DEAR MISS MANNERS: I appear to have committed some type of etiquette error at my 30th high school reunion.

No dress was advised, but when I called about this I was told "elegant but not black tie" -- not a lot of help. My husband wore a navy blue suit and I decided on a satin tea-length dress. As I have near-waist-length hair, I opted for an up-do, done at a salon. It was a simple French twist, the way I always have my hair done for more formal events.

No sooner than we went to the event than people started talking about my hair. Specifically, they couldn't believe I'd had it "done." While my dress was OK with the "group opinion," the fact that I'd had my hair done was clearly outside the norm. While all of the women wore dresses, none had up-dos.

Is there an etiquette rule for a more formal hairstyle? I thought an up-do (simple, not prom hair) was appropriate for a 48-year-old woman, but I seemed to have missed something along the way.

GENTLE READER: Are you quite certain that the event you attended was your 30th high school reunion? Is it possible that you wandered into the sophomore prom by mistake?

Groups of people who hone in on one person to deliver an on-the-spot criticism -- always with an air of belief that their catty opinions are indisputable and helpful -- have provided generations of citizens with a lifetime feeling of relief that they are no longer in high school.

Even the most callous bullies are supposed to have learned something in the subsequent 30 years, if only that bullying is dangerous. The technique only worked in high school because it preys on victims during a stage of life where many are uncertain enough about themselves to worry that it is they who are wrong, and not their tormentors.

What alarms Miss Manners more is that you do not seem to have used those 30 years to learn that you can wear your hair as you please, and that etiquette does not side with bullies.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have known that our son is gay for three years, since he was 15 years old. We told a few close relatives and left it at that until he was old enough to address issues himself.

Lately, however, he has run into a problem concerning well-meaning acquaintances and friends inquiring about his sexual preference, since he is presently 18 and doesn't date.

"Don't you like girls?" is the favorite. He replies that he does like girls, knowing that this reply is honest in a way, but not in the way they mean. He wants to be honest and true to himself without revealing information he doesn't feel is any of their business.

GENTLE READER: It seems to Miss Manners that your son already has the answer he wants. His choice is whether to reply to the text of the question or to the subtext. He chose to respond to the surface text.

The subtext is a demand to know about his sex life. This is never anyone's business to ask, as it is up to individuals to decide with whom they wish to discuss that subject.

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Etiquette went to a lot of trouble to invent short code-words and expressions to indicate goodwill in the daily give-and-take of life. The prime examples are "please" and "thank you," which your mother annoyingly called The Magic Words.

Miss Manners will thank you to remember that these are merely grace notes intended to soothe and excuse the jostling of one person's needs against another's. To subject them to psychological and sociological analysis is not just silly but tedious.

Nor should they be put to a truth test. It is their job to create the fiction that people who use them do not wish to disturb others and are grateful for even the smallest favors.

So naturally, during the Age of Querulousness, people started objecting to them as not just unnecessary but degrading. Even now, when society has become as graceless as those people might have wished, some still grumble.

Because the expressions ceased to be universally taught, generations grew up without learning how to use them. As the need to get along with others remains, people of goodwill are stumbling along as best they can, often with awkward or easily misunderstood substitutes.

Here, then, is a glossary of, ah, magic words. Just learn them. Please.

-- Please: Precedes any request, however trivial or perfunctory. Unauthorized replacements: "Here's what I need" or "I need you to..."

-- Thank you: Follows any granted request, however trivial or perfunctory.

(Note to Gentle Reader who argues that he is "not obliged to be profusely grateful for a person's actions or requests in the normal course of their work": No, but you are obliged to say "please" and "thank you" to them.)

-- You're welcome: Response to "thank you." Unauthorized replacements: "No problem" and "Thank YOU."

(Note to Gentle Reader who argues that "we need to assure customers that there is not anything that cannot be done to assist them": Yes, there probably is, but you can create that impression by saying "Certainly, I'd be happy to..." when the request is made, and then by cheerfully fulfilling it.)

-- No, thank you: Negative response to offers, typically of refreshments. Unauthorized replacement: "I'm fine."

-- Yes, please: Positive response to offers. Unauthorized replacement: "OK."

-- Excuse me: Preface to interrupting or otherwise inconveniencing someone. Unauthorized replacements: "Hey," "I'm just going to sneak by you here," "Coming through!" "Let me just steal that" and "Well, excuse YOU."

(Note to numerous Gentle Readers who point out that "Excuse me" is often the immediate prelude to grabbing and shoving: Deplorably true, but would you really be happier with the unannounced rude action?)

-- I'm sorry: Response to complaints about mistakes made by oneself or one's place of employment. Unauthorized replacements: "I'm sorry you feel that way," "I can see you're upset," "I wasn't here that day" and "OK, here's what you have to do..."

-- That's quite all right: Response to an apology. Can be said graciously if the apology is satisfactory or coldly if it is not. Unauthorized replacement: "Well, you ought to be."

-- Sir, Madam, Ma'am, Miss: Courtesy titles to people whose names are not known to the speaker. Unauthorized replacement: "You guys." Response to the argument that such titles makes one "feel old": Perhaps you are, but whatever your age, you can't alter it by being rude to people who treat you with dignity.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Does etiquette or tradition dictate a time when women are supposed to stop wearing engagement rings and opt for the wedding band alone?

GENTLE READER: If etiquette considered itself authorized to go around confiscating married ladies' diamond rings, Miss Manners would have long since retired in luxury on the proceeds. That is, presuming that she hadn't been shot first by the indignant victims or the gentlemen who gave them these very solid symbols of sentiment.

The only case in which etiquette insists that a lady has to surrender her engagement ring is when she breaks her engagement. After marriage, or whatever else follows, she is presumed to have fulfilled the engagement.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm a 30-year-old female, and normally only date one person at a time. However, since I want to get married and have children before I'm too old, I felt that I should.

I've been seeing Steve for the past year, but I keep breaking up with him because, although he is a wonderful guy, I'm not falling in love and he is. Still, Steve manages to talk me back into spending time with him, which leads back to dating.

I also have recently been on a few dates with another gentleman I will call Ray. I told Steve about this, but I haven't told Ray about the situation with Steve.

When is the appropriate time to tell Ray he's not the only person I'm dating? I'm under the impression that he thinks I'm only seeing him. Also, he seems to really like me, and I'm feeling a little pressure because he wants to spend more time with me than I'm ready for, since I don't want to jump into another exclusive relationship.

GENTLE READER: As you are not eager to spend more time with either of these gentlemen, Miss Manners assumes you are not involving them in any activity likely to lead immediately to your stated goal.

Was that a "No, of course not"? (Or did Miss Manners state this too euphemistically for you to see what on Earth she means?) In that case, no gentleman should assume that he has an exclusive arrangement with you unless you have explicitly agreed to one.

Kindness is another matter. As a hedge against dashing his ill-founded hopes, you should let drop that you have many friends, of whom he is one of the most valued.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is a polite yet honest way to decline an invitation disguised as a party?

Generally, this party is held by a hostess who is displaying and selling products such as plastic-ware, kitchen gadgets, home decorating supplies or similar items. Not only do I find these parties boring, but equate them to a live "infomercial" that I can't turn off. I have many other ways I would prefer to spend my free time than to waste an evening away listening to a sales pitch.

I also consider it rude for a friend or acquaintance to entertain in exchange for the purchase of something, which I feel obligated to buy. It's difficult to continually make excuses for not attending and I am often invited again at a later date from the same person or an acquaintance of theirs. Although it is rude on my part to not respond to the hostess's R.S.V.P., I have resorted to that method.

GENTLE READER: Fortunately, you can be polite in this situation without being honest. Or -- before Miss Manners is accused of missing all her morals -- dishonest.

An invitation to purchase does not require an answer, or we would all be spending our lives responding to advertisements. However, the people you know may believe that they have fooled you into thinking they want your company rather than your money, and so it is politer to respond, anyway.

Nevertheless, no excuse is needed in declining an invitation, even a well-meant one. All politeness requires is responding that you cannot attend and -- admittedly stretching the truth -- to express regret.

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