Are football fans mature enough to be allowed to go wild?

Perhaps you have trouble believing that Miss Manners would be acquainted with the appeal of being in the midst of an exuberant and opinionated crowd that is expressing itself with uninhibited fury one minute and unrestrained glee the next.

Perhaps you have never been to the opera.

As a survivor of many an opera house fracas, where cast substitutions, scores with the effrontery to be younger than the patrons, and a mixture of fans with divided loyalties have been known to whip audiences into frenzies, she could teach the football crowd a thing or two.

Somebody should. They are not behaving at all well. Imagine throwing plastic beer bottles onto the field just because they disagreed with a decision! You don't find opera buffs throwing their plastic champagne glasses onto the stage just because they disagree with an interpretation, do you?

Of course not. Opera house management is smart enough to take these things away from them before they enter the auditorium. It knows better than to arm them with anything more lethal than a rolled up program.

Football management is apparently more easily intimidated. There was some unattractive waffling going on over whether the beer bottles were a symbolic representation of the deep emotional attachment that the throwers have, not only to their own team, but to the rules of the game and to the concept of fairness itself. Or whether they represented beer bottles being thrown at people on the field, as in hey -- don't you realize that could hurt someone?

It took awhile before it was acknowledged that, yes, the throwers realized that. That was why they threw them.

What none of them, fans or management, apparently realizes is that while some venues and occasions appear to allow a great deal of leeway in tolerating manners that would be unacceptable elsewhere -- which naturally serves as a tremendous attraction -- there can be no such thing as a totally etiquette-free zone.

Football has its strict rules, as do all sports, or they wouldn't be recognizable as sports. Music has its rules, sometimes more apparent in the audience than in the performance; anyone who has had the nerve to cough soon discovers that. Even warfare has its rules, deeming certain tactics, weapons and forms of carnage to be beyond its limits.

These do not exist for their own sake, but to allow the activity to continue -- as sports could not if the players freely bashed one another or the fans littered the field, and performances could not if they could not be heard. That the lack of rules might put an end to warfare is not exactly threatening, Miss Manners acknowledges, although it is in the case of bans on nuclear weapons.

The difficulty, naturally, is in enforcement. Policing can do only so much, especially in large, volatile crowds. It is also necessary for the participants themselves to accept the fact that manners can operate at different levels for different occasions, rather than their being either on or off. There is no off button.

How does one do that?

Historically and presently, music manners have been forcibly taught to audiences by highly respected, even venerated, musicians who made clear their contempt for out-of-bounds behavior and refused to play for badly behaved audiences.

It's called using role models. Does the sports world, populated by nothing but role models, think the only people theirs can impress are little kids?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is a practical and "proper" way for a doctor to respond when a patient, or in my case, a parent of a patient, initiates a cell phone call, responds to a ring, or continues a cell phone conversation while I'm in the exam room? I'm sure neither physical violence nor a lecture on manners is in order.

GENTLE READER: The last Miss Manners checked, the Hippocratic Oath precluded doctors' using violence to teach their patients manners.

So, for that matter, does the Etiquatic oath.

What you can do is stop the examination and use the time to take or return your own telephone calls, something Miss Manners trusts you would never do while seeing a polite patient. If you are challenged, you should reply that you are waiting until the patient or parent was free to pay attention to the examination.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: So far, the only point of contention for my daughter's wedding is the seating arrangement for the dinner reception. Instead of sitting with her attendants at the parents' table, she insists on a "sweetheart table," one where just the bride and groom sit.

I've been at a few weddings where this was done. Frankly the bride and groom looked silly sitting by themselves. However, my daughter thinks this is "romantic."

Speaking of trends, almost every bride these days, even at high noon, wears a strapless gown. My daughter is getting married in the evening, but she wanted something with sleeves. She found something, but not without difficulty.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is constantly amazed at the amount of creative effort people put into weddings. She wishes they would stop.

Isolation and straplessness are both bad ideas. Ignoring the guests the couple invited to their wedding to be alone together is rude. Dressing for the ceremony as if it were a ball (as opposed to wearing a modest wedding dress and shedding the sleeved part for the party) is frivolous. A wedding is romantic, not to say sexy, by definition, and crude attempts to emphasize this have the effect of detracting from it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Of all the gewgaws invented in our modern language that people readily take into their daily usage, I don't think any competes with the words many use to conclude a phone conversation: "I'll have to let you go now."

Invariably, this is said by the person instigating the call, so the person called has the option of various interpretations, i.e.:

1. "I'm sick and tired of listening to you so hang up!"

2. "I've spent quite enough money on this phone call, so shut up!"

3. "Stop talking for heaven's sake, and let me do something worthwhile."

Almost any words to end a phone conversation would be more palatable. "There's someone at the door," "My timer just went off on the oven," or "I have to let my dog out" would all be kinder. Anything you can say to get this phrase erased from phone lines would improve the air. "I'm gonna let you go now" is just like a slap in the face.

GENTLE READER: Could Miss Manners persuade you to go back to picking on the misuse of "hopefully"? Or "loan" used as a verb instead of "lend"?

It so happens that she finds "I'll let you go now" to be a rare example of a new conventional phrase -- a fresh clichC if you will -- that serves a hitherto neglected polite purpose.

What she hears in it are not the insults you suggest, but an acknowledgment that one has chattered long enough at someone whose time is important.

This is in contrast to the I Think I Hear My Mother Calling Me sort of excuse you recommend, in which the emphasis is on one's own commitments. Besides, those may bring on an even more dreaded phrase: "Then I'll call you back later."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My problem may be of interest to other childless women who date divorced fathers.

We'd all agree, I suppose, that children should not have to meet and greet their dad's Flavor of the Week. The couple should wait until the relationship stabilizes. My problem is trying to keep a distance from these kids during the nonserious era, without being rude.

Situations often arise where the kids and I will be thrown together unless someone moves away. My dad-dates appear offended by my doing so, as if I am rejecting their kids, or perhaps them by extension.

And I certainly get offended by orders to back off, as if given half a chance I'd sneak in and audition for the role of stepmother. Whether I say, "I don't think I should be meeting them yet," or he says it, someone will feel hurt. Should I just try to flee the situation without saying why?

Frankly, I think it is kinder for me to offer to absent myself than for him to tell me to get lost, but I am trying to focus on people other than the grown-ups and their self-protective measures.

GENTLE READER: Somewhere around here, Miss Manners must still have the manners for meeting the parents of one's, ah, honey. If she changes "honey" to "flavor," will those do?

She supposes not. The circumstances are too different. People actually give some weight to the opinions their children form about their romantic prospects.

Miss Manners is glad that you do, too, and urges you to assume that so do the fathers -- who are in a better position to know what is best for these particular children at this particular time than a lady who has never met them.

If they are in the stage of fearing that every lady their father meets is going to take him away from them, his reluctance would be understandable and you should not take it personally. Nor should you over-interpret a suggestion that you should meet. Perhaps the children are more afraid of a mystery lady and would feel reassured to meet her.

Miss Manners agrees that children should not be involved in a parent's romance until it is likely to affect their daily lives, but she believes they should get to know their parents' friends. And a friend is what you are (Miss Manners prefers to skip the ice cream category) and should insist on appearing to be in front of the children. True, children are no fools, but you need not provide evidence to the contrary.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I sometimes need to telephone a "support staff" for assistance on the operation of my computer and other technologically advanced pieces of equipment in my home. The person taking my call invariably requires, before serving me, that I give my first name, which is then used in an apparent attempt to create a sense of intimacy between us.

Although put off by such a request from an individual utterly unknown to me, as well as often two generations younger than I, I feel pressured to acquiesce for fear that I will be denied the information which only that company can provide me. I would appreciate advice on handling this situation.

GENTLE READER: Let us imagine that the young person who helps you has been doing so for years, carefully addressing you as Mister and Sir. Implausible, Miss Manners knows, but bear with her for the sake of argument.

One day, overcome by the bond that has grown, you might say impulsively, "I'd be very pleased if you would call me Horace." Your tone of voice would show that you meant it as a compliment.

Okay, now use that tone to say, "I would be very pleased if you would call me Mr. Sleeks."

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