DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a proper condolence for a friend who is a criminal defense attorney who loses a case? Let's just say that his client is probably guilty and you would not otherwise doubt that justice was done.

GENTLE READER: "You gave him the best possible defense. I hope he appreciates that."

In turn, Miss Manners hopes that you appreciate this tactful solution, which your friend will find flattering, and that you will not be disappointed that it omits showing satisfaction at the conviction. You are not supposed to make lawyers feel guilty about defending the guilty.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Late last week, a former graduate school colleague (whom I really don't know that well) called and asked if I would like a pair of tickets for a major concert scheduled for this weekend. She had a death in the family and had to fly across country at the last minute to be with her mother.

All she asked in return was that I get a CD of the musical group. I enthusiastically accepted the generous gift, but when the two tickets arrived the next day I was astonished by the price: almost $500 for the pair! These were top-flight seats.

I went to the concert -- it was fabulous -- and got her a CD, but I really feel the need to give something more. Unfortunately, $500 was a lot more expensive than I was expecting, and much more than I can afford. I was thinking of giving her a $200 gift certificate to a nice hotel and restaurant in town so she and her husband could get away sometime. Obviously, a $200 gift certificate is much less than the $500 concert tickets. Is this inappropriate? Am I being cheap?

GENTLE READER: What you have there is not a $500 debt, but a friendship debt. You can't pay it in gift certificates, even if you put down the full amount of the tickets.

Miss Manners understands that you were not particularly close with your benefactor before, but you were nevertheless made privy to a sad occasion in her life. A condolence letter and an effort to see her -- perhaps inviting her and her husband out to dinner -- would be a personal, rather than a financial, response to her generosity.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What to do about a new trend: the "almost RSVP," as in almost did not bother, but did RSVP at the last possible hour?

The practitioners of the "almost RSVP" adhere to the letter of the etiquette law -- that you must RSVP to a dinner invitation -- but not the spirit of the law, which says that you should reply in time to allow the hosts to plan on entertaining you.

After a recent spate of guests calling the night before the party after 8 p.m. to RSVP, I am considering putting a deadline on my invitations. I don't consider a phone call after 8 p.m. the night before adequate notice that they will be joining us for dinner (plus needing directions, further instructions and a complete guest list and guest history). Can I just tell them that I did not plan on them because I did not hear from them? Or start including an RSVP deadline on future invitations?

GENTLE READER: These people did not adhere to the letter of the etiquette law, Miss Manners assures you. That requires an answer immediately upon receiving an invitation -- with, at most, half a day to consult a spouse.

Unfortunately, there is also a law -- almost as often disobeyed -- against assuming that guests are so rude as to have to be given deadlines. What you can do is to say sadly, "Oh, I'm so sorry. I assumed you were away, since I hadn't heard from you, and made other plans. I'll try you another time."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Could you please suggest an appropriate response to the (unrequested) viewing of sonogram photographs? I am a teacher and have noticed female students passing these photographs amongst themselves. Then, a few days ago, one thrust her photographs into my hands.

I would shrug this off as teenagers who perhaps have yet to learn all their etiquette. However, I have also had my adult, professionally trained relatives put their photographs into my hands. These photographs cause me to feel a little queasy. I feel they should be viewed by the expectant couple only, unless others request a viewing.

I feel like a relic from another century. Could Miss Manners suggest an appropriate response, should this situation occur again? I honestly do not know what to say that would be appropriate. I can think of several inappropriate responses. However, I have noticed Miss Manners does not allow boorish behavior even on the heels of other, at least perceived, boorish behavior.

GENTLE READER: Indeed, Miss Manners does insist on polite responses, even to people who force you to look at unfinished works. The proper response to all baby pictures is, "Looks just like you!"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it incorrect, inappropriate, rude or wrong to carry on a conversation in a room where someone is using a telephone?

Several times now I have seen this occur, and the phone user has lashed out irrationally at the people conversing. This seems harsh and rude seeing as the people speaking are talking in hushed voices and are cognizant of the telephone conversation.

What I am saying is that they realize someone is on the phone and they are making every effort so as not to disturb this person. This sounds acceptable, but maybe you could tell me, should they just not talk at all if someone is on the phone?

GENTLE READER: Would someone who ignores everyone around him except to lash out at them win this etiquette contest?

Miss Manners supposes it is possible. If several of you crowded into his office and started chattering away while he was on the telephone with his elderly mother's cardiologist, you would be rude. Under other circumstances, people who are in company with others are expected to stay off the telephone unless they can move discreetly away for a short time and not bother others.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Could you please inform us what the proper etiquette is for making one's way around graves? Whenever I've gone to visit a loved one, I haven't known whether it's all right to walk across the grass (of course not the headstone) or in strict right angles so as to try to avoid walking across people's graves. The bottom ends of the graves, of course, aren't marked, so I don't know whether I'm treading softly or not.

GENTLE READER: No, but you know approximately how long caskets are, and that there is often little space between plots. Miss Manners realizes that the ancient habit of burying distinguished people under cathedral floors, as well as the park-like appearance of modern graveyards, makes treading on graves difficult to avoid, but she would hope that the effort would be made. You wouldn't care to see someone strolling across the grave you are there to visit.

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