DEAR MISS MANNERS: Everyone knows the proper thing for a man to do during the playing of our national anthem is to remove his hat or baseball cap. Are women also expected to remove their hats or caps?

GENTLE READER: At the risk of making more trouble, Miss Manners suggests thinking of this in terms of the hat rather than its bearer. Gentlemen's hats and caps are removed as a sign of respect, but ladies' hats are not.

When the rule was made, ladies did not wear baseball caps; if they choose to do so, they must abide by the rules that go with them. Miss Manners would appreciate no one's taking this argument to its logical conclusion in regard to gentlemen wearing ladies' hats.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The grilling season is upon us, and I have a dilemma. Our good friends invite us over for cookouts all summer long. How do we tell them that their burgers turn out like hockey pucks and their steaks are like burnt leather without taking over the grill?

When we have baked potatoes, they bring out a giant squeeze bottle of margarine. Their salt and pepper shakers come in a twin pack from the local store and might have been around for years. We usually bring our share of the food with us. Should we start bringing the condiments with us, too?

GENTLE READER: Why? Do hockey pucks and leather taste better with real butter and fresh salt and pepper?

You have a dilemma, all right, but it is not whether to bring seasonings to these wretched picnics, and certainly not how to tell your hosts that you hate their food. What an idea!

Your dilemma is whether to ignore the menu because you enjoy the company, or whether you should classify them as cold-weather friends and take the summer off. Miss Manners would prefer that you avoid this choice by cooking for them yourselves, either by giving your own cookouts or offering to bring main features of the menu to theirs.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: During a recent lunch in a small cafe, a relative informed me that unlike cloth napkins, paper napkins are to be kept to the side of the plate and not to be spread over one's lap. As most of the restaurants I dine in provide paper napkins, I would like to know what is correct.

GENTLE READER: Does your relative imagine that paper napkins have achieved the dignity of having their own etiquette rules?

Only negative ones, Miss Manners assures you. That is, if paper napkins are issued, they should be up to the job of mopping and wiping whatever food the restaurant serves. Oddly, enough, the choice between cloth and paper seems to be made in reverse of their usefulness -- cloth being used when the food rarely touches the fingers or drips on the chin, and paper being used when it does both.

So although the same rules apply to paper napkins as to real ones, a hapless diner might find it expedient to request a second paper napkin kept aside for heavy use so that the one on the lap does not soak through.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My partner of 26 years and I don't normally disagree on important matters. However, a regrettable incident that occurred in Italy many years ago has resulted in a long-running difference of opinions on bathroom etiquette.

We were visiting Rome back in the '80s, and we were on one of those horrible tour buses when he started experiencing great discomfort due to something he had eaten for breakfast. It took us some time to convince the tour guide and driver, who claimed they were behind schedule, to stop the bus and allow him to use a public facility.

Finally, they relented on the condition that he hurry up. He was instructed to run into a bar, go down the stairs and that he would find the restroom at the end of a very long hallway. I should mention that in those days he was extremely shy, and this was already a highly embarrassing experience for him.

By the time he reached the door, it had become a matter of the utmost urgency. He desperately reached for the doorknob and yanked it open. Unfortunately, there was a local lady on the other side who, aware that the door lock was inoperative, was holding on for dear life. Out she came with her slacks down to her knees, still holding the doorknob and futilely trying to keep hold of her purse, the contents of which scattered all over the hallway floor.

After some very awkward moments, the angry woman returned to her seat, leaving him thoroughly mortified and still in agony. No sooner had he finally entered the bathroom when the tour guide started knocking on the door, as he was taking too much time.

As you can imagine, the incident left deep emotional scars that linger to this day. Now he claims that you should never try the handle on a restaurant bathroom, especially if it's an individual facility, and that instead you should knock first.

I, for one, find it very annoying to have someone knocking at the door when I'm using a public toilet and therefore think it's preferable to gently try the handle or doorknob and, if unlocked, open the door slowly, thus allowing anyone inside to make their presence known. We would love to hear your views on this.

GENTLE READER: You seem to have something of a cognitive problem. If living with a person who was traumatized for life by using the method you recommend does not alert you to the possibility that there is something wrong with it, Miss Manners cannot hope to convince you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How are the knife and fork arranged when placed to the left of the plate upon a paper napkin? We are servers at a restaurant who are having a problem agreeing about how to set the tables.

I think that the fork is to the left of the knife, which itself has its cutting edge turned toward the fork. My co-worker insists that the fork is next to the plate, with the knife to the left of the fork. Or is either choice all right, considering that the arrangement is so casual?

GENTLE READER: Either choice all right? Is this an anarchist theme restaurant?

Forks always go to the left of the plate and knives to the right of the plate with the cutting edge toward it. Casual does not give you license to improvise and make customers who are expecting a casual evening have to spend it hunting for their knives.

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"Show your American pride!" proclaims the advertisement. Stars and stripes blaze through the block letters of the word "American."

The flag of the United States, in its entirety or bits and pieces thereof, is the decorative element on the merchandise -- clothing, coin purses (one of these in the shape of lips), mugs, flasks, dishes, wine glasses, pens, flashlights and cosmetic bags -- being offered for those responding to the call to display their patriotism. Since Sept. 11, many such items are being worn or used, but even before then, it was not uncommon to see the American flag on sweaters, T-shirts and bathing suits, and as a device to draw attention to goods for sale in connection with Independence Day and George Washington's birthday.

This particular advertisement, however, happened to come from the store on an American military base, where servicemen and servicewomen buy their regulation uniforms and insignia. And there happen to be regulations against using the country's flag in such ways.

Every Fourth of July, legions of Miss Manners' Gentle Readers, fearing she is not strict enough about such things, kindly send her copies of the Flag Code approved by the United States Congress. Among other things, it states that "the flag should never be used for advertising purposes in any manner whatsoever," that it should "not be embroidered on such articles as cushions and handkerchiefs and the like," and never be "used as wearing apparel," costumes or athletic uniforms.

Now, if Miss Manners were any stricter, her worried Gentle Readers could probably use her as a flagpole. So although the Flag Code is unenforceable by law, it should be enforceable by etiquette. She ought to be glaring at violators until their toes curl, and righteous citizens everywhere should consider their country's honor attacked and defend it.

But she is not, and neither are other patriots.

Miss Manners remembers when that sort of confrontation was common. The rules were so well known that protesters who wanted a visually provocative way to demonstrate disapproval of their country dressed pretty much the way thousands of patriotic citizens have started dressing in order to demonstrate their support of their country. They have simply flipped the national symbolism to make an explicit sign of disrespect into one of loyalty.

Ignorance of etiquette never surprises Miss Manners, she is sad to say. And the cry of "everybody does it" has never made her shrink from condemning a deterioration in manners.

But this is not a case of rules being defied in contempt of what they symbolize; on the contrary, the rule-breakers clearly intend an enthusiastic display of loyalty. Nor did these customs fade from general use because of laziness, greed, or the other usual motivations by which the courtesies of society are dropping off.

Rather than dropping the underlying emotion, those draping themselves in versions of the American flag intend to project the same concept that is intended in the rules. They may even have mistakenly interpolated legitimacy from flag lapel pins, which were never proscribed, and decided that if a small flag showed pride, bigger items would show more of it.

Symbolism being arbitrary by definition, it does change over time. Think of the generations that wear long hair to annoy their elders alternating with those who symbolize youthful defiance with shaved heads. When military facilities tout flag-wearing, it is no time for traditionalists to go on the attack against their compatriots.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I feel fairly certain that a male friend of my husband's and mine has a crush on me. He's an honorable person, and I trust that this and his regard for my husband will prevent him from ever voicing or acting on such a feeling.

What are my obligations in this situation? I've already tried to refrain from asking any of the normal little favors one asks of friends, feeling that he might feel overly obligated to help out when it might be inconvenient.

Would it be a kindness to avoid him altogether, or should I just pretend not to have noticed and wait for it to pass? And if I should meet an agreeable lady and want to introduce them, would that be acceptable?

GENTLE READER: Your obligation is to pretend you don't notice. This would serve the double purpose of discouraging his hopes and encouraging his self-control by allowing him to believe that it has at least salvaged his dignity.

Avoiding him counts as noticing, Miss Manners is afraid. Introducing him to an agreeable lady is a convincing way of making him notice your failure to notice, much less to share, his feelings for you.

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