DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have had a long-standing disagreement that we just can't get past. I'm willing to accept your answer, although my husband will probably only accept your answer if you agree with him.

He claims that pepper should go in the shaker with the most holes because it is coarser than salt (assume the holes are the same size on each shaker). The shakers that started this never-ending argument are shaped like Pilgrims. The male has three holes and the female has two. So, I believe that doubly proves it: salt should always be in the male shaker. I recently purchased a new set (aha!) that clearly have "Salt" and "Pepper" painted on each one -- the salt has five holes and the pepper has three. He says that the company that made them is wrong. To add to my woes, his side of the family agrees with him, and my side agrees with me. So, I don't get it, or do I?

GENTLE READER: You don't seem to get the fact that this argument is not about salt and pepper, but about taking sides, regardless of facts. But, then, Miss Manners doesn't get the part about salt's being obviously intended for the male shaker, and would prefer that you not explain it to her.

As people generally take more salt than pepper, shakers are designed to release more. Miss Manners hopes this will be of some comfort to you when your husband and his family refuses to believe it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have accepted to be a bridesmaid in a good friend's wedding. My date is my girlfriend of three years whom the bride, groom and mutual friends know well. I am proud of who I am, but know that there are others that believe very differently.

What I am hoping you could advise me on is how (and who) to ask whether the guests of the bride and groom may know that we are together. Though I will spend most of the night attending to the bride, I want to know ahead of time whether I will be able to share a dance or two with my girlfriend without offending relatives or taking attention off of the couple. I believe my friend would tell me to go ahead because she is very accepting. I am in contact with her mother and sister in the planning of the shower (though I don't know them well); would they be a better judge of the situation?

GENTLE READER: While appreciating your concern at not upsetting the wedding guests, Miss Manners would not advise your polling people about a mere dance or two. The family is bound to be able to think of someone who would not approve, thus worrying them about a scene that is unlikely to happen.

After you have done your bridesmaid duties, which may include dancing with an usher or two, you and your date should just join the general dancing. Had there been previous discussion, everyone, whether they can be classified as "accepting" or not, will be saying, "Look, there they are." Un-alerted, some of the very people who might have disapproved will say, "What a shame they didn't invite more young men; the young ladies have to dance with each other."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I learned recently that I have a very mild and entirely treatable form of cancer. This disease doesn't interfere with my everyday life, other than requiring a few hours out of the office to make a small number of trips to the doctor's office. My family and close friends have provided the kind of support that I find useful, which is to go about their normal lives.

A number of acquaintances, however, have taken this opportunity to project all of their cancer- and death-related fears onto me, and I have unexpectedly found myself in the position of having to console sobbing co-workers and hysterical neighbors. As my incredulous Italian mother-in-law put it, "You get sick, so THEY should cry?"

After the third or fourth such scene, I quit telling people anything beyond, "My doctor says it's really nothing important; she wants me to try some drug, and it should all be fine." The rude handful who have insisted upon more information have been told lies: I don't remember the name of the drug, and I can't pronounce the name of the condition.

I have also sworn several friends to secrecy after explaining my problem with this overwrought sort of sympathy (do you think it is really supposed to be sympathy)? I don't want to be surprised by any more of these scenes.

Even if there was some chance of my condition getting worse (and there isn't), could any person actually believe that making a scene could somehow console a sick or even dying person? Is it perhaps an attempt to get my mind off of a relatively minor medical problem by helping me fixate on uncharitable thoughts about the person making the scene?

GENTLE READER: Of course these people are trying to get your mind off yourself. They want the focus to be on themselves. Furthermore, they do not share your dignified aversion to collecting pity.

This makes the sympathy of those with no empathy a trial. Miss Manners advises your cutting this off at the first sign by saying, "Oh, please don't worry about me. You obviously have worse problems."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have conducted a survey of friends and co-workers about this question and received startlingly different answers. Can you give us the final rule on this question? Is it considered poor etiquette to order the same dish in a fine dining establishment as someone else in your party?

GENTLE READER: No, it's not poor etiquette, but watch out for the ones who voted that it was. Their forks are going to be in your plates.

There are occasions, when several people go out together -- to a Chinese restaurant, for example -- with the idea that they will order platters in which everyone shares. But there are also people who regard anyone's food as community property and those who, oddly enough, want to eat what they ordered because they ordered what they like.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to say to someone, "Did you intend to (name of the activity involved)?" For example, "Did you intend to step on my foot?" The word in question here is "intend."

I'd really appreciate your input. It will help us with our efforts to create a household of respect.

GENTLE READER: You are almost there. All Miss Manners asks is that you give one another the benefit of the doubt (while retaining the pressure to apologize) by phrasing it as, "I'm sure you did not intend to step on my foot," stressing "sure" as strongly as "intend."

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