Before someone comes out with a packaged tour of the 10 Best Horrific Disaster Sites, complete with rides thrillingly simulating the tragedies, Miss Manners would like to establish a few rules for rubber-necking.

Although the immediate issue has to do with onlookers who gather near Ground Zero, the question is a timeless one. From driving by fresh accidents to pacing historic battlefields and graveyards, this is a special kind of tourism that requires special behavior.

And before everyone murmurs, "Yes, yes, we must show respect, what's in the picnic basket?" Miss Manners would like to acknowledge the volatile mix of human emotions that makes this a more complicated matter.

Respect is indeed essential, but the strictness of it varies according to the nature of the event at the site, the amount of time that has passed and whether human remains are present. Another factor is whether the immediately bereaved are likely to be around, and whether rescue work is still being done.

For example, visitors who have been posing for souvenir pictures at Ground Zero, some going so far as to request mourners to pose with their flowers and tears, are clearly being indecent. But Miss Manners is tolerant of students who josh around and take pictures of one another at the supposed place in the Roman Forum where Caesar was murdered. Mrs. Caesar might not be, but that lady was enjoined to be even stricter than Miss Manners.

The element of curiosity that brings people to such a place is routinely condemned, to the extent of being referred to as "morbid curiosity." Miss Manners wonders if the absence of interest would not be harder to take. She finds herself sympathetic with those who are affected enough by the events of their time to be drawn to see for themselves.

Public piety has grown amazingly in the last few years. Not so long ago, rites connected with death were minimized, on the indisputable grounds that the person most concerned was not in a position to appreciate them. But the need for ritualistic recognition of the mystery of death is so strong in humanity -- we even define humanity by evidence of whether prehistoric beings buried their dead ceremoniously -- that it popped up again. Piling up teddy bears may appear to have little in common with black veils and armbands, but they spring from the same feeling.

It is a feeling not unmixed with relief at being alive oneself, Miss Manners realizes. But such a feeling is so jarring to survivors and mourners, even when they feel a twitch of it themselves, that we must observe rules to repress its expression.

Ground Zero, being the scene of a recent national tragedy of enormous scale, as well as the grave site of countless individuals, and a place where disaster work continues to be done, requires a maximum of restraint on the part of visitors. Stay out of the way of workers and mourners, maintain a somber demeanor, speak in low tones, and avoid any comments that might be offensive if overheard.

Anyone for whom that is not sufficient is in the wrong place.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been invited to a high school prom, and I plan to wear long gloves. I heard that you are not supposed to take off your gloves once you put them on, even while eating dinner. Please tell me if this is correct or if there are any other etiquette rules I should know about gloves.

GENTLE READER: There are many rules connected with gloves, and there are many items of clothing you are not supposed to take off at a high school prom. But there is no rule that you cannot take off your gloves.

On the contrary, there is an imperative rule that you must remove your gloves when eating. You must also remove them when drinking or smoking, although Miss Manners trusts there are rules against doing either of these on this occasion. You must also never hit anyone across the face with them unless you are prepared to exchange shots at dawn.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband's sister just came into a great deal of money, and to celebrate, she and her husband invited my family to join them on a trip to Disney World -- their treat. We all had a marvelous time.

At the airport on the way home, the airline offered free airline tickets to anyone who would give up their seat on our flight for a later flight that day. I opted to give up my seat. My in-laws dropped my husband off on their way home (we live 10 minutes apart), and I drove our car home from the airport.

Later, I felt that taking advantage of this offer may have been rude -- that I was getting even more free stuff from the generosity of my in-laws.

Should I have flown home with the group? Should I offer my free airline ticket to my in-laws? (It is transferable.)

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners may have a better idea than you do of what is bothering you. It is not exactly the money, and (you may be relieved to hear) she doesn't believe that giving away the ticket is the solution.

What your sister-in-law bought with her windfall was time with you and your family. What you sold for your extra airplane ticket was time with your family.

Granted, being together on an airplane is not exactly quality time. Nevertheless, you did leave them prematurely -- and for a free ticket, at a time when you hadn't even finished using their free ticket.

What your in-laws need from you is not an airplane ticket, but the assurance that you value your time together as much as they do. You should state this and initiate plans to see them, not worrying that an invitation to dinner or a proposal for an excursion to the zoo costs less than the trip. The way to use the airplane ticket to re-enforce this is to say, "I felt bad about leaving you, but I want this toward our all taking another trip together."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Whatever do you do when a person from your long-ago past unexpectedly confronts you with, "Do you know who I am?"

This is really confounding, particularly when you are at a social gathering, with others around you, enjoying the joke on you.

It happened again yesterday when a woman whom I had not seen in over 25 years, whom I did not then know particularly well, and who is not aging with much grace, confronted me, as I was at a function, chatting with some recently met acquaintances.

"No, you look too old and too fat for me ever to have paid attention to you" came to mind, but I didn't want to be that rude. As I am now in my 70th year, with all my faculties good and sound, I sound like a stumbling idiot as I stand there, fumbling with what to say. What should I say?

GENTLE READER: "How could anyone forget you?"

Should the lady be so rash as to pass up the opportunity to accept this gracefully and ask, "Well, then, who am I?" Miss Manners gives you leave to say gently, "Surely you can tell me."

Your only error is to feel foolish when approached by foolish people.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Recently I contracted with a company to do some work in my home, and was dissatisfied with the work performed. In response to my letter of complaint, I received a hand-written "Thank You" card (gold lettering on the front), in which I was addressed by my first name. It was a letter of apology, with an assurance that my suggestions would be attended to in future business.

I appreciated the content, and the handwriting, but was annoyed by the assumed familiarity. Since the note did not respond to my request for a partial refund, I had occasion to write again, and sent a typewritten letter on business-size paper. Was this proper?

As my original complaint centered on the lack of professionalism on the part of this company (on a scale much larger than that of correspondence and modes of address), I fear the subtlety of maintaining my distance may be lost on them. Is there anything else I can do (within the bounds of etiquette, of course) to dissuade them from unwanted "intimacy" in the future?

GENTLE READER: Don't hire them again. That way, they will never get anywhere near you.

Miss Manners does not advise this merely to punish the company for annoying you with an all-too-common transgression of etiquette. Saying, "I'd prefer that you call me Ms. Humblethwaite," pleasantly but directly, should be all that is needed to alert someone who means to be polite to you how to do so.

But you are talking about a company that doesn't have enough pride and responsibility about its own work to do it properly, nor make restitution after admitting that it did not.

Yes, a typewritten letter on business-size paper is proper for a business letter. Miss Manners just has a hard time picturing the recipients saying, "Look at this. Why don't we write dignified professional letters like this?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When eating soup from a bowl on a plate, where is the proper place to set the spoon between spoonfuls and again when finished? Is it the bowl or the plate?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is going to drive you crazy on this one. You want a simple answer so you can eat your soup in peace and propriety, and she is about to douse you with technical terms.

Soup may be served in bowls or cups with small plates under them, in which case the spoon is always parked on the underlying plate, whether you are finished or just resting up for the next spoonful. That would be a simple answer if this were all there were to it, but there is more.

At more or less formal dinners, soup is served in a so-called soup plate, which doesn't look like a plate because it is a rimmed wide, shallow bowl, but it is called a plate anyway. It goes on top of the service plate, and both are removed together when replaced with the plate for the fish or meat course.

When a soup plate is used, the spoon is parked in it, not in the flat plate below the soup plate. This is a shock to people who only learned soup-bowl etiquette, and will think you don't know any better, but it is the correct method.

You can achieve an even greater shock with two-handled soup cups, where it is not strictly necessary to use a spoon at all, but permissible to drink from the lifted cup. However, Miss Manners does not consider herself responsible for the consequences of Fun With Soup.

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