DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have just found out that a sister-in-law of mine has propositioned several of my male relatives, including my husband.

Now, she may think this is just harmless flirtation or, in one case, a misinterpretation of how she behaved when she sat on one man's lap. I have been on friendly terms with her up to now and she has not acted this way toward men in my presence.

I am rather angry about this situation, so I am at a loss about how to act toward her when I see her at future family gatherings.

Do I let her know that I know? Do I act as if I don't know? She and my brother have been married just a few years and I'm not sure he is aware of her behavior.

GENTLE READER: You are going to have to let Miss Manners know what you hope to achieve by letting your sister-in-law know that you know.

Would the idea be to punish her? Or just to try to make her stop? And what effect are you willing to produce on your brother?

If you sacrifice venting your anger -- and Miss Manners realizes that it is a sacrifice -- you may be able to put a damper on this activity without setting off scenarios that do not bear thinking about: counteraccusations that it was they who propositioned her, your brother's having to choose between thinking his wife or his sister is treacherous, and perhaps some of your informants' attempting to avoid unpleasantness by retreating and calling it harmless flirtation.

You can pre-empt all that by defending your sister-in-law. To do this, you must first supply the attack:

"I'm really upset at the cracks some of those awful men are making about you. How dare they say you're chasing them? They're so egotistical."

The response to this will be, "Who? Who? Who?" to which you must reply, "I wish I could tell you, but I'm sworn to secrecy. I'll keep an eye out, though, and see who is behaving disrespectfully to you."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Somewhere along the line I must have been ingrained with certain napkin prejudices, right or wrong: If there is a linen napkin it goes straight into my lap. Paper stays on the table.

After all, a good linen napkin actually has some chance of protecting one's lap from that unfortunate spill, while a paper napkin seems ineffectual and looks a bit silly perching on a lap. I never questioned this rule until now.

I was out at lunch at a very average restaurant with a friend from work. When my friend took the paper napkin from under the utensils, neatly unfolded it and put it into his lap, it took me by surprise. I did not follow suit, but instead pretended not to notice, although I think it may have been obvious that I had.

After the fact, I wonder if I was wrong altogether, and it is perfectly acceptable -- the standard even -- to put a paper napkin in one's lap? Even if it isn't, maybe I should have done it anyway, so as not to draw attention to the matter?

Yes, probably. I realize it is a silly, inane question (still, I'd be thrilled to get an authoritative answer).

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is impressed by the speed with which you went from calling your idiosyncratic notion a prejudice to calling it a rule.

It isn't. There are no special rules for paper napkins because polite people pretend they don't notice what awful substitutes they are for the real thing.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a proper condolence for a friend who is a criminal defense attorney who loses a case? Let's just say that his client is probably guilty and you would not otherwise doubt that justice was done.

GENTLE READER: "You gave him the best possible defense. I hope he appreciates that."

In turn, Miss Manners hopes that you appreciate this tactful solution, which your friend will find flattering, and that you will not be disappointed that it omits showing satisfaction at the conviction. You are not supposed to make lawyers feel guilty about defending the guilty.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Late last week, a former graduate school colleague (whom I really don't know that well) called and asked if I would like a pair of tickets for a major concert scheduled for this weekend. She had a death in the family and had to fly across country at the last minute to be with her mother.

All she asked in return was that I get a CD of the musical group. I enthusiastically accepted the generous gift, but when the two tickets arrived the next day I was astonished by the price: almost $500 for the pair! These were top-flight seats.

I went to the concert -- it was fabulous -- and got her a CD, but I really feel the need to give something more. Unfortunately, $500 was a lot more expensive than I was expecting, and much more than I can afford. I was thinking of giving her a $200 gift certificate to a nice hotel and restaurant in town so she and her husband could get away sometime. Obviously, a $200 gift certificate is much less than the $500 concert tickets. Is this inappropriate? Am I being cheap?

GENTLE READER: What you have there is not a $500 debt, but a friendship debt. You can't pay it in gift certificates, even if you put down the full amount of the tickets.

Miss Manners understands that you were not particularly close with your benefactor before, but you were nevertheless made privy to a sad occasion in her life. A condolence letter and an effort to see her -- perhaps inviting her and her husband out to dinner -- would be a personal, rather than a financial, response to her generosity.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What to do about a new trend: the "almost RSVP," as in almost did not bother, but did RSVP at the last possible hour?

The practitioners of the "almost RSVP" adhere to the letter of the etiquette law -- that you must RSVP to a dinner invitation -- but not the spirit of the law, which says that you should reply in time to allow the hosts to plan on entertaining you.

After a recent spate of guests calling the night before the party after 8 p.m. to RSVP, I am considering putting a deadline on my invitations. I don't consider a phone call after 8 p.m. the night before adequate notice that they will be joining us for dinner (plus needing directions, further instructions and a complete guest list and guest history). Can I just tell them that I did not plan on them because I did not hear from them? Or start including an RSVP deadline on future invitations?

GENTLE READER: These people did not adhere to the letter of the etiquette law, Miss Manners assures you. That requires an answer immediately upon receiving an invitation -- with, at most, half a day to consult a spouse.

Unfortunately, there is also a law -- almost as often disobeyed -- against assuming that guests are so rude as to have to be given deadlines. What you can do is to say sadly, "Oh, I'm so sorry. I assumed you were away, since I hadn't heard from you, and made other plans. I'll try you another time."

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