DEAR MISS MANNERS: There is a minor point of place setting that I have been wondering about for some time now. The blade of the knife faces the plate in a properly laid place setting. Why?

With an asymmetrical silver pattern, the knife handle would look wrong if the blade faced the spoon, of course, but with a symmetrical pattern it would hardly be noticeable.

GENTLE READER: Minor? Pointing knives at the dinner table?

Have you not noticed that when you are busy with your food, tossing off careless remarks that someone might take amiss, everybody around you is armed?

Cardinal Richelieu certainly noticed. He is said to be responsible for the ruling that the tips of all knives brought to the table must be blunted. Ostensibly, this was to discourage diners from using their knives to pick their teeth, but there had been more than a few problem with diners picking on one another. Keeping the sharp part pointed toward yourself is the least you can do as a show of faith that no matter how provocative, boring or disgusting your fellow diners may turn out to be, you, at least, are willing to let them live until dessert.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm in a family disaster. Prior to my sister's 50th birthday, I had her for dinner and asked when can we celebrate her birthday. She said she did not want a party, she was going on a three-week vacation, and we could celebrate when she got back. I have a beautiful gold bracelet I want to give her.

In the meantime, my husband and I made a commitment to go to dinner and theater for a friend's birthday two weeks later. Three days before, my mom frantically called, saying she forgot to make reservations for my sister's birthday, and could we make it on that date.

I said I couldn't, but I called my sister, apologized, and asked if we could take her out another night.

Well, my sister refused to go any night, ever, detailing what a terrible a person I was. She recalled, "You scared me at night so I couldn't sleep at 5 years old, you forced me into the deep end of the swimming pool when I was only 7 years old, you did X...when I was 9, you did Y when I was 11, You...Z when I was 13..." and so on, implying that I have always selfishly mistreated her. She accused me of purposely planning not to go to her dinner with our parents. Then she hung up on me.

This incident will live on forever in my sister's mind. I have written to her both apologizing and inviting her to an elegant dinner at a five-star hotel. I love my sister. How do I get out of this mess?

GENTLE READER: Just send her the bracelet and stop worrying about it.

Miss Manners doesn't expect your sister to dissolve in gratitude; people who keep decades-old accounts of their grievances will always declare reasons for citing them. As there is nothing else you can do to derail this, at least you will know that you have been generous as well as reasonable.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: For many years, a girl at my high school was one of my closest friends. Each of us knew everything about the other -- until about a year ago, when she started dating a guy who was all around bad news. Now, I am afraid that some of the bad-news boyfriend has rubbed off on her.

Although I no longer consider myself a friend of hers, we act civilly toward each other and still talk from time to time. Recently, there has been a rumor circulating around my school regarding whether or not she is pregnant. I have had at least two dozen people ask me if it is true, and I have told every single one of them that I don't feel it's something that they need to concern themselves with.

However, after being asked this question by so many people, I could not help but wonder how much, if any, truth went along with this rumor. I went straight to the source. Right before I left a recent social event, I pulled her aside, made sure no one would be able to hear me, and asked her myself.

She, in turn, said I was prying and said that my timing, along with my asking, was inappropriate, and any attempts at apologizing for my behavior were ignored. I have found myself wondering: If I was entirely concerned for her well being, was I wrong to inquire about it?

GENTLE READER: Without doubting your concern, Miss Manners does doubt that it prompted your inquiry. You asked because you were curious. Naturally. Miss Manners is curious, too, and she doesn't even go to your high school.

But that does not justify your trying to satisfy your curiosity by casting aside another's privacy. You may consider it a rule for life that asking any friend, former friend, relative or acquaintance if she is pregnant is rude.

Besides, how were you going to improve her well-being if you knew? By offering midwife services? The kindest thing you could have done for her was to remain ignorant so as to discourage any gossip that came your way.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At the reception hall for my son's wedding, there was no receiving line for parents to greet the guests -- just a lot of people in one room. Is it proper etiquette for the guests to then approach the parents and say hello/goodbye?

I tried to make the rounds and greet everyone, but with the number of people, it was difficult. I felt slighted that some people I couldn't greet didn't come over to me.

GENTLE READER: Is it proper for the guests to overlook the slight offered to them by hosts who fail to greet them, and take the job upon themselves? Yes, but let us not forget here who created the problem.

Miss Manners has heard a lot of nonsense about a receiving line being "too formal" for people who are entertaining dozens of people on -- guess what? formal occasions. So far, they have not come up with a substitute that would allow them to greet every guest upon arrival at a reception and say goodbye to every guest who is departing.

"Making the rounds," as you have discovered, does not do the job. Once the reception gets going, both hosts and guests find themselves waylaid in conversation and hesitant to interrupt other conversations. So they both feel slighted.

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We are about to celebrate a holiday that is dedicated to a word that sticks in many people's craws: "Thanks."

Whatever God might receive in the way of expressions of gratitude, the earthly pickings have become scarce.

This is because many people are extremely idealistic. They have explained to Miss Manners that generosity is a virtue that should be kept pure, and that people who expect to be thanked for presents or favors should feel ashamed of themselves for being selfish and unworthy.

A more practical argument comes from people on the receiving end who explain that they are simply too busy to issue thanks. They are not asking for shame from those who take the time to think about what might please them, and to acquire and send this, but for the sympathy that should flow from understanding of the importance of their time.

Miss Manners recommends taking pity on both sorts of no-thanks folks. They should be relieved of the burden of thanking by the simple measure of removing any cause for doing so. If necessary, one might explain to them that delicacy requires ceasing to shower them with attentions considering the likelihood that these are unwelcome. Without positive feedback, the sensitive donor should assume that the effort to please has failed.

She has no pity for those who turn on people who do thank -- who even thank them. Following their own theories, they should dismiss the thankers, along with their benefactors who expect thanks, as being of bad character or simply too unimportant to have better things to do.

Instead, they go after them, on the grounds that they are giving ingratitude a bad name. Here are some reports from Gentle Readers who have been chastised because they dared to thank:

"I was rather puzzled last Christmas when two of my older sisters requested that I not write them thank-you notes because it would make them feel guilty for not writing their own."

"I have gotten into the habit of sending thank-you notes since I reached adulthood, and wish to continue doing so for my engagement and wedding presents. When my mother discovered that this was my intention, she was furious. She says that I should thank the givers via telephone, that our friends and relatives will be at best confused and at worst insulted if I send written thanks instead, for I would be implying that I don't want to talk to them."

"A friend of ours asked me not to send her thank-you notes any longer for the Christmas gift she gives us each year. She said that she does not have time to send thank-you notes. I appreciate the time and effort that others spend in purchasing and giving us gifts and like to show my appreciation by sending thank-you cards but do not want to make her feel uncomfortable in any way."

Thanksgiving must be a rough day for the anti-thanks people. One should at least wish them a thankless Christmas.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My job involves meeting quite a few new people each week, getting to know them enough to understand what their technical requirements are, and then completing consulting assignments for them.

Lately, I seem to be surrounded by people who are chronic name droppers. If I don't seem impressed enough that they know the renowned Mr. So-and-so, they assume it's out of ignorance and stop their story to explain to me exactly how important he really is. My boss is among the worst offenders -- regularly coming into my office to share stories about the important people he knows.

Is there a gentle and polite way to move these people back to the subject at hand?

GENTLE READER: Yes, and don't stop now.

If there is one thing that drives name droppers wild, Miss Manners has noticed, it is failing to catch the names as they drop. You need only keep a polite show of mild interest on your face as you ask for explanations:

"Who did you say?"

"Is she famous?"

"Is that the new employee?"

"How do you spell that name?"

"I'm sorry, I don't watch much television, so you'll have to tell me who he is."

They soon discover that it takes all the fun out of name-dropping if they have to pick them up themselves.

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