DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work as a supervisor in a federal government agency. Through our excellent and infallible sensitivity training, I have learned that as a white male from Appalachia with a Southern accent and German heritage in excellent mental and physical health, I am perceived as a "racist, prejudiced, ignorant, hillbilly oppressor" by my very existence. I also learned that all my subordinates and most of my co-workers are also members of one or more "victim" groups that I have the potential to offend.

In order to avoid offending our more sensitive employees and minimize legal liability, I have been professionally and legally counseled that I should avoid using words such as "man," "woman," "please," "thank you," "I'm sorry," "excuse me," "unmotivated," "late for work," "absent," or especially the use of any color word.

I must also avoid any reference to any illness, disability, or body parts. It seems that my mere utterance of such words might inflict painful memories from hundreds and/or thousands of years of oppression and create, in the minds of these employees, an unpleasant and illegal work environment.

I am prohibited from complimenting anyone on their attire or commenting that someone appears ill or may have a problem that requires empathy or sympathy. For example, if an employee is late (or chooses not to appear at work at all), I should realize that either they have a protected mental/physical illness and/or have a culture where timeliness or work ethic is not important. In fact, if my mere existence as an oppressor creates the perception of an inappropriate work climate in their minds, I can be punished. I can also be punished if they believe I am thinking hurtful, incorrect, or illegal thoughts.

Negative comments can be seen as hurtful or stereotypically prejudiced, too. Since praise and compliments are also illegal if the aggrieved party believes I am insincere, I have been professionally and legally counseled never to make comments that are either positive or negative, lest the person hewing them perceives them the wrong way. I was advised to avoid speaking to all employees and coldly ignore everyone.

It is particularly difficult to inconspicuously avoid the multi-hour luncheons, personal telephone calls, and endless hallway chitchat occurring each day in our government office. Even so, I stopped attending all such office social events so my existence would not offend our more sensitive employees. I now communicate only via memos and e-mails behind my closed office door. By offending everyone equally, I have a legal defense when I am sued because my existence as an oppressor created unpleasant thoughts for someone.

In effect, I have been directed to be terribly rude to everyone so no member of a victim group will feel that they are being treated more rudely than someone else is.

I would never dream to ask Miss Manners' permission to be rude. I would appreciate, however, suggestions for mitigating perceptions of rudeness in my politically correct work environment -- at least until I can retire from this living hell and once again use the common-sense manners that Miss Manners exhorts us to uphold.

P.S. Please excuse me for anonymously typewriting this on a word processor. My agency has handwriting analysis experts, can test for DNA, and has an established record of punishing "whistle blowers" and even innocent citizens.

GENTLE READER: Please excuse Miss Manners for hoping that you have a penchant for hyperbole. She despises that callous process now called "sensitizing," but can it be as bad as all that? Were you really told not to talk to anyone, or were you told that unless you learn to talk politely, it would be better not to say anything?

Politeness in a professional setting is different from social politeness, and can even be the opposite. Socially, it is rude to criticize people; at the work place, it may be a necessity. Professionally, it is rude to mention people's personal attractiveness; socially, it might be a necessity.

Miss Manners begs you to attempt to maintain a cheerful distance from your co-workers, neither indulging in personal conversation and jokes as you would with friends, nor snubbing them. If this does not meet the requirement, and if you were really enjoined to refrain from saying "please," then she begs you to blow the whistle.

:

"I found my old silver pusher," said a gentleman of Miss Manners' acquaintance with an air of nostalgic fondness.

In Miss Manners' set, no one would think he was referring to his high school drug provider, and musing that one so young and reckless had now grown slow and gray.

That is because we all had pushers, at least those of us born after 1870 in households that were on the silver standard. Such is the approximate date when parents -- or nannies, who maintained a higher sense of propriety -- got good and sick of wiping small-but-surreptitious fingers that had slipped into the mashed peas when no one was looking, desperately trying to pat them down onto a fork or spoon so that they would look to the censorious eye as if they had been delicately scooped into that position, untouched by baby hands.

From that sordid scenario, you will understand that the pusher is an advanced instrument, perhaps worthy of a new lease on life, as Miss Manners' friend went on to suggest.

But first, some background for the more enterprising souls among us, those who had to earn the silver spoons with which they were born:

The infant silver trousseau starts with a small spoon that has an elongated handle, intended to be wielded by someone more responsible than the person who contributes the initials it bears and the target at which it is aimed. The unpleasantness of receiving unexpected food deliveries, especially if accompanied by musical games, is intended to provide the motive for moving onto the next item.

This is also a spoon, but one with a short handle, curved to allow its owner to wrap a fist around it. The spoon has several purposes, only one of which passes the strictest standard of juvenile etiquette. No, children, Miss Manners is not referring to the jail-riot technique of producing a satisfactory noise by banging the implement against the feeding tray. Nor should it be used to play at airlifting food to imaginary refugees. The correct idea is for the feeder to conduct the food into his very own mouth.

Once this is mastered, a small fork is added. People who employ live-in help, such as parents, to cut up their food for them should then be fully equipped to capture whatever finds its way onto their plates.

It is one of life's humbling experiences to discover that they are not. Many food items refuse to cooperate, and either start running in circles around the plate, or employ the protest tactic of dissolving into a mushy heap.

This is why the pusher was invented. As firmly as a snow plow, it moves things along to where one wants them.

"It occurred to me," said the gentleman of Miss Manners' acquaintance, "that one might have an adult pusher made with a long handle -- for people at the other end of life. I loved my pusher. It was so efficient."

It is an idea to which she might be receptive. Adult fingers have been known to find their unauthorized way into elusive adult food, and this is not a pretty sight.

Then came the big question: "But which side of the plate would it go on?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I learned that the wife of a former professor of mine died, and I plan to write a letter of condolence. I have not been in touch with the professor for a number of years, and I did not know the wife well, although I had met her.

Would it be appropriate to add to the letter a paragraph about what I have been doing? Or would that be disrespectful, since the main message is one of condolence?

GENTLE READER: The main message is one of condolence, Miss Manners agrees, but there is nothing wrong with a secondary message of comfort to the bereaved.

From a student to a professor, that message should be gratitude. So anything along the lines of "I think of your wisdom often, now that I am..." (whatever you are now doing) would be good. Anything about how the bad grade he gave you that didn't stop you from earning more per year than he will see in a lifetime would be disrespectful.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my husband and I used an 800 number to make reservations for a one-night stay at an out-of-town hotel, our arrival date was somehow misrecorded at the actual hotel. We found on arrival that we had no reservation, although the people at the 800 number did have the correct date.

When I pointed out the error to the hotel employee, who I assume is a representative for that establishment, I used the pronoun "you," meaning the hotel. In a diatribe lasting in excess of five minutes, she repeated that she personally had not caused my problem. She made no effort to help us in finding alternate accommodations.

It appears to me that this response is becoming more and more common among employees. Things of this sort have happened before, but I was treated with courtesy, and an attempt was made to assist me. Also, apologies were made on the part of the management.

Was I wrong to expect such a response on the part of this employee?

GENTLE READER: Wrong, as in you are not likely to get it? Or wrong as in how dare you unload your complaint on an innocent person just because she happened to be standing in the wrong place (the desk where customers are supposed to take their problems) at the wrong time (when you, a customer, have a problem)?

A weary "yes" to the first question, Miss Manners is afraid, but a hearty "no" to the second.

The problem here is a failure to understand professional manners. People who have been taught that the most important thing is to be themselves -- those are the ones who are always carrying on about their identity problems -- have trouble assuming even such a simple professional role as the representative of the company that employs them. Hence they see you as the kindergarten teacher who punishes the wrong child, or the whole class, for what another child did.

Miss Manners suggests taking your complaint up high enough until you find someone who understands how to do business.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the correct thing to do when people are obviously avoiding you? We gave a party last month when I finally got my degree. (I am 50.) I hoped my friends would celebrate with me. Well, almost a third never replied and didn't come.

This was crushing, though some called and apologized. But others are avoiding me, I suppose because they're embarrassed. Their behavior makes me want to avoid them, too. I was at a function this week for two hours with a woman who managed to never notice I was there. What should I do in this awkward situation?

GENTLE READER: Walk up to her and say, "I'm so sorry we didn't see you at our party. We were afraid there might be something wrong, because we never heard from you. I'm glad you're all right, but we missed you."

Miss Manners assures you that this is the gracious way to teach people that attempting to avoid embarrassment by compounding their rudeness with even greater rudeness is not a useful tactic.

: