DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am not one of those parents who sees genius in her child's every action and utterance, and my husband and I have not been drilling our son with flashcards since birth; nor did we begin playing Mozart to him when he was in utero. But, we have an exceptionally intelligent second-grader whose teachers tell us that he is performing at least at fifth-grade level. He just turned out this way.

We are careful to avoid talking about his accomplishments and abilities in front of other parents for fear that we might sound boastful. However, he goes to a school that encourages parents to spend time in the classroom, so many of his classmates' parents have seen his work and are comparing it to their own children.

Other parents will ask what my husband and I have "done to him." How old was he when he learned to read? Does he use a computer at home? How much TV is he allowed to watch? Some even ask me for advice on making their children better readers or stronger in math, as if I would have any idea what to advise them!

They will ask what my son's scores were on tests and will not take, "Oh, I'm sure he did just fine," or "I don't remember" for an answer. One father told me that he had to know because he'd promised his daughter a dollar for every point she "beat" my son by on a math exam!

The mother of one of his first-grade classmates told me today that she had requested that her daughter not be placed in my son's class this year because "she deserves a chance to be the best for once."

When I am flabbergasted by their insensitive comments about my 6-year-old, I am afraid of sounding defensive or rude. It is even more awkward when they ask these questions while my son is standing right there.

Being vague doesn't seem to help -- these people want specifics. Even turning the conversation toward these parents' own children and how they like their teachers or what accomplished artists or athletes they're becoming doesn't seem to work. How can I answer politely and make it clear that I won't have my little boy discussed as if he were some sort of exotic specimen?

GENTLE READER: They won't even be deflected by your handing them opportunities to brag about their own children?

You do have some hard cases there. Miss Manners is afraid that the poor things really do believe that if only they can wrest your parenting secret from you, their children will be as bright as yours. No, they will beat yours, because these parents will apply twice the dosage you do.

All right, then, you'll have to tell them, although not in front of your son.

The secret (you should say in a conspiratorial whisper) is to fool your child into believing that his accomplishments are entirely his own, because he, not his parents, is responsible for developing his abilities. Once parents let on how much they have invested in his success (you should warn), it's all over. So you refuse to keep track of the very things they ask, and that is your contribution to your son's success.

You may be doing these people a service. Miss Manners is as aware as you that it will not change the children's innate intelligence. But, in the unlikely event that some parents try backing off, they may free their children to take responsibility for and pleasure in doing their own work.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: In our federal agency, there is pressure to produce a large number of cases. As one of the newly hired caseworkers, I have to work hard and efficiently to meet the production standards.

The more experienced caseworkers have time to spare after they make production quotas. Consequently, they feel compelled to socialize in an effort to release some of the stress. However, overextended visiting hinders those of us who are struggling to keep up.

Sometimes, to help end a conversation, I'll stand up and start heading toward the bathroom. Upon my return, though, someone else will want to converse. There are 27 of us in one room, half experienced and half trainees.

Is it extremely rude to say "I would love to visit more, but I just have to finish this case to make my production"?

GENTLE READER: You mean it is rude to work at work?

A lot of people seem to think so. Miss Manners has the impression that you are afraid that getting your job done might be in conflict with federal regulations demanding sociability at the workplace.

Last she checked, it wasn't. In spite of the fad for personal relations sessions and the pressure for office partying, it was all right to do some work, too.

You therefore have a highly legitimate excuse, which should spare you from having to hide in the bathroom. Say pleasantly but firmly, "Excuse me, I have to finish this before I can talk," and turn your attention back to your job.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a bridal shower that was given by a friend whom I've known for over 20 years, she asked us all to move to the kitchen/dining area for cake and drinks after the bride had opened the presents. Spots at the kitchen counter were taken by others, so I had no place to put my glass of water while I ate my cake, standing up. I put my water glass on the dining table from which the cake was served.

My friend, the hostess, came up behind me, and said, "Is that your glass?" When I answered yes she said, "I'm going to have to ask you to move your glass and put it somewhere else. This tablecloth was handmade by my grandmother many years ago, and I don't want anything to happen to it."

I felt her terminology "I'm going to have to ask you to move your glass..." was rude, and made me feel that I had done something wrong. I recalled you stating that "If it's too valuable or precious for your guests to use, then don't use it when you have guests."

Yet I apologized, and picked up the glass. Was I wrong to feel insulted? Should I have said something else, instead of apologizing?

GENTLE READER: Because Miss Manners agrees that your friend was rude, are you going to regret that you weren't rude, too?

When she tells you that you were right to feel insulted at being told to refrain from using her dining table when eating, are you going to interpret that to mean that you should have snapped back, "Who's going to make me, you or your grandmother?"

A social apology is not an admission of legal guilt, but a way of defusing tension. You could have made yours coldly, but Miss Manners is glad that you made it.

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A depressed economy followed by the national crisis somehow led to the discovery that it is possible to consume an entire meal at home, sitting down at a real table as if one were dining out. Some have thought of using this as a way to entertain friends.

Naturally, this is confusing to people who have come to believe that restaurant manners are the last word in sophistication, but never bothered with how to eat at home, let alone at someone else's. Whatever grace and dexterity they learned in order to elicit favorable judgments from the hired help at restaurants would be wasted on their families, they figured.

Restaurant manners are actually a spin-off from those that are supposed to be used privately, not the other way around, Miss Manners is afraid, and it is the private ones that are of a higher standard. No restaurant, no matter how fancy, can get away from the compromises that must be made because of the unpredictable and commercial nature of the business.

Miss Manners is prepared to help people make the transition by addressing some of the most common problems for those who are asked to go to their friends' houses to eat, rather than to meet them somewhere.

Q: How do I make a reservation, or is that necessary?

A: It is necessary, but you can't. You have to wait for them to call you.

Q: That's awfully exclusive, isn't it? But what if I don't know how many will be in my party?

A: It isn't your party. Only people who are asked by name can attend.

Q: How late can I cancel without a penalty?

A: Once you accept, you can never cancel.

Q: What do you mean, never? Suppose I change my mind? Suppose I get run over by a truck?

A: If you change your mind after accepting, you still have to go. It's true that you can arrange to be excused by being run over by a truck, but then you have to send a letter of apology, preferably accompanied by flowers.

Q: Is there a dress code?

A: Yes, and no one will tell you what it is. Inquiries will bring such non-guidance as "Oh, it doesn't matter" or "Just be comfortable," and the word "casual" has as many possible meanings as the number of people who so casually toss it in for every occasion.

Q: If I show up on time, will I be seated right away, or might I be told to get a drink until my table is ready?

A: You must show up on time, but you will still be given a drink elsewhere before being taken to the table.

Q: Is it all right to let them know after I arrive what I want to eat, or is it necessary to order in advance?

A: There is a fixed menu, no substitutes and no choices.

Q: Suppose I don't like it?

A: OK, there is a choice: Take it or leave it.

Q: I'm very particular about wine. Can I bring my own?

A: You can bring it and hand it over, but you may never see it again. It will be considered a present, and is not likely to be served unless it happens to go with the menu and you have brought enough for everyone.

Q: How do I settle the bill?

A: By being charming and grateful and issuing a return invitation.

Q: Except for that, it's free?

A: Not of the need to be polite.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When entering my Episcopal Church, we have traditionally knelt in silent prayer and kept quiet before the service starts. Recently it sounds more like a cocktail party than a sanctuary.

A whispered "good morning" I can accept, but I was recently subjected to details ranging from what was cooking at home to a thoroughly explicit medical report of the innards of the man behind me, plus his home improvement project.

This seems to be happening all over the country. At my niece's church, ballet performances are part of the service. A friend hears business contracts all but signed, sealed and delivered while waiting to worship.

Good Lord, deliver us.

GENTLE READER: First, He is going to have to get the churchgoers' attention. Miss Manners would think that the clergy might feel obliged to point out to those who consider their churches to be social, entertainment and business centers that occasionally someone does go there to pray.

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