DEAR MISS MANNERS: It is time to put a long-standing battle to rest. Very often, however incorrect it may be, when attending a potluck or an informal dinner with friends, the situation arises where one cuts and serves themselves a piece of cake or brownie. My wife and friends say that when doing this, particularly if the first row of cake is gone, you take from the edge and go toward the middle.

I prefer to take a middle piece.

For that matter, what is wrong with cutting a piece of brownie out of the middle of the pan instead of starting at the edge? As is usually the case, I expect to be wrong, but would like to know the reasoning why middle-piece-loving individuals must continue to be oppressed, while edge and corner lovers get all the etiquette.

GENTLE READER: Much as she hates to contribute to war in the middle-piece, Miss Manners cannot hope to relieve all of those who are oppressed. She got into enough trouble when she uncharacteristically appeased a snacker who wanted only the inside of the cheese and failed to observe the courtesy of cutting it so as to maintain its wedge shape.

What you suggest is wrong because it looks piggy and makes a mess. However, if you restrain yourself, you might be rewarded. Let two people get to the brownie pan ahead of you, and there will be a middle piece available for the taking. As for cake, most piggy people go for the icing and leave hunks of unadorned insides, which you can appropriate without penalty.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Why do people insist on knowing the sexual orientation of friends, co-workers and acquaintances? I have always thought it rude in the extreme to ask someone "Are you gay?" or "Are they gay?"

To me, that is just like saying "Do you have sex?" This is no one's business but the parties involved, and possibly immediate family. It does not concern friends, co-workers and acquaintances.

For the record, I'm a happily married woman with a great husband and two kids. But for some reason, people seem to think that I spend my time peeking in bedroom windows, because I am asked this question constantly about people I know. When I am asked "Are they gay?" I reply with a snappy, and somewhat rude, "I wouldn't know. I'm not sleeping with him/her, so I didn't think it was any of my business." Miss Manners, is there a kinder way to convey that message? Or should I just ignore the question completely?

GENTLE READER: You have two distinct questions here: Why people want to know about other people's sex lives, and whether it is any of their business.

The first is a psychological question, to which Miss Manners can only reply that everyone does, probably because it is juicier than listening to people complain about their jobs. The second is an etiquette question, to which the answer is that it is not their business.

The fact that people are naturally curious is unrelated to whether that curiosity can be legitimately satisfied. Nor should it inhibit you from insinuating that such curiosity is unseemly. (Notice that Miss Manners has no qualms about condemning a perfectly natural feeling as unseemly. Etiquette thoughtfully provides veils to throw over that which should not be seen.)

The gist of your reply is fine. Only the part about not sleeping with them is a little snippy. An airy, "I have no idea" would do.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I enjoy entertaining. During the year, we host several large gatherings at our home. As we have two small children, we have tailored many of our parties -- including our Super Bowl party -- to families.

For the past couple of years, we have noticed that, in response to our invitations, we sometimes get the response, "We'll try to make it" or "Maybe."

Our Super Bowl party is certainly not elaborate, but we do offer food for the adults and the children. When several entire families give a "maybe" response, I have no way of knowing how much food to prepare.

For this year's Super Bowl party, three families responded with "We'll try to make it" (each a family of four). None of them came. And now we have mountains of leftovers. What is the best way of handling such a situation?

GENTLE READER: First, eat the leftovers. Then chop up your guest list. Miss Manners does not advise having anything spoiled at a party.

People who say "I'll try to make it" should be told, "Oh, don't worry about it, we'll try you again next year." Those who simply don't show have been tried and found wanting.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please inform me of the appropriate manner of wearing rings and evening gloves.

GENTLE READER: One on top of the other, and Miss Manners assures you that it does matter which. If you wear rings on top of your gloves, you will look vulgar, whereas if you wear them under your gloves, you will merely look lumpy.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In the far dim recesses of my closet has lurked, for many years, an extremely elegant dinner jacket. Following some period of dieting and exercise, I find that I can again fit into it. Alas, it is a true child of the early '70s and remarkably out of fashion: highly peaked lapels, somewhat flared slacks, very tight waist.

Yes, I know it serves me right, which is why my current jacket has a shawl collar, but it truly is a lovely piece of designer apparel in its own way and I would love to take it out on the town again. I seem to recall a general rule that no dinner jacket, like no piece of couturier clothing, is ever out of fashion. Is this so? Or am I just fooling myself?

GENTLE READER: Not exactly, but the assumption that has been lurking in the back of your mind did get a bit out of shape.

The twist Miss Manners must iron out is your notion that the rule applies to couturier clothing. Evidently you have not been following the news from Milan and Paris.

Rather, it concerns the formal clothing of fastidious gentlemen, a demographic that fashion leaders would be loathe to attract for a good reason: These gentlemen pride themselves on being out of fashion as much as other people pride themselves on being in it.

They especially like their evening clothes to be ever so slightly dated, lest they be mistaken for something new and rented. So the reason that these clothes cannot go out of fashion is that they were never in it.

Of course this boast, like many another fashion claims, is exaggerated. Once the dinner jacket became standardized early in the 20th century, it merely varied between peaked lapels and the shawl collar, and gentlemen seemed to prefer whichever one was not being touted as fashionable.

Any additional attempts to fool with it -- odd colors and odd tailoring as well as such fads as turtleneck shirts and string ties -- can be counted as passing fads that are forever dead. If your '70s suit is tight enough and flared enough to qualify, Miss Manners suggests learning to love your newer one.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a stay-at-home mother of two and have noticed that people don't seem to wrap gifts anymore. The "gift bag" with the present ensconced in tissue paper seems to be the decorative vehicle of choice.

I always thought that the time spent wrapping a present was a nice part of the gift giving process. Are these gift bags, which I might add are frequently re-used, now an appropriate option for the gift giver?

GENTLE READER: As long as some festive wrapping is attempted, etiquette cannot demand that everyone wrestle with papers and ribbons to produce something lovely. But it reserves the right to be more charmed when that is done.

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