, simply, "You are so kind, but as Jews, we don't celebrate Easter.") And you might reciprocate by offering them Passover treats.

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