DEAR MISS MANNERS: I find it very self-centered and not at all mannerly for people to specify that a wedding or other family event be "black tie only." It's akin to inviting guests to an "all white" wedding, where everyone attending is supposed to wear only white, or a medieval-themed wedding where guests are not welcome unless they are in Renaissance attire. (I've heard of such weddings!)

If this were a dinner party or New Year's Eve party, for example, people like me who do not own formal wear could simply decline the invitation. But a wedding or bar mitzvah is a once-in-a-lifetime event -- a time for family and long-time friends to reconnect -- and no one should be made to feel shabby by being told that only black tie is acceptable.

Let the wedding party go to the expense of special dresses and tuxedos. Welcome the guests warmly, dressed as they are in the nicest clothes they own. "Proper" is a matter of attitude and of the heart, not just the apparel, as the gift they bring and the distance they have traveled indicate.

GENTLE READER: You are not the only gentleman Miss Manners has encountered who is under the mistaken impression that the opposite of "formal" is "good-hearted."

It isn't. The opposite of "formal" is "informal."

Both are among the styles currently in use; neither is a masquerade costume nor a gimmick. Asking guests to wear formal dress on a formal occasion is no more unmannerly than telling them to wear jeans on an informal one.

Having snapped at you, Miss Manners will now reassemble her own warm-heartedness to make the case that clothes do not reveal the heart. Snobbery thrives among those fiercely devoted to informality -- examine your attitude toward those who hold traditional weddings -- as much as among those who actually own evening dress.

She very much doubts that your hosts will greet you less warmly if you do not respect their wishes. Weddings do not generally feature bouncers who refuse to admit those whose outfits they feel will not add to the occasion.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We were mourning the death of our dad. A neighbor brought over a dozen large homemade muffins.

The muffins were instantly devoured, and our brother took back the muffin pan. The neighbor asked if she could do anything else. Our brother said, "You could make more muffins!"

And she did -- bringing them within an hour. We thanked her profusely when she delivered them, and she was also thanked with a note. We gently scolded our brother, and he said, "But she asked."

Was this proper? The rest of us felt greedy (as we gobbled the new muffins).

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is delighted that you appreciated the muffins, and assures you that the neighbor appreciated knowing this and feeling that she could be of use to you.

It is true that you cannot allow your brother to think that every polite offer may be taken literally. You don't want him asking a clerk who says "May I help you?" to explain his homework to him. But there are enough special circumstances here to excuse all of you.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received as a gift what appear to be eight little crystal dumbbells. I am told they are knife rests.

Where and when would one use such a thing? Why would one use a knife rest? Shouldn't the knife be placed across the plate once it is used?

GENTLE READER: They are, indeed, knife rests, and one would use them to rest one's knives if said knives were exhausted. Yours are not likely to be.

Miss Manners is not criticizing your table manners. On the contrary, modern manners are better than those used when knife rests were invented. That was when people brought their own knives to the table and used them to spear everything within reach. Now that we have dishwashers, there is no need to re-use knives rather than replace them as needed.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Having recently lost my job, I spend lots of time at home, and a lot of it on the phone with friends, family, etc. I consider myself lucky to have that large number of friends. However:

Gripe No. 1. I have given up my Call Waiting in order to cut my expenses, and it drives me crazy when everyone says, "Boy I can never reach you. Your phone is always busy."

Should I let this bother me? For years, when I had Call Waiting, these very same people never got a busy signal, while I got a busy signal whenever I called them. I feel it is rude of them to call my attention to my busy phone. Am I just being crabby?

Gripe No. 2. When people get my answering machine for various reasons when I cannot answer, they play guessing games, like "Are you screening your calls?" or "Are you in the bathroom?" or "Are you taking a nap?" or "I can't believe you are out of the house already." Why not just leave a message and be done with it? Am I getting annoyed for no reason?

GENTLE READER: No, you have a reason, but it is the same one for both gripes. It is that people are assuming that you have nothing better to do than to be at their beck and call, whenever they chose to call. Or, for that matter, to beck.

Miss Manners hastens to assure you that this has nothing to do with your being out of work. It has to do with the nature of the telephone itself, which is inherently rude because it interrupts people. People who got used to being able to barge in at any time resent the answering machine, because that returned control to the person being called. And when that rudest of devices, Call Waiting, came along, they welcomed the return of their power.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I like to think I'm a good guest. I respond promptly to all invitations, and I always make a point of greeting the party-giver(s) upon arriving. I circulate, try to talk to as many people as is politely possible and always say goodbye to the host(s) when I leave.

But sometimes I wind up at parties that are uncomfortably crowded, or are held in basement apartments with uncomfortably low ceilings. (I'm over 6 feet tall, so this is an issue.) Under such circumstances, how long should I stay -- 30 minutes? An hour? -- to keep up a sociable facade before ducking out politely, pleading another engagement (even if it's only with my own couch)?

GENTLE READER: By ducking out, Miss Manners trusts that you, being an exemplary guest, could not possibly mean slipping out the door while the host's back is turned. That would be unthinkable.

The polite thing to do is to threaten as much. You run up to the host when he is obviously engaged in talking to others and say, "I don't want to interrupt the party, but unfortunately, I have to tear myself away." Then you blubber about what a wonderful time you had, how you hate to leave, how you wouldn't dream of letting him see you out and so on -- all said heartily -- while you back up toward the door. The leave-taking should add only about five minutes to the half-hour minimum you must stay.

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