Our vast cadre of social scientists is focusing its attention on marriage now, with the intention of rescuing that institution from a wayward predilection for extra-legal cohabitation and divorce. This strikes Miss Manners as only fair, considering what these folks accomplished with their last generation of techniques for improving marriage.

True, today's experts are mostly not responsible for the previous go-around. It is just that Miss Manners has witnessed so many cycles in which solutions to social problems were trumpeted, tried and then trounced that she pictures all experts as members of the same guild, taking turns keeping their profession going and the public entertained by alternately issuing alarming warnings and counter-warnings.

Appreciating their dedication and concern for public welfare, she hopes they take comfort from knowing that when they are not able to help, at least they are not unduly upsetting the public. Millions of people drift into a good night's sleep when they hear the soothing tones of a favorite announcer proclaiming, "New studies show...."

One cannot be told often enough to be careful not to ingest household cleaning solutions and to be nice to one's spouse. Miss Manners only objected to these study-based findings when they turned out not to suggest being nice to one's spouse, stressing, instead, the need for total, frank, open communication.

Whatever else that is, it is not nice.

Loyal, loving spouses sometimes think, "I'm so lucky I married you" and "You get cuter all the time," both of which should be stated, although preferably not while the person in question is trying to recover accidentally deleted work that is due the following morning.

But those loyal, loving spouses may also have such thoughts as, "I suppose you can't help it, but how can any human being be that clumsy?" and "If you died, nobody would mind my leaving my stuff where I want it."

These thoughts and feelings should not be shared.

Miss Manners does not share the experts' confidence that there are teachable "marriage skills" that can be applied to all couples. She once heard one such expert ask in despair, "Why is it that we teach high-school kids how to drive, and yet we don't even try to teach them how to have a happy marriage?" Her timid reply was, "Maybe it's because we know what makes cars work?"

Yet she does know something that always helps domestic life, although she would hardly classify it as a skill. It is (surprise!): ordinary politeness.

A myth exists that one of the pleasures of private life is the ability to drop manners and, as people always put it when they assert the desire to be repulsive, be themselves. On the contrary, that rapidly becomes one of its drawbacks.

True, family manners are less formal than those that are supposed to be applied outside the home. In family privacy, it is not improper to gnaw the chicken bones and walk around in bunny slippers. But when no manners are practiced -- when people start licking their plates or living in their underwear -- things usually go bad. And when the manners of personal respect disappear, and couples feel free to insult each other when they happen to harbor unflattering feelings, they get rapidly worse.

So if the new skill that experts are vaunting is politeness, Miss Manners would be willing to forget that it is the very one that their predecessors advised jettisoning.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Which side of your body is the proper place to wear nametags and/or jewelry?

We have heard that it is "proper" to wear them on the right side, and yet any time we see anyone of importance, i.e., the queen, Laura Bush and others that should know, they always have their jewelry on the left side. Can you clarify this for us?

Also, can you instruct us on when executives should and should not wear nametags?

GENTLE READER: Nametags on the right, jewelry on the left. Miss Manners is disappointed that you neglected to take up the question of whether the queen and Mrs. Bush should wear nametags, and if so, what they should say.

"HELLO! I'M/Your Majesty"?

"MY NAME IS/Laura (not Barbara)"?

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Are those paid newspaper announcements of weddings, engagements, etc., proper? I seem to recall something about a lady having her name in the paper only twice -- when she was born and when she died.

GENTLE READER: Thrice. Marriage, as well as birth and death -- but only one of each -- are the traditional occasions on which a lady is expected to undergo the pain of public scrutiny. Miss Manners, however, is in no position to criticize those who exceed their limits.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend and I have recently discovered, to our great surprise, that we are expecting a baby. As both of us are still in college and not financially (or emotionally) able to provide for our child, we are looking into adoption as the best, though most difficult, decision for our baby.

My question involves when and how it is appropriate to reveal that we are expecting. This is a very unplanned pregnancy, and our families and friends will be shocked, even upset and angry. I work in a gossipy office, and I know that my pregnancy will eventually become obvious.

Is it appropriate to tell people that I am pregnant, and how should we communicate nicely to people that we are giving up our child for adoption? I know many people would extend good wishes and congratulations before the news, but how do we respond pleasantly about what is a personal and painful decision, particularly when people express regret or inquire about our reasons for this decision?

GENTLE READER: There was a time when a lady in your situation would have been secluded during her pregnancy and the entire situation hushed up. And while Miss Manners is aware that all right-thinking people are horrified at what they consider the narrow and punitive way of thinking this betrays, you might consider a modified version, strictly for reasons of privacy outside of your most intimate circle.

Consider the number of intrusive statements that routine pregnancies bring on nowadays, from "You shouldn't be putting on so much weight" to "Haven't you heard of overpopulation?" Once you open your situation to discussion, there will be no possibility of avoiding outrageous questions, unsolicited advice and ungenerous opinions, which will be extremely painful.

Your families will have to be told, of course, and you may want to confide in a friend or two, but take care to tell them all of your plans at once, so as to avoid false hopes. While you cannot avoid hearing their reactions, you can minimize these by repeating, "Yes, we've considered that, but we've come to the conclusion that this is best for us all."

You may also be unable to take the time off from work, in which case people will undoubtedly weigh in as soon as your pregnancy is obvious. Miss Manners suggests countering congratulations and curiosity with, "Thank you, but I'm afraid there are complications," and making it clear that you will not enter into a discussion.

They will find out what happens, of course. You may even designate someone to tell them when you are on maternity leave so that you do not face a barrage when you return. But by that time, you will have a reputation as someone who does not countenance discussion of her personal life. Miss Manners assures you that that is an excellent reputation to have.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: OK, I have to admit it: I've been dumped. I am an attractive, intelligent and adventurous young woman, but the guy I was with simply stopped appreciating those qualities.

I was actually drawn to this man at first because he treated me so well (despite the fact that he wasn't tall or gorgeous), but as time went by, and particularly after he got laid off from his job, he gradually became less and less considerate, until I realized that he just wasn't interested anymore. We parted amiably when I told him that we could just be friends if that was what he wanted. But I tried to e-mail him a few days ago, and I was refused, so he obviously doesn't even want that.

My question is, how should a woman scorned treat the man who scorned her? We had signed up for dance classes together and thus are still seeing one another, so how should I treat him at the next (and last) class?

GENTLE READER: This is a lesson you would have learned had you taken the old-fashioned involuntary dance class when you were pubescent.

You would have been instructed to be polite to all the boys, whether you liked them or not, and to dance with whoever asked you. When you saw the class geek heading your way, you would have had to go through the correct motions, at least while Miss Terpsichore's steely eye was upon you, but you would have made your smile such that he would have stumbled backward trying to get away.

Miss Manners is not saying this is a charming technique to use on a nervous youth (who probably grew up to be a dashing tycoon, but that's another story), only that under the circumstances, it might be useful.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have tried to adopt a policy for myself and my children of sending thank-you notes promptly and consistently; however, I have run into a possible gray area when it comes to the spontaneous gifts my mother bestows on my kids. She lives about 10 minutes away from us and drops by regularly with little surprises for my girls (aged 8 and 9), gifts ranging from candy bars to new CDs or outfits. My kids always give her their verbal thanks, of course, and for larger gifts I've sometimes had them send notes as well.

In an intimate relationship such as the one between grandchild and doting grandparent, especially with the parties having frequent contact with each other, is there ever a time when a thank-you note is not required? I understand that relaying written gratitude is never inappropriate, but is it ever unnecessary? And is the value of the gift really the determining factor? In this instance, my mother -- the Miss Manners of my childhood -- is the one who thinks I go overboard on thank-you notes, so it's a bit of a quandry for me!

GENTLE READER: That is nothing compared to the tizzy in which you have put Miss Manners. Accustomed to a world of ingrates, she is astonished at the concept of excessive letters of thanks.

But yes, a written letter of gratitude for a candy bar from Grandmamma down the street would be excessive. Except for extraordinary items (measured in terms of sentiment more than money), presents enthusiastically received first hand do not require such letters.

Far be it from Miss Manners, however, to discourage children from the practice. Wouldn't it be charming if you just had them write their grandmother an occasional letter, unattached to any particular little treat, saying how lucky they feel to have her nearby?

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