DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received a really beautiful pocket watch as a Christmas gift, and I was wondering what the proper way to wear it would be. I would like to wear it to an upcoming event where I will be wearing a three-piece suit. On one end of the chain is the watch, and on the other is a small gold pocketknife. Do I put each of them in a different vest pocket, or hang the knife end from a button?

GENTLE READER: Congratulations -- you are going to make anyone who flashes the clunky, rich-guy wristwatch he got for Christmas look crude.

But not if you hang a knife out. In a style set by dear Prince Albert, the chain is drawn across a gentleman's waist from one vest pocket to the other. It is not a clothesline on which anything is hung and the buttons are uninvolved. The chain is anchored by the watch in one pocket and a trinket, in your case the knife, in the other.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 26-year-old daughter, who has lived in the same city as I since she graduated from college, started dating a state police officer about nine months ago. We socialized several times, although the busy schedules of my daughter and her boyfriend didn't allow us much time to be together.

When my daughter decided to move about 90 miles away to go to graduate school, her boyfriend went with her and they started to live together. He, however, still works in the city where I live, as his transfer has not yet come through.

I've been a bit surprised that I haven't heard from him as he's in the city every day. I've thought he might call and invite me out to lunch. After all, he is likely to be a part of my daughter's life for some time -- maybe permanently. They have spent holidays with his parents -- I think my daughter has seen them, who live far away, as often as I have seen her boyfriend.

Am I wrong to think that it would be courteous and appropriate of him to give me a call? Or should I be the one to make the first move? (I mentioned this dilemma to a friend and she thought I was totally crazy to think that he had any obligation to make contact with me.)

GENTLE READER: You have no idea how difficult it is for Miss Manners to say, "Why are you standing on ceremony; why can't you just be friendly?" That's what everyone says when about to take unwarranted liberties. In general, the world could use a lot more attention to ceremony, and a lot less clumsy improvising.

However, in this case she can't help herself. Doubtless the young couple visited his parents because they were graciously urged to do so. Besides, unless the young man is making a formal call to ask for your daughter's hand, ceremony requires the elder to do the inviting.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have just found out that a sister-in-law of mine has propositioned several of my male relatives, including my husband.

Now, she may think this is just harmless flirtation or, in one case, a misinterpretation of how she behaved when she sat on one man's lap. I have been on friendly terms with her up to now and she has not acted this way toward men in my presence.

I am rather angry about this situation, so I am at a loss about how to act toward her when I see her at future family gatherings.

Do I let her know that I know? Do I act as if I don't know? She and my brother have been married just a few years and I'm not sure he is aware of her behavior.

GENTLE READER: You are going to have to let Miss Manners know what you hope to achieve by letting your sister-in-law know that you know.

Would the idea be to punish her? Or just to try to make her stop? And what effect are you willing to produce on your brother?

If you sacrifice venting your anger -- and Miss Manners realizes that it is a sacrifice -- you may be able to put a damper on this activity without setting off scenarios that do not bear thinking about: counteraccusations that it was they who propositioned her, your brother's having to choose between thinking his wife or his sister is treacherous, and perhaps some of your informants' attempting to avoid unpleasantness by retreating and calling it harmless flirtation.

You can pre-empt all that by defending your sister-in-law. To do this, you must first supply the attack:

"I'm really upset at the cracks some of those awful men are making about you. How dare they say you're chasing them? They're so egotistical."

The response to this will be, "Who? Who? Who?" to which you must reply, "I wish I could tell you, but I'm sworn to secrecy. I'll keep an eye out, though, and see who is behaving disrespectfully to you."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Somewhere along the line I must have been ingrained with certain napkin prejudices, right or wrong: If there is a linen napkin it goes straight into my lap. Paper stays on the table.

After all, a good linen napkin actually has some chance of protecting one's lap from that unfortunate spill, while a paper napkin seems ineffectual and looks a bit silly perching on a lap. I never questioned this rule until now.

I was out at lunch at a very average restaurant with a friend from work. When my friend took the paper napkin from under the utensils, neatly unfolded it and put it into his lap, it took me by surprise. I did not follow suit, but instead pretended not to notice, although I think it may have been obvious that I had.

After the fact, I wonder if I was wrong altogether, and it is perfectly acceptable -- the standard even -- to put a paper napkin in one's lap? Even if it isn't, maybe I should have done it anyway, so as not to draw attention to the matter?

Yes, probably. I realize it is a silly, inane question (still, I'd be thrilled to get an authoritative answer).

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is impressed by the speed with which you went from calling your idiosyncratic notion a prejudice to calling it a rule.

It isn't. There are no special rules for paper napkins because polite people pretend they don't notice what awful substitutes they are for the real thing.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a proper condolence for a friend who is a criminal defense attorney who loses a case? Let's just say that his client is probably guilty and you would not otherwise doubt that justice was done.

GENTLE READER: "You gave him the best possible defense. I hope he appreciates that."

In turn, Miss Manners hopes that you appreciate this tactful solution, which your friend will find flattering, and that you will not be disappointed that it omits showing satisfaction at the conviction. You are not supposed to make lawyers feel guilty about defending the guilty.

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