DEAR MISS MANNERS: About half of all those free return-address labels I get have my name preceded by "Mr." If someone wants to call me mister, that's fine, but I don't believe it's right to call myself that. Even if I did want to give myself an honorific, it wouldn't be mister, because I'm not a mister. I'm a Lt. Col., USAF-RET.

As a practicing conservationist who hates waste, it pains me to think of all the doctors, military people, women whose first names sound like men's, etc., (as well as real misters who don't believe it's right to give themselves a title) who are receiving and discarding millions of labels that call them mister.

It seems to me that if these large organizations don't have people on their staffs who know the proper forms of address, their printers should.

GENTLE READER: Indeed they should, because it is complicated, and Miss Manners is afraid that even you don't have it quite right. Please wait a moment while she struggles with herself about whether she should just let the point go, because you are erring on the right side and because she doesn't have a lot of emotion invested in address stickers.

As you point out, it is frightfully pretentious to call oneself mister, or, for that matter, colonel, in speech, as one's signature and (for everyone except Miss Manners) in any spoken or written reference one might make to oneself.

However, this does not apply to one's name as it is engraved or printed on personal cards or writing paper, where the convention is to use the formal name complete with honorific. Miss Manners makes a point of this because of the current error of issuing formal invitations, such as wedding invitations, with the honorifics omitted.

In your case, the question is moot, as your correct title was not used. Consider that it saves you the effort required to think of those little stickers aspiring to formality.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a co-worker's wedding, a brief note was included in the program given to all guests, saying, "In lieu of party favors, a donation has been made to St. Mary's Hospital in the name of the bride's grandmother."

I, of course, said nothing about this to anyone at the wedding, but I privately mentioned later to some friends who also attended the wedding that I thought this note was tacky. Party favors are something you give to your guests to thank them for attending your special day. Wouldn't it have been more appropriate to give a donation in lieu of asking guests to bring gifts?

My friends all gave the same reply: "Did you really want a stupid little party favor?" That, of course, is not the point. Your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: Your friends are not asking you the right question. Miss Manners' question is, Why do you feel stupid when your friends are telling you that they did you a favor?

The answer: Because you were surely not clamoring for party favors, which are more associated with children's birthday parties than with weddings, when they dangled one in front of you, whipped it away, and then preened themselves about being charitable for doing so.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please tell me if I have been a bad girl. I was ordering lunch at the counter of a local deli when a woman I had not noticed came up behind me after having left her sunglasses on a table on the way in to "claim" it for herself. I obtained my lunch and went to find a table to sit at.

There was only one empty one, and it had a pair of sunglasses laying on it. I sat down anyhow and started to eat. (Am I a bad girl yet?)

After a while, the woman came over and said, "Excuse me, but those are MY glasses!" So I said, "Oh, here," and handed them to her. (Now am I bad?)

Then she said, "Oh, I was saving this table for my party." And I said, "Oh, I would be glad to share the space with you, why don't you join me?" I was pretty nice in my tone and expression. Really. (Now am I bad?)

She insisted that the table was "hers," and I was not welcome there; I don't recall the exact words. At that point, I was suddenly angry, and I gave her a "look." (I was thinking that I would really enjoy beating her to a bloody pulp with my bare hands, and I feel that I am capable of doing so.) The "look" said it all. (Now I know I am bad!)

But she did leave after that, without any further argument. Was I rude, or just assertive?

GENTLE READER: Let's take another look at that look.

OK, your tongue seems to have stayed in your mouth, and your thumb was not resting against your nose. Your words and tone were civil, and your violent fantasies were kept under control. Miss Manners is sorry to disappoint your hopes of being a bad girl, but she only bans people from being rude, not from defending themselves.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a 50-year-old woman getting married for the second time in a fairly small ceremony (80) on a boat, but still in the traditional style. My father gave me away 31 years ago, at my first wedding, but I was thinking of having my eldest nephew give me away this time. He and I have always been very close, and I have no children.

Would this be proper? I don't want to hurt my father's feelings, and my mother thinks this is my father's job. I think that if he gave me gave me away once, I have already been given! Help!

GENTLE READER: Did he give you to your nephew? If not, what do you have in mind here? Giving everyone a turn?

Miss Manners is actually quite lenient about retaining the archaic custom that symbolizes the bride's leaving the protection of her father or guardian for that of her husband, now that the chances of its applying to today's bride are slight. Sentiment is sentiment, even if the bride left home long ago, already maintains a household with the bridegroom, and makes more money that he and her father do together.

Once given indeed ought to be enough, but if a second-time bride wishes to repeat it, under the guise of doing it right this time, Miss Manners will not be a spoiler. However, to keep the custom yet fire your father when he is prepared to try again is as silly as it is mean.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are a family of recent immigrants who have just received their permanent residency permits. While we came to the United States on a temporary assignment, we have grown to love this country and have every intention of staying. It is quite likely that we will become naturalized citizens in the future, but we are, at this moment, citizens of The Netherlands.

We were as shocked and outraged by the terrorist attacks on Sept. 11 as any American, and we would have liked to show our sympathy with the victims and our support of America by flying the stars and stripes.

It is my understanding, however, that one doesn't properly fly the flag of a nation of which one is not a citizen. So as not to offend anybody at a time of tragedy, we decided in the end to display only the Dutch flag at half-staff on the day that was declared a national day of mourning in The Netherlands. We did, however, wear red, white and blue, as those are also the Dutch national colors.

Can you tell us if we acted properly? We would appreciate your advice on proper flag etiquette for the future.

GENTLE READER: It is not uncommon for Miss Manners' Gentle Readers to ask for retroactive judgment on a problem they have already handled, with the explanation that the same situation might arise again. But your reference to future necessity made her blanch.

What you did was respectful to both the United States and your own country, although it is not improper to fly the American flag along with (although never lower than, and always to the right of) another country's flag, as is regularly done in honor of state visitors.

On extraordinary occasions, it is not improper to fly only another country's flag to indicate solidarity in time of crisis. Miss Manners hopes you will not have a future occasion to apply this rule.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a wedding of a distant relative, I had not had the honor of meeting his intended, and I went to the receiving line. When I introduced myself, she sneered and said, "I have heard about you; you work in a library. I know all I need to know about you!" And then she turned away.

As it happens I am administrating a major Internet delivery system at a well-known and respected institution. And I was dressed very well. I went back home and have not had anything to do with them since.

I am planning to buy a house this fall. When I have my housewarming party, must I invite them?

GENTLE READER: No, on several counts:

1. The person in question snubbed you, indicating that she does not want to know you socially.

2. One should avoid putting one's guests in the position of meeting a rude person.

3. A housewarming is not one of those formal occasions where you feel obliged to invite your relatives, regardless of their personal attributes.

However, if you go by this, Miss Manners may never know what on earth that insult meant. She is aware that people have a lot of silly notions about librarians, but hadn't thought any were so excitingly sinful as to inspire a direct cut.

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