DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have received an e-mail recently that had the following statement at the bottom, which I will copy verbatim:

"This e-mail may display a telegraphic style that gives the false impression of curtness or insensitivity. Also, it may contain confidential or privileged information. If it is received in error, kindly delete it and notify sender. Thank you."

It appears that the sender's company requires this statement to be attached to the end of every e-mail.

I have several questions about the first sentence. Should I take it as a pre-emptive apology? Or an instruction not to be offended about what would otherwise be offensive? Do you believe it is appropriate to include such a sentence in e-mails? Do you recommend that other companies adopt this approach?

And what is "a telegraphic style," anyway? I'm only 34, so I've never sent or received a telegram.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners commiserates with you for having missed the excitement of receiving a telegram (although under some circumstances, they also brought tragedy). As telegrams were expensive and each word added to the charge, they were written and sent sparingly, investing them with momentous importance.

For example:

"ELOPED PLEASE FORGIVE STOP MADLY HAPPY."

"RETURN IMMEDIATELY STOP MOTHER HYSTERICAL STOP FINANCIAL CONSEQUENCES STOP LOVE FATHER"

Some translation may be in order here. Telegrams lacked punctuation and lowercase letters, so "stop" indicated the end of a sentence fragment, and the messages, however animated, should not be interpreted as shouts.

But is e-mail generally any clearer, for all its unlimited wordage and symbols?

Terseness doesn't look so bad, now that we are sinking under the frequency and verbosity of e-mail. Miss Manners favors recycling that aspect of telegraphic style, although not the stops and caps. Prophylactic apologies do seem superfluous, but should be interpreted as lack of practice at getting to the point, rather than as a prelude to insult.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We had a small dinner party planned (just another couple and their children), and the food was cooking and hors d'oeuvres out when they called to say they couldn't make it.

The food was not going to keep well as leftovers. We contemplated (but didn't) calling nearby friends and asking them over at the last minute. Obviously, we would have had to say that they were pinch-hitting for another couple.

Would this have been a thrifty means of saving the evening and sharing our repast, or a rude attempt to swap guests?

GENTLE READER: It depends on whom you invite.

Dear friends whom you often entertain would be charmed if you confessed your plight and begged them to help you eat your way out of it. Social life being as unreliable as it is, they should be grateful not only for an unexpected evening out, but for having friends whom they can call upon in an emergency.

People whom you owe would not be grateful. To them it becomes obvious that you only reach for them in an emergency.

But shouldn't you be bringing this food to the hospital, where your guests are recovering from their last-minute accident, or to their funerals?

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boss' son is having a baby -- well, not him, but his girlfriend. And he would like to know, what is the "norm" when a baby is born out of wedlock and the parents want to hyphenate the baby's last name? Does the mother's name go first standard? Alphabetical? Any input you could provide would be greatly appreciated.

GENTLE READER: Norm? There is no normal standard about names in this society. It's total chaos, and it's driving Miss Manners crazy. Nobody knows what to call anybody else.

But much as she would like a standardized system, she would hardly countenance one that had a specific way of identifying those born out of wedlock. Just tell your boss to be grateful that society no longer decrees what such children should be called.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently attended a debate at a university over a very hot political issue. As I'm sure is usually the case with audience members at this type of event, I was very much opposed to one of the debaters and very much in agreement with the other and so was struck with an etiquette question.

Is it considered rude to refuse to applaud one speaker at a debate while applauding the other?

I always applaud at concerts, plays, etc. -- even if the performance is bad -- if only to acknowledge their efforts, but I was so opposed to this person's views and disappointed in the weakness of his arguments that I could not bring myself to clap. Was I just being rude and immature?

GENTLE READER: What school was this? Miss Manners would be delighted, not to mention flabbergasted, to hear of a campus where withholding applause as a form of protest would be as rude as it gets.

Applause is not owed in a public forum or performance the way it is at your friends' poetry readings or their children's violin recitals. To oppose a speaker by shouting him down or pushing a pie in his face is rude. To sit on your hands, rather than applaud sentiments you do not endorse, is not only perfectly polite but positively restrained.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My girlfriends and I were comparing blind-date horror stories one night over dinner and we noticed a common theme. No matter how rude or inconsiderate our date was, none of us left during the date.

Case in point: I met a blind date at a local restaurant. I was pretty sure there was not going to be a future with this gentleman, but was determined to have a pleasant evening anyway. The waiter came to our table to hand us our menus and my date not only took both of the menus, but put them as far away from me as possible.

I was stunned and a little annoyed, but instead of getting up and leaving, I sat and sipped my water while he ate an appetizer. Miss Manners, do you have any advice for us single girls having to put up with this type of behavior that won't cause us to stoop to the level of our boorish dates?

GENTLE READER: Going to the restroom and never reappearing is rude. Telling someone who has insulted you in the way you describe, "Well, I'll leave you to enjoy your food" would strike Miss Manners as warranted.

She strongly suggests that in the future you tell whoever or whatever is fixing you up with boors that you only care to meet gentlemen. Miss Manners is amazed that people seem to think enjoying old movies and walks on the beach are more important qualities to specify than manners.

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