Before water got so full of itself, it was a great little social mixer. With a history dating from ancient times when villagers would mingle by the well, it delighted in providing simple ways to foster sociability.

Hobos (as the geographically mobile homeless were called) could open a request for assistance from housewives (as geographically stranded working women were called) with a modest and undeniable plea for a glass of water.

Office workers could refresh themselves with gossip, complaints and jokes around the water cooler.

Children could stave off bedtime by the transparent but effective demand for a glass of water.

Things have changed, Miss Manners has observed. The need for water is recognized as being more important than ever, but the sociability that went along with it has vanished.

Fearfulness about crime has barred doors to strangers. Of old, the homeowners were aware that granting a request for water would lead to other demands, but they may not have had so vivid an idea as what those might be.

The water-cooler has lost its appeal now that people can gossip more comfortably by e-mail and take their breaks by playing computer games, both activities being less visible to supervisors than grouping together.

And any self-respecting child, indeed any self-respecting citizen, now carries around his own water bottle.

The effects are not all as beneficial as water would like to pretend. And it has become nothing if not pretentious.

Adopting the snobbishness of wine and the importance of medicine, all water thinks of itself as holy water. As it splashes around, it is creating etiquette problems.

"On two occasions, while attending church service, I saw people taking a couple of sips from their sport bottles," reports one Gentle Reader. "Is this acceptable?"

"As with many people," announces another, "I frequently carry my own store-bought water (both abroad and in the States). At a restaurant where we were having lunch, I refilled my water glass from my own water bottle. My brother found this to be extremely rude, while I found it a very practical solution to being thirsty. I should add that the water provided by the restaurant was at a fee. Was this indeed rude and cheap of me?"

Yet another Gentle Reader complains, "An uncomfortable situation arises if I am in the car, where I keep a bottle of water (I am in the habit of carrying drinking water with me wherever I go) or on an outing with small children whose parents invariably haven't bothered to think about drinking water. When they see me drinking, they begin complaining that they're thirsty.

"I seem to get sick often enough as it is, without 'help' from other people, and am fastidious about others not drinking from my bottle. On the other hand, I feel badly about being the cause of an unhappy child. Occasionally, the parents are miffed at my refusal when they ask if their little ones can share my water. Is there a tactful way out of this situation?"

The way out of all these problems is the realization that none of this involves administering water on an emergency basis to the critically parched. You may drink more water than you used to because it is good for you, and you may find it convenient to have your favorite brand on hand, but this does not wash out the basic restrictions on eating and drinking:

You do not take refreshment during church services or on other solemn or formal occasions.

When you go to a restaurant, you buy its wares, rather than bringing your own (unless there is a policy allowing that, inevitably accompanied by a corking fee).

When you are out with other people, you do not take refreshment unless you have some to offer them, too.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What would you do if you received minimal "RSVP's" to an upcoming party you were hosting? It seems pretty rude to not even respond to an invite, but do you track everyone down?

GENTLE READER: Unfortunately, you have to, unless you want a lot of leftovers or a lot of hungry guests. If it were Miss Manners, she would hang onto the list of people who needed prodding. It will serve as an invaluable reminder, for the next party, of whom not to invite.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: There is a minor point of place setting that I have been wondering about for some time now. The blade of the knife faces the plate in a properly laid place setting. Why?

With an asymmetrical silver pattern, the knife handle would look wrong if the blade faced the spoon, of course, but with a symmetrical pattern it would hardly be noticeable.

GENTLE READER: Minor? Pointing knives at the dinner table?

Have you not noticed that when you are busy with your food, tossing off careless remarks that someone might take amiss, everybody around you is armed?

Cardinal Richelieu certainly noticed. He is said to be responsible for the ruling that the tips of all knives brought to the table must be blunted. Ostensibly, this was to discourage diners from using their knives to pick their teeth, but there had been more than a few problem with diners picking on one another. Keeping the sharp part pointed toward yourself is the least you can do as a show of faith that no matter how provocative, boring or disgusting your fellow diners may turn out to be, you, at least, are willing to let them live until dessert.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm in a family disaster. Prior to my sister's 50th birthday, I had her for dinner and asked when can we celebrate her birthday. She said she did not want a party, she was going on a three-week vacation, and we could celebrate when she got back. I have a beautiful gold bracelet I want to give her.

In the meantime, my husband and I made a commitment to go to dinner and theater for a friend's birthday two weeks later. Three days before, my mom frantically called, saying she forgot to make reservations for my sister's birthday, and could we make it on that date.

I said I couldn't, but I called my sister, apologized, and asked if we could take her out another night.

Well, my sister refused to go any night, ever, detailing what a terrible a person I was. She recalled, "You scared me at night so I couldn't sleep at 5 years old, you forced me into the deep end of the swimming pool when I was only 7 years old, you did X...when I was 9, you did Y when I was 11, You...Z when I was 13..." and so on, implying that I have always selfishly mistreated her. She accused me of purposely planning not to go to her dinner with our parents. Then she hung up on me.

This incident will live on forever in my sister's mind. I have written to her both apologizing and inviting her to an elegant dinner at a five-star hotel. I love my sister. How do I get out of this mess?

GENTLE READER: Just send her the bracelet and stop worrying about it.

Miss Manners doesn't expect your sister to dissolve in gratitude; people who keep decades-old accounts of their grievances will always declare reasons for citing them. As there is nothing else you can do to derail this, at least you will know that you have been generous as well as reasonable.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: For many years, a girl at my high school was one of my closest friends. Each of us knew everything about the other -- until about a year ago, when she started dating a guy who was all around bad news. Now, I am afraid that some of the bad-news boyfriend has rubbed off on her.

Although I no longer consider myself a friend of hers, we act civilly toward each other and still talk from time to time. Recently, there has been a rumor circulating around my school regarding whether or not she is pregnant. I have had at least two dozen people ask me if it is true, and I have told every single one of them that I don't feel it's something that they need to concern themselves with.

However, after being asked this question by so many people, I could not help but wonder how much, if any, truth went along with this rumor. I went straight to the source. Right before I left a recent social event, I pulled her aside, made sure no one would be able to hear me, and asked her myself.

She, in turn, said I was prying and said that my timing, along with my asking, was inappropriate, and any attempts at apologizing for my behavior were ignored. I have found myself wondering: If I was entirely concerned for her well being, was I wrong to inquire about it?

GENTLE READER: Without doubting your concern, Miss Manners does doubt that it prompted your inquiry. You asked because you were curious. Naturally. Miss Manners is curious, too, and she doesn't even go to your high school.

But that does not justify your trying to satisfy your curiosity by casting aside another's privacy. You may consider it a rule for life that asking any friend, former friend, relative or acquaintance if she is pregnant is rude.

Besides, how were you going to improve her well-being if you knew? By offering midwife services? The kindest thing you could have done for her was to remain ignorant so as to discourage any gossip that came your way.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At the reception hall for my son's wedding, there was no receiving line for parents to greet the guests -- just a lot of people in one room. Is it proper etiquette for the guests to then approach the parents and say hello/goodbye?

I tried to make the rounds and greet everyone, but with the number of people, it was difficult. I felt slighted that some people I couldn't greet didn't come over to me.

GENTLE READER: Is it proper for the guests to overlook the slight offered to them by hosts who fail to greet them, and take the job upon themselves? Yes, but let us not forget here who created the problem.

Miss Manners has heard a lot of nonsense about a receiving line being "too formal" for people who are entertaining dozens of people on -- guess what? formal occasions. So far, they have not come up with a substitute that would allow them to greet every guest upon arrival at a reception and say goodbye to every guest who is departing.

"Making the rounds," as you have discovered, does not do the job. Once the reception gets going, both hosts and guests find themselves waylaid in conversation and hesitant to interrupt other conversations. So they both feel slighted.

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