DEAR MISS MANNERS: My girlfriend is having her second child, and her family decided not to have a baby shower for her since she "just had one" (two and a half years ago) and they didn't think it was appropriate to ask people to give again. I could tell she felt bad about this, and since she is having a girl this time, I willingly offered to hold "something small" for her.
Well, we are now planning this thing and it's gotten out of hand. She registered at baby stores yesterday, and the guest list is up to 18! She made several menu suggestions and told me what flavor cake she wants and where to buy it! I told her that I had planned on baking the cake myself. (I've been asked to do birthday cakes for several of my friend's children's birthdays, so I'm kind of getting into it.)
I told her privately that my initial intention was to do something small and intimate, maybe a private luncheon at a quaint local spot. She suggested that everyone pay for their own meal at a restaurant. I explained to her that this was my gift to her, I wanted to do it and that I would be paying for it.
The next day, she added three people to the list. Furthermore, her mother, who didn't want to give the shower in the first place, has invited four people and had to be consulted on the date and time!
My family and I just moved into a larger house and we tend to be generous with our friends. I think she's getting the impression that we have a lot of money and can afford it and that it's no big deal. I feel like I'm being taken advantage of!
GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is beginning to understand why someone who has given one shower for this lady refuses to give another. It's too bad you found this out too late.
But perhaps it is not too late. If the invitations have not gone out, you should inform her that you can either do a small luncheon or a larger tea, and that if neither suits her, you will not feel hurt if she cancels the event.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My oldest daughter is graduating from college, and we are having a small family lunch after the ceremony. I was wondering if it is OK to send formal announcements about her graduation without inviting everyone to the lunch. We are so proud of her and just wanted to let people know what she has accomplished. What do you think?
GENTLE READER: Parental pride is a lovely thing, but correspondence involves two people, so it is not only your reaction to your daughter's graduation that Miss Manners needs to know.
What is your best guess as to the reaction of each person to whom you propose sending an announcement? If it is "Oh, my, Kristin is graduating from college already, how wonderful," by all means send an announcement. But don't if it might be "She already told us, so why is she sending this?" or "Do we know this kid?"
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