DEAR MISS MANNERS: We were finishing a late lunch in a casual restaurant when an arriving couple chose a nearby table. As the woman of the pair (a diminutive sort) was clambering up onto the tall barstool-style chair that was offered, her loose-fitting khaki shorts slipped severely when she scooted onto the seat.

With her back to us, the resulting view plainly suggested the lyrics to "Shine On Harvest Moon," an effect only heightened by the fact that this diminutive woman was wearing an equally diminutive string-style thong.

In the days of more modest fashion, a gentleman's discreet, "Pardon, your slip is showing" was considered an appropriate hint that a lady's garment was amiss. In this circumstance, however, we were at a loss for any polite way to indicate to this obviously oblivious woman that she was suffering from extreme southern exposure.

Since the restaurant was otherwise empty, and not wanting to embarrass her further (a near impossibility in this instance, ironically), we chose discretion and left with the hope she would quietly discover and correct the situation herself.

But what would be the proper thing to do, in this instance, from across a crowded room? Would our waiter have been an appropriate intermediary?

GENTLE READER: Your waitress might have been, but then she would only put the same question to Miss Manners about what she should say, and you already have the answer.

"Pardon, your slip is showing" is still exactly the right thing to say, as you will realize if you try updating the remark to fit the actual situation. And by the way, Miss Manners congratulates you on not hanging around.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: With all the recent troubles in the economy, I have a number of friends who are unemployed, some for a great deal of time. I also have friends who are still very successfully employed, even supervising large numbers of people and in a position to influence hiring.

I am often being asked by friends seeking employment to mention this fact to friends who might be in a position to hire.

I'm always happy to help, but I get a very funny feeling about going to have lunch with a friend and then listing a few people who've asked me to mention they're looking for work. On the other hand, I'm told that this is basic networking, and it's perfectly acceptable to do on a friend's behalf. So, I'm not sure which way to dodge. Am I being foolish to worry about this? What's the best way to be helpful to my friends?

GENTLE READER: Second-hand networking is actually a great deal more tactful than the first-hand kind, where the candidate and the target are both bound to be embarrassed if it turns out not to be a good match.

All you need do is to alert your hiring friends that you know some good people in case they are looking, and let them take it up or drop it. Miss Manners only cautions you not to mislead either side -- the prospective employer by claiming merits for which you cannot vouch, or the prospective employees by predicting success for which you cannot vouch. Although this is really a matter of ethics, it would create etiquette problems.

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A social nightmare:

You have wronged a friend, perhaps inadvertently, but apparently unforgivably. Apologies were proffered, and may even have been accepted, but things are not the same.

It becomes difficult to reach your friend and impossible to secure a time when he or she is not too busy to see you. Further attempts at explaining are rejected as unnecessary, closing off any chance at obtaining forgiveness, which is not forthcoming.

Compounding the sadness of losing a friend is the misery of knowing that you brought the rift upon yourself. Loneliness and guilt -- those unbeatable modern afflictions, all in one package.

Miss Manners is not without mercy and often pleads on behalf of transgressors. Etiquette doesn't overlook social wrongdoing, but it has a lot of forgiveness built into it -- if for no other reason, to put mercy in the bank in case one might need it oneself.

Yet, here is a worse version of that nightmare:

The avoidance and coldness is identical, but you cannot imagine what you did to deserve it. There must have been something, because a friendship that gave all signs of being mutually satisfying suddenly ceased with no explanation.

So now we have freeform guilt -- the kind that doesn't dwell on one awful incident, but chases around mercilessly through one's past looking for that hidden cause.

Only it may be a bum rap. The transgression could actually have been committed by the person who pre-empted the victim's opportunity to be offended (or, as Miss Manners would prefer to think of it, that person's opportunity to be graciously forgiving) by also doing the cutting.

Miss Manners is not charmed by this implication of self-effacement and remorse. What they are delineating is a plan to neglect the second social duty, namely that of apologizing for omitting the first one.

"But it's too late now," they wail at her.

This is a generally popular excuse. Procrastinators figure if they wait it out, whatever duty they were supposed to perform will be wiped off the record.

But in this particular type of situation, the guilty party figures he has settled the record by administering his own punishment. He has sentenced himself to banishment.

That, too, fails to engage Miss Manners' sympathies. When it is too late for a simple apology, what is required is some full-scale groveling. Far from disappearing, the requirement has accrued additional penalties for being late.

Especially among friends, a good groveler can break down the grovelee in no time. As with consumer complaints, one person carries on about how dreadful this was, and the other person is forced to argue that it's not all that important; the person who goes first gets to choose which role he plays, and the other one has to take the part that is left.

Silence, in contrast, transfers the blame, by default. That is a third social crime, right there.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My granddaughter, whose parents are divorced, is getting married. Her father is a disabled person because of illness.

The mother showed my granddaughter a book stating that if the father has no money to give, he is not entitled to come to the wedding.

We have never heard of this. I have spoken to many people who claim this is the first time they have heard this. Naturally, we are quite upset. Would you please be kind enough to let me know the protocol involved in a situation such as we have?

GENTLE READER: You never heard that fathers have to buy their way into their daughters' weddings, and that pleading illness and poverty is not acceptable?

Miss Manners is afraid that you have been checking for this information in the wrong place. What the bride's mother saw was not an etiquette book. Extortion is not a subdivision of manners.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What am I to do when acquaintances (sometimes people to whom I have just been introduced at a party) ask me if I am married and then proceed to grill me on the reasons that I am not? They invariably pronounce me too attractive, bright, etc., not to be married, and I am really stymied as to an appropriate response. Actually, I have a few thoughts, but I know you would not approve.

GENTLE READER: Some people have trouble learning that it is the meat that is supposed to be grilled at parties, not the guests. Miss Manners would probably not approve of what you are considering, but she would allow you to listen to all that nonsense without comment and then say, "But enough about me. Now tell me about your love life."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an employee at a fast food franchise. Yesterday, I had a very unfortunate experience with a patron who was angry at me because 1) I was unable to accept a $50 bill as payment for her meal and 2) I told her that I had to charge her 20 cents for a cup of water.

This is because our restaurant policy forbids me to break down larger bills (due to counterfeiting risks) or give out cups for free (because of inventory purposes). These policies were not set by me, but by the people in upper management.

It is important to realize that when scenarios such as the one above are encountered in a fast food restaurant (and, indeed, in many other areas of customer service), the service workers are not intending to be rude or inhospitable, but are merely acting on orders from upper management. We do not like these rules any more than the customer does, but we are required to follow them. Failure to do so can result in disciplinary action or even dismissal.

If a customer does not like the policies regarding customer service, a more appropriate (and productive) method of dealing with the situation is to report one's concerns to upper management. They are the ones who make and give the orders and are more likely to listen to feedback from customers than they are from subordinate employees.

GENTLE READER: Your point is a reasonable one, and Miss Manners hopes that customer anger is not expressed to you rudely, for which there would be no excuse. Nevertheless, she is afraid that you missed something.

You are not only the employee of this restaurant, who must follow its rules, but its representative to the customer. And, presumably, the company is interested in saving customers as well as money. If you find that its policy is alienating customers, you should report this to your superiors in a businesslike way.

You should also tell customers that you will pass on their complaints. While it is fine to inform them where to report, you should understand that people who come by for a fast meal are less likely to do paperwork to improve one chain than to defect to another.

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