DEAR MISS MANNERS: My youngest daughter is getting married in her fiance's folks' state, with them giving $2,000 toward the wedding expenses and my daughter and her fiance spending $5,000. She has a wonderful job, working for a national congressman, and her groom is a rising software salesman.

My husband and I are in our mid-70s and on a limited income. My daughter said the night she told me about the engagement, "Mom, all you have to do is come."

The trip will be relatively expensive, but I feel we should do something. Could you give me some ideas?

GENTLE READER: Having heard from countless brides demanding that their parents owe them expensive weddings, whether they can afford it or not, and from desperate parents who are cowed into agreeing, Miss Manners' ideas for you are

-- Cherish that daughter.

-- Have a glorious time at her wedding.

-- Tell her in-laws how beautiful everything is, and how grateful you are, not just for the wedding, but that your daughter has married into such a lovely family.

-- Give her and her bridegroom a present of something that has sentimental meaning to the family -- an old possession or photograph, for example -- because they will appreciate it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In the locale next to our business is a credit union whose ATM machine is very busy all the time. I can't understand why people line up in front of our store instead of in front of the bank to use the machine, even if the bank opens and closes earlier than we do. But this is bearable.

What frustrates us the most is that some of the people use our windows to write their deposit slips, leaving fingerprints and smudges all over. When I go outside and ask them nicely to please not use our windows to write, they become very upset and sometimes belligerent. I even offer to let them come inside and use our counter and enjoy the air-conditioner or heating, but they refuse and even get rude.

I would not dare go to someone's house and put my hands all over their windows. Why do they think it is acceptable to do it on someone's else property? I find it rude and very impolite. Because of the size of the windows, we have to pay to have them washed, and when someone comes right after and gets them dirty again, it is frustrating. What would be the best approach to make them understand that it is not acceptable?

GENTLE READER: As you already know, telling them doesn't make an impression. They don't even understand that your business and the bank are two different establishments, Miss Manners is afraid.

True, they don't just shove money at you and ask you to hold onto it until they need it. But the idea that although the bank has no place for them to write, the window is another business's property is never going to register. Miss Manners does not pretend to know anything about advertising or salesmanship, but if she were you, she would be handing out pieces of cardboard stiff enough to write on, and bearing information about where some of that money can be spent.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband of 32 years is a true gentleman whose speech is as gentle as his mannerisms. He is helpful and pays full attention to everyone he encounters. He treats men at his workplace with understanding and respect, and he treats the women as gently as one would respond to a delicate child.

Is it proper for the women to hug him, telephone him, write him, invite him to their rooms and request constant assistance from him?

At first, these women disturbed me by these actions. I confronted him, but he didn't understand my reason for being upset. I've never called a married man for help, nor called him at his office just to chat. I'm not sure they would treat him that chummily in front of their husbands.

I'd like to slap them or run over them with my car, but I don't feel that would be proper. At the moment, I treat them civilly. I have to consider my husband's place at work. Do you have any advice for me?

GENTLE READER: Why yes, Miss Manners has three pieces of advice.

1. Do not -- repeat, not -- go around slapping your husband's business associates. You will only demonstrate that such a nice gentleman is in desperate need of being rescued from a wife who is, to say the least, no lady.

2. Do not run them over with your car. They will feel obliged to comfort your husband in his loneliness while you serve your sentence.

3. Do not be disturbed by the actions of these ladies. They may be merely appreciatively astonished at his gentle manners, and responding with the only well-intentioned manners they know, the manners of chumminess.

You know, and Miss Manners knows, that these are not proper business manners, which should distinguish between the personal and the professional relationship. Your husband knows, too, which is why he does not seem to have succumbed to using them himself.

But he must also know that since workplace manners were reduced to the point where the only choices are Mean and Nice, such chumminess can exist without the least element of romantic intention. Presuming he is the true gentleman you say he is, you should not insult him by questioning his judgment.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are frequently asked out by people with whom we'd rather not socialize, for example, the parents of our children's friends. They may say, "We should get together; how about drinks?" or "Come on over and we can chat while the kids play."

We have made excuses or have begrudgingly gone, but the truth is we would rather stay home or socialize with old friends. What I really want to say is, "We won't ever be able to come over, because we just don't want to." Do you have a tactful way of telling people that you'd rather not spend your time with them?

GENTLE READER: Generalized busyness, over-used as it is, is the way to make a blanket refusal: "Thank you, but we're so ridiculously behind just now, we just can't take the time. You're so nice to ask us."

Miss Manners urges you, nevertheless, to consider occasionally finding small social moments with your children's friends' parents -- going by early to pick up your children, for example, or lingering with them at an event. This softens your refusal. More importantly to you, perhaps, it establishes some rapport. When the children are older and out together later than they were supposed to be, you may find you have more in common with these people than you thought.

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It's been quiet in the old neighborhood since the rock band next door moved away. Miss Manners, who always hoped they would go on to fame and fortune sooner rather than later, wished them well and was sorry to hear that such had not come to pass.

She would have felt dreadful had she in any way contributed to their musical demise. But it appeared that the sole responsibility for that went to rock fans.

The contrary is true, according to the band member who went on to what only journalists such as he and she think of as glory, namely a career as a critic. He credits her with "saying the nicest thing anyone has ever uttered about the group: 'Turn it down, please.'"

There were other things she might have said. Miss Manners' household and visitors, whose hearing has been ruined by listening to opera to the point where they can't appreciate amplification, were full of suggestions:

"Call the police."

"Burn the house down."

"Wagner. At full pitch. Until they scream for mercy."

Aside from that last cruel threat, this is the sort of solution Miss Manners hears all the time from Gentle Readers who are bothered by neighborhood noise, dogs, leaves, children and competition for parking space. They have qualms about their fantasies of retaliation, or they wouldn't write to her for alternatives, but they confess that those would give them the satisfaction they crave.

She understands. Polite is not the opposite of human. Just because Miss Manners behaves perfectly, it doesn't mean that she is untroubled by temptation.

The greatest temptation arrived by chance, when police arrived of their own accord as Miss Manners was entertaining guests at dinner, and reported that the house next door had been robbed in the tenants' absence. The locks had been broken, and instructions were left for the returning tenants not to investigate, but to call the police from Miss Manners' house.

"Now's our chance," the guests said, more or less in unison, after the police had departed the neighborhood. "Let's all go over, quick, and throw out all the instruments. They'll think it was the robbers."

To the disappointment of all, Miss Manners refused to grab her shawl and lead them grandly into larceny. Etiquette has ways of settling things that are less fun but more effective. Its policy, like that of any sensible government, is to try diplomacy before declaring war.

And, indeed, that was what worked. Rather than mount a hostile attack, she left a note with that simple request and the hope that it would not be too much of an inconvenience.

They turned out to be people of good will, as Miss Manners suspects most neighbors are. It is being subjected to major reprisals for annoyances they may not be aware of causing that causes them to behave as badly -- well, as badly as the counter-attackers did on purpose.

In this case, accommodations were reached, and everyone lived in peace; when they left, Miss Manners was sorry to see them go.

The house is now occupied by people with similar musical tastes, but whose neighborliness taught even Miss Manners a lesson. Before giving the occasional party, they always leave her a note with their telephone number and instructions to please call if the noise disturbs her.

Miss Manners does not call. She prefers to bask in the idea that such nice people are enjoying themselves. And she is busy in her own house, insisting that the Valkyrie turn it down, please.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While we were enjoying the hot tub with my friends, the host introduced us to new neighbors who joined us. They then proceeded to complain about life in general, especially how people with physical disabilities shouldn't be allowed in their expensive health club because they are a turnoff.

The silence was deadly when I asked to be lifted from the hot tub because of both legs being paralyzed. My wife left in tears.

Should the host have told her neighbors of my condition, or should I have interrupted her by saying I am handicapped?

GENTLE READER: What should have happened here is that the neighbors, and not your wife, should have gone home in tears.

Otherwise, Miss Manners cannot see how this unfortunate event could have been prevented. To "warn" someone of your disability would be insulting to any decent person, which presumably your host had no inkling that his neighbor is not. And you made the point more effectively than by simply saying so.

Miss Manners is deeply sorry that you were embarrassed, but hopeful that everyone else present learned from the incident.

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