DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one deal with a "hot flash" in public? I have an attractive fan that I carry, preferring it to whatever piece of paper lies closest at hand, but is a fan obvious in an inappropriate way? Sometimes, dabbing my face discreetly with a pretty little linen handkerchief just isn't enough!

GENTLE READER: Then Miss Manners suggests confessing that you have the vapors, and holding the back of your hand to your forehead while saying, "Oh, dear, I feel one of my spells coming on."

This will give you a reputation for having a delicate sensibility, not a bad reputation to have in these vulgar times. It will also enable you to fall back on a sofa, steady yourself on the arm of the nearest gentleman or otherwise make yourself more comfortable.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one respond when a gentleman whom one has been dating for seven months says "I love you," and one does not feel ready to respond in kind? He is smart, funny, kind and handsome and I greatly enjoy his company, but saying "I love you" feels too soon at this stage. I really like him, but I'm not sure that I "love" him. I usually respond "Thank you," "I like you" or with a big hug, but I wonder if there is a better way to respond.

GENTLE READER: Usually? How many of these paragons do you have?

There is no better way to divest yourself of a suitor than to respond perfectly politely to his declaration of passion. The days when a lady could get away with protesting, "This is so sudden -- I had no idea you felt that way -- you've thrown me into such a state of confusion that I don't know how I feel" are past.

But as Miss Manners comes to think of it, why should they be over? This statement is charming, contains no promises and allows the gentleman the satisfaction of seeing that his declaration has stirred the lady's emotions. This is an excellent way to buy time with a gentleman who is smart, funny, kind, handsome and good company and may also turn out to be loveable.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a new position with a very small company, four employees including myself, and am learning the office procedures along with the likes and dislikes of the female franchise owner. I sit at the front desk and visitors who come into the office are not able to see me unless I stand up or they walk up to the very high podium that I unintentionally hide behind.

When a male client came into the office to speak to the owner, they were both standing in front of me at the podium talking. The owner introduced me to the client and I offered a handshake as friendly response. When the male client left the office, my female boss told me that I should have also stood up to shake his hand so that he wouldn't have to reach over the high podium.

I responded that a lady never stands up when introduced to a gentleman, and also it is the lady who decides whether or not she is going to offer her hand.

Is this a right assumption about office etiquette on my part? I added the hand offering to let her know I wasn't being rude by not standing up. If so, how do I respond to her statement, "That's right, but while in my office I want you stand up when I introduce you to someone."

What is the proper office etiquette when meeting someone new? What is your opinion of a boss who makes this request to an employee?

GENTLE READER: That she understands business better than her employee. And that she is the boss. Miss Manners counts two reasons that you should not attempt to lower the standard of courtesy your boss requires.

A third is that you are mistaken. The manners you cite are traditional social manners, unrelated to business, where your status is defined by your job, not your gender. Rising to greet visitors is a proper show of deference, especially when you are the person up front and they would otherwise be confronted with a massive piece of furniture and a mysterious presence lurking behind it.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Over the past few years I've made a concerted effort to improve myself in many ways. One goal has been to examine my life up to this point, recognize mistakes and affronts I've made, and set them right.

In some cases, I'm not sure how to go about the last step. Let's say, hypothetically of course, that in high school I was jealous of a particular friend of mine and from time to time I was rude to her in a non-obvious way, in order to feel better about myself. Say, for instance, that one night I arranged for her to be uninvited to a party. Then let's say that over the past 20 years or so I've grown up and don't do that type of thing anymore, but I still feel bad about mistreating this friend.

Imagine that I don't know how much this friend realized that I was being rude to her, and how much of my rudeness went unnoticed. Imagine also that she and I have kept in touch over the years through Christmas cards and have warm conversations every five to 10 years at reunions, etc.

So, in this purely hypothetical situation, should I make a formal apology for my behavior or not? I fear that if she never realized the mean things I did to her in the first place, then it might be best to not tell her now and make her feel bad. However, if she knows darn well that I was the culprit in some painful experiences for her, she might be expecting an apology, which I am willing to give.

I have considered a generic spoken or written apology such as: "I have realized over the years that I was sometimes very immature in high school. I remember feeling jealous of you at times because you were a poised person who was fun to be around. I'm sorry for the times that I may have acted rudely or hurt your feelings. By the way ... how is your darling baby daughter?" What do you think would be the best route?

GENTLE READER: That is, and Miss Manners is enormously relieved that you thought of it. Would-be confessors have a tendency to enjoy repeating their sins, slapping on an apology to deflect the consequences, and she was afraid of something like this:

"Remember when you got dis-invited to Gwendolyn's party? Well, I was the one who pointed out to her that you wouldn't fit in because you didn't have good clothes like the rest of us and your mother drove an old car -- and now I'm really sorry. I hope I didn't cause you too much pain."

In contrast, your version compliments the target, refrains from painting her as a victim by presuming she may not have noticed the slight and excuses her from having to protest by changing the subject. Miss Manners commends you. Hypothetically, of course.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I entertain, most often I serve dinner family-style. What is the proper way to ask your guests if they would like additional helpings, whether it be main course or dessert?

I feel awkward asking if they "would like more." That sounds as though I have watched what they have already eaten. My friends and I have discussed this many times and have yet to come up with an acceptable answer.

GENTLE READER: The word "more" has no place at the dinner table. Miss Manners assures you that omitting it from both offers and requests ("May I please have some creamed potatoes?" or "Would you like some creamed potatoes?" rather than "some more creamed potatoes" or, for that matter, "even more creamed potatoes") improves the atmosphere without affecting the food delivery system.

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