DEAR MISS MANNERS: By observing people eating, I was wondering, when you are using your fork to eat, do you close your mouth over the fork when you are eating, or do you eat like models do, so as not to mess their lipstick, by just using your teeth to take the food off the fork? This may seem like a silly question, but I've wondered what is the correct way to use your fork. I do not know where I would find an answer to these questions.

GENTLE READER: Right here, of course. Eeeeew!

That is your answer. Miss Manners is not in the habit of offering makeup tips to models, but surely they can use lip pencil, or find long-lasting lipstick, or cultivate the natural look that the cosmetic industry is so eager to sell us. There is little point in looking appetizing if the sound and sight of your dragging your teeth along your fork causes appetite loss in others.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Could you please define what "Ladies' Equivalent" means when men's dress is "Coat and Tie"? Also, please feel free to set out the basic rules on ladies' equivalent dress for other dress-code situations as well.

I have no idea what is expected of me, and judging from the attire of other women who attend similar functions, neither do they (styles range from very dressy to extremely casual). I would very much like to be appropriately attired in these situations.

GENTLE READER: It means that your hosts refuse to be caught arguing with the ladies about what is currently considered proper dress. What with rapidly changing fashions and easily aroused sensitivities, not to mention regional and social variations, you'd have to be a fool to issue a more precise dress code to ladies.

Fortunately, the gentlemen are more or less stable, so we used their clothes as a standard. (This is why Miss Manners shudders when she hears about gentlemen wanting "more creativity" in their wardrobes.)

"Coat and tie" is the basic level of formality for either day or evening, when neither sports clothes nor dinner jackets are worn. For ladies, the equivalent would be either a dress or a dressy suit, whether with skirt or trousers.

Uh-oh. Miss Manners has just done something very foolish.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After working at the same job for 32 years, I am retiring. My wife and I had our son and daughter-in-law over for dinner, and told them of the decision to retire and move to another state.

I expected some kind of cordial congratulations. They might have expressed some gratitude for my faithfulness to that job, the pay from which supported my son for two decades, educated him, enabled me to give them a monetary gift to start their married life, etc. They might have celebrated with me the fact that I won't have to work there anymore. They could have at least offered us good wishes on our move and on our new life afterward.

Instead, they listened in stony silence. Minutes later my daughter-in-law bestirred herself to say, "We're staying here" (no one expected otherwise) and "We're going have to find another baby-sitter." My son added, "We expected this" and (because he drops by uninvited for lunch most days), "Where am I going to eat lunch?" Their only reaction, when it finally came, was completely self-centered.

We thought we raised him right, and that we had a good relationship with them, but we are appalled by this. It strikes me as the rudest thing I have ever experienced. And it hurts. I have since told friends of this decision, and they reacted as I expected.

Are my expectations out of line? Should I say something to my son and daughter-in-law about their rudeness? Or should I simply conclude that they have somehow acquired the social graces of a gorilla, and get used to it?

GENTLE READER: Please don't go away mad. Yes, they were rude, and the possibility that their sullenness reflects how upset they are that you are moving is no excuse.

But you say you brought your son up right, and indeed, callous children don't spend their lunch hours visiting their parents. Miss Manners suggests one last etiquette lesson before you go.

But not from you. The technique of complaining about how one was treated is unsatisfactory even when successful, as the apologies and reforms have been pre-ordered. Fortunately, you have your wife to take them aside and confide that you were hurt by their reaction. This enables you to be pleasantly surprised when they make it up to you.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What should we "loving family members" do after our "beloved family member":

1) Marries, has three children, divorces a man;

2) Asks us, "Why didn't you tell me you thought he was a creep?"

3) Has a long-distance lover for four years (not during marriage) -- who we all really like -- but who never seems quite able to move to her city even after three job and city changes -- due to career opportunities -- and has canceled vacations with her (and us) at the last minute;

4) Flies to see her lover every other weekend because it's "easier" for her than for him;

5) Cries to family members about her finances, how hard it all is for her, and about her ex-husband not letting her move with the children to her lover's city;

6) Becomes very resentful when we family members finally tell her that maybe her lover isn't playing fair with her?

Were we wrong in addressing our fears to her? I now fear for our future relationship with HER.

GENTLE READER: You must realize that you were wrong to think it would help. Much as Miss Manners sympathizes with the desire to shout warnings when observing someone pursuing disaster, she recognizes that there is a time to give up.

The answer to your relative's accusation that you failed to warn her should be the formula you use when tempted to issue futile advice: "We were (or are) relying on your judgment."

The hope is that this will eventually make her realize that she doesn't have any, but Miss Manners is afraid that it might be a long wait.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Apparently, among my spouse's extended family, it is common to hold a "presentation shower" in which those invited to a bridal or baby shower are asked to contribute money for gifts which have already been selected and purchased by the guest of honor, be it the bride or mother-to-be. Invited guests may or may not know ahead of time what these gifts are.

Guests are then asked to bring a card with money in it to the shower and place the card in a box when they arrive. Is this an accepted practice for showers in some areas or cultures?

If one is invited to such a shower, must one give a gift of money toward the pre-purchased gifts rather than bringing a gift of his or her own choosing? I had never heard of a presentation shower before, and where I come from this would not be considered proper or polite, but perhaps I am out of the loop on this one. Please enlighten me.

GENTLE READER: The "presentation shower" is also new to Miss Manners, and she is sorry to be enlightened. While fervently hoping it is an aberration, she is aware that any device for eliminating thoughtfulness from acts of friendship in the hope of increasing the take is bound to spread.

If you agree to attend this appalling event, you are pretty much committed to going by its rules. You could try telling the hostess that, oops, you had already bought something and could give that instead, but Miss Manners warns you to be prepared for the argument that the personal touch is inconsiderate to the guest of honor.

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