Who's in charge of manners at the beach house?

Well, come in and look around. Do you see any likely candidates? Do you see any signs of (voices take on decidedly sarcastic tone) et-i-quette?

It's summertime, and people only want to relax, party and have fun.

Miss Manners has nothing against summer, relaxation, parties or fun, although she does regard beaches as exhibiting a deplorable lack of natural shade. She goes so far as to recognize the value of time off from the formal etiquette of everyday life -- not that she has seen enough of that being practiced to warrant its needing a vacation.

But she grants no vacations from etiquette itself. That is because vacations, like other human activities, are unbearable without etiquette.

From their reports, she has a vivid idea of what people do in the typical group-house at the beach (besides unfailingly misjudging their personal capacity for storing beer longer than a few minutes).

They leave hair lying about in the sink and shower, and strangers lying about on the sofa and floors.

They appropriate food that isn't theirs and abandon dirty dishes that are.

They make so much noise that nobody gets any sleep, although on different shifts: some of them making it before dawn to disturb those who sleep at night, and others making it after dawn to disturb those who sleep during the day.

They don't show up or leave when they are supposed to, and they bring people who aren't supposed to be there at all and don't always leave with them.

They attract robbers by omitting to lock the door, and they attract police by acts of commission.

They run up outrageous bills that they expect everyone to share in paying, and they duck their share of bills everyone is expected to pay.

And naturally, they want to sign up for next year. They are getting exactly what they want: an etiquette-free vacation.

This brings Miss Manners back to her original point. Beach houses need residents in charge of setting and enforcing etiquette rules, as do year-round group houses, whether they are occupied by roommates or families or any other combination of people with varying habits and tastes.

Miss Manners declines to do the job for them, and not only because she, too, wants some time off now and then. It is because the rules can be whatever the adult residents agree upon, provided they do not run foul of the legitimate claims of the landlord, the neighbors and the law. (See? She's not entirely opposed to freedom.)

In the case of summer sharing, it may not be possible to gather all those who would be affected by the rules. It falls to those who sign the lease, with visitors left the choice of agreeing to comply at the risk of expulsion, or making other rooming arrangements. The resident etiquette enforcers then have the job of judging transgressions and deciding whether to enforce the punishment, settle for a warning, or forget the entire thing and keep a list of those who should not be allowed to come back.

If they need Miss Manners' help, they can find her out in the hammock, dozing pleasantly. After all, it's summer relaxation time.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How should I respond to someone who tells me I have too much time on my hands? It doesn't happen that often, but when it does, it makes me see red.

The comment is usually made when it is obvious I have taken the time to make a special gift for someone I care about. Like everyone else in this world, I am struggling to keep up with life, and the remark insinuates that I sit on my hands all day.

I'm sure it bothers me because I resent that there is NEVER enough time to do everything. But I would love to come up with something to say in response to this insulting remark.

GENTLE READER: "Not really -- I made the time, because I thought it would please you."

A decent person who stupidly used this phrase (which characterizes people who are making extra trouble, not taking extra trouble) will then apologize and deliver a proper expression of thanks. Only if someone persists, instead, in chastising you instead of thanking you, does Miss Manners give you permission to add, "Now that you mention it, I suppose I did waste my time."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Summer seems to bring out the worst in some friends and neighbors. One neighbor wants me to walk her obnoxious, poorly trained dog -- for free, of course. Lots of kids would love a job like that and would do it well, but not me.

A friend (?) feels I should take over "clinic visits": surprise visitations to complete strangers -- her friends, not mine. I'm not being mean, but I'm a retired nurse and tired of medical problems. For some reason she thinks I'm available or interested. I retired to get away from this.

Would her friends want to see a stranger visiting? I don't think so.

Another neighbor constantly asks me when I'll get siding. I'm a fairly new widow and have done a lot inside, but outside bids are not written out, and in some cases the contractor's insurance is questionable. (One refused to give me the name of their insurance company. Does that sound honest or reliable?) She got taken on some home repairs and seems envious.

We've never been friends, but I stay out of her business and wish she'd stay out of mine. How do I deal with her politely?

GENTLE READER: Although she is happy to treat this as the standard query about fending off nosiness and impositions, Miss Manners stumbled on the part about your being a fairly new widow.

Could that be connected with the multiplicity of neighbors who are making admittedly bizarre requests? Could they be worrying about you and trying to think of activities that would keep you active?

If so, they are not very good at it, and you are in need of the standard method of refusing without possibility of discussion: "I'm terribly sorry, but I'm afraid I can't," offering no excuse with which they could argue. However, if you suspect concern rather than simple exploitation, Miss Manners wishes you would at the same time propose some small activity, perhaps just having coffee together, as a way of recognizing their good intentions.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was walking down the street, engaged in my own thoughts, when a man yelled at me as I walked by: "Hey you, smile! It's a beautiful day, and it's free!"

Needless to say, having a stranger yell at me did not make me feel like smiling. I ignored him completely.

But, as I continued away, my train of thought interrupted and feeling a bit irritated, I wondered if I ought to have said something. I realize that it is not polite to provide unsolicited etiquette advice to others. However, I also suspect that he accosts people in this manner because he doesn't realize that his behavior is offensive, and as long as no one explains that to him, he will continue to intrude upon others. Is it appropriate to explain to someone that his behavior is offensive and precisely why?

GENTLE READER: Didn't you just get through telling Miss Manners that you found it offensive for strangers to tell others how to behave?

Bad as it is to issue smiling orders to strangers, issuing them reprimands is worse. The way to indicate a rejection of any sort of improper approach is to sail by as if the person did not exist.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last year, one of my good friends got married, and, although my friends and I were all part of an intimate group, all of the men got invited but none of the women. My friend explained this by telling us that his fiancee did not want us there.

I admit I did not take this well, but I did not know her very well, and I see no reason to hold a grudge. Here is where the question arises: I saw my friend and his wife at my place of employment, and, after a few minutes of talking to him, I mistook her for someone else. How do I apologize for that? She was polite, but I am sure that I offended her.

GENTLE READER: Much as Miss Manners hates to be less angelic than her Gentle Readers, she very definitely does see a reason to hold a grudge against someone who so explicitly and rudely made clear her desire not to know you. That you, in fact, did not know her strikes Miss Manners as a reasonable consequence.

However, if you insist upon out-manners-ing Miss Manners, you could issue this lady an invitation, saying, "I'm sorry I mistook you. I really do want to get to know you better." If this does not gain you a friend, it will at least gain you a reason for holding a grudge.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I entertain a fair amount, particularly during the summer months (we have a pool), and we have hosted several pre-wedding occasions (showers and bachelor parties), which we also enjoy greatly. Our friends are very generous in often bringing food items to share at these occasions.

A minor irritant is that after these types of occasions, I often find several platters, plates or other crockery items which were left behind (usually because there was still food on them) and which are not labeled with the owners' names. As much as I can, I try to remember who brought the particular item and endeavor to return the platter to its rightful owner. However, if a particularly large party was held, it is usually impossible to remember exactly who brought what.

Is it my responsibility to track down the owners, or should I wait until they discover the item is missing and remember that it was brought to my house? I still have several plates on hand from our first barbecue/pool party that was held right after we moved into our house four years ago. I should mention that the matter of space is sometimes an issue, as I do not have unlimited storage space to keep these platters indefinitely.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is inspired to invent a new social form: The platter party. This is where you invite all your friends who have kindly contributed food to your parties, insist that this time you will provide all the food, and then make them pick out their platters to take home.

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