DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been invited to two weddings two months apart. The grooms are brothers and very close to our family. The dilemma is I will be 5-1/2 months pregnant at the first, and 7-1/2 months pregnant at the second, and these are very formal weddings requiring evening wear. Unfortunately, they don't make a huge selection of formal maternity wear.

My question is twofold: Is it considered taboo for me to wear the same dress to these weddings? Is it OK to wear black to weddings now?

GENTLE READER: The answer is also twofold, but first Miss Manners has to iron out your questions. They are regrettably lumpy because you have folded them wrong.

One part of your query is about symbolism. Black is the traditional color of mourning, so the ban on wearing it on a happy occasion is a taboo -- a taboo that ladies have been breaking right, left and sideways, she might add.

However, the justification for doing so -- that black has long since lost its association with tragedy -- was given the lie in the aftermath of Sept. 11. Suddenly, funerals were taken seriously, and those attending services and memorials for the victims showed up wearing black instead of the sporty and colorful outfits that had become commonplace among people who had apparently saved their black clothes to wear to weddings.

Furthermore, fashion-conscious people started wearing black to balls, openings and other gala events to indicate that even when partying, they maintained a sober recollection of the national peril. It was hard to tell, because the fashion-conscious had been uniformly dressed in black for the previous decade, but they were not shy about pointing out that this black had a serious meaning. Evidently, the symbolism of black has not been forgotten, after all.

The other part of your query has to do with fashion. While fashion constantly demands novelty from ladies, etiquette does not. It does not mind how many times you wear the same dress. And while it disapproves of wearing black (or white or red) to a wedding, it trusts that you have the sense to solve the problem by throwing a colorful shawl over your black dress.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Frequently when my husband and I are dining out or drinking coffee out, people come up and stand and talk as long as 25 minutes, interrupting our meal as well as our talking. What is the appropriate time to say hello and goodbye?

My husband says this is fine; I say it is rude. Some of them we don't even know. Years ago, he was in baseball, way before my time. One man pulled up a chair and sat down. I was enraged. Tell me how to handle this.

GENTLE READER: There are two sets of rules in play here, but Miss Manners is not giving you a choice between them.

One has to do with restaurant visiting. You are quite right that this should be limited to a greeting -- hello and goodbye should not be separated by more than a sentence or two.

People who feel trapped at their tables, sadly watching their food or coffee turning cold, should say pleasantly but firmly, "Excuse us, please, we'll just finish our meal," adding, if the visitors are friends, "and we'll stop by your table on the way out."

The other manners have to do with spouse support. If yours attracts so many fans that eating out with him is a burden to you both, you could refrain from doing so, eat only in places where the management is used to protecting celebrities, or wear paper bags over your heads. However, if what you characterize as frequently is infrequent enough to give your husband pleasure that he is remembered, you should let him enjoy it.

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The urge to monogram anything that doesn't move is delightfully genteel, Miss Manners has always thought. What a pretty picture it is to think of all those nice young ladies spending their teen-age years flashing their needles as they put their own marks on the linens they will use after they marry.

The process has been somewhat speeded up, she has been given to understand. Young ladies who are flashing needles are now clapped into rehab, while others may be flashing something else. She has even heard tell that young ladies do not wait as long as they are supposed to in order to leave marks on linens.

Nevertheless, monogramming is still popular and perhaps even more useful.

For old traditionalists, waking up in monogrammed bed linen provides a clue to their identity. For nontraditionalists, Miss Manners supposes that it provides a clue as to the identity of anyone else in the immediate vicinity. This is not a perfect system, as monograms on sheets and blanket covers on a well-made bed would be upside down from the point of view of the sleeper, but it is better than asking.

Monograms on silver have the advantages of enabling the owners to identify any wandering forks they might re-encounter at the police station or on the dinner table of a former guest. These should also happily remind one of the ancestor who bequeathed them, either to oneself or to the intermediary owner who turned them in for cash via the antiques market.

Kindly souls who wipe away the tears of others, and unkindly souls, who cause tears in others, should have monogrammed handkerchiefs to hand over. This brings some dash to a situation otherwise lacking it. It also creates an emotional sequel, as the easily identifiable handkerchief remains with the sufferer. Should it be returned (duly laundered) with apologies and gratitude, a lachrymose combination that could start the cycle again? Or should it be kept as a souvenir?

Other good candidates for monogramming are paper, shirts, luggage, towels, the linings of coats and apparently just about anything else that will hold still long enough. Miss Manners has seen catalogues offering monogrammed chewing gum containers.

Perhaps she should set some limits.

Shall we say that there should be no more than one set of monograms visible at a time? So if you monogram the towels, you don't monogram the bathmat and the shower curtain and trace your initials on the steamed-up bathroom mirror. And if you monogram your shirt cuffs, you can't also have monograms on the cufflinks.

Household linens may be monogrammed with the maiden initials of the lady of the house, a custom dating from premarital monogramming that serves equally well for serial marriages. Couples who are tempted to entwine their initials should try to get it out of their system by carving their names together on a tree.

The standard style has the initial of the surname in the middle and the given names on either side, but this should not be attempted by those who have four or more initials. It is equally correct to put the surname larger on the right with preceding initials in a tower to the left, or to crowd them all into a little block, or to pile them on top of one another as if you were typing them and the keys had jammed.

They don't even have to be easily decipherable. However, the look of long hairs disappearing down the drain is not a happy one.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My older brother does not leave the house. He sleeps on the couch until after two in the afternoon. When he is awake, he finds it necessary to dominate anything that is going on. I find it impossible to find peace at home under these circumstances. I love my brother and do not want to be rude. What must I do?

GENTLE READER: Two things:

1. Refrain from saying, "Get a life!"

2. Help him get a life.

Miss Manners does not normally sully herself by digging around for root causes of rudeness. It would be pointless, as she doesn't accept them as excuses anyway. But even she recognizes that a young man who does nothing but stay home and nap is not a likely candidate for etiquette improvement.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Part of my job is to educate patients about caring for their own health. This country is experiencing a shortage of health care resources, and too many people use the ER as a family doctor, surrogate parent or hotel.

I make every effort to appreciate each person's circumstances and not condescend to anyone. However, listening to complaints about waiting too long for care -- when the patient's actions have often led to their condition and they take no responsibility for this or for using the ER inappropriately -- is a burden.

Regardless, we must be polite. The last thing we want is for anyone to feel unwelcome and not seek our help in an emergency. Of course, patients in doubt should come in to be seen. However, patients who have a cold or toothache would find continuity of care and less waiting time seeing a family doctor or at a walk-in clinic, freeing up the ER staff for critical patients.

Would you please suggest how these messages can be phrased in the most effective way?

1. Everyone is responsible for his or her own health. One cannot expect the doctor to override an unhealthy lifestyle.

2. The doctor prescribes treatment solely for the patient's benefit. Patients who don't follow their treatment can expect to stay sick.

3. The ER is for emergencies. Nonemergency patients are asked to be patient and to use their family doctor whenever possible. We'll help them find a doctor if needed.

4. Seeking treatment early on, before a problem gets serious, is always preferred, and does not make the patient a wimp.

5. Patients should ask questions until they understand what is going on. I'd rather spend five minutes on that today, instead of having them get worse later.

6. If an antibiotic is inappropriate, please don't think I'm uncaring. We have big problems caused by giving them when they're not necessary. I will give you other forms of treatment that will be more effective.

7. Car accident patients need not worry about appearing unclean. However, before coming in for a toothache (lasting all week) please make yourself presentable.

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