DEAR MISS MANNERS: When our friends join us at any restaurant on a social evening, I find it awkward when they request separate checks. If we are close enough friends, why is this necessary? It seems to me that it evens out over time, one more or one less. Any clarification would be appealing.

GENTLE READER: Not necessarily. Miss Manners has heard tell of some truly unappealing clarifications taking place among friends who are close enough to go together for dinner at a restaurant.

Such as "But you had two desserts."

And "Don't you think 20 percent is a bit excessive?"

And "But you drank twice as much."

And "Don't you think 10 percent is a bit stingy?"

And "I want it all on my card because I need the frequent flyer points."

And "I want it on mine, because I'm going to claim it as a deduction."

In contrast, she feels that "Let's put this on separate checks" is downright friendly.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a single woman, and my best friend's husband does not like me.

We have been friends for more than 20 years. There has never been any kind of run-in or scene or argument with my friend's husband -- he apparently just does not like me. My friend and I have surmised that he is insecure and feels threatened by our friendship.

In any event, I always try to include him when there is something my friend and I are planning that might interest him, such as concerts or other outings. He rarely attends and only if other couples, i.e., men, are present.

Recently I had a catered dinner party for several people at a local restaurant, something very special and unusual for me to do. I sent an invitation addressed to my friend and her husband. When she responded, she said that her husband would not come because one of the other guests was her ex-husband. Now, she has been divorced from the ex-husband for 15 years, and there was no overlap or history of any kind between first and second husbands. His reason for declining was "he didn't want to put himself through that."

Miss Manners, am I wrong to be hurt and insulted by his refusal? I believe the excuse to be totally transparent and just another way to put me down. At this point I never want to see him again, and it is hard to be civil when my friend even talks about him. Your thoughts, please.

GENTLE READER: Do you think you could manage to be only mildly hurt?

Your friend's husband doesn't want to put you down. On the contrary, he is going to great lengths to devise cover stories to avoid this, even if you find them clumsy.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a birthday party for my friend, I had a pot luck luncheon for a group of friends, all retired, who sew together. I placed the entrees on a buffet table and put the desserts, including a hand-sculpted cake, in the refrigerator. My cobbler came out of the oven, so I had to place it on the dessert table to cool.

One woman jumped up and said, "Oh, I'm just eating dessert." Everyone was still eating entrees, and I explained that I intended to serve the cobbler with a sauce after "Happy Birthday" was sung and candles were blown out.

She went to the table and dug into the cobbler, and she was joined by several others. I said sharply, "Please wait for everyone," but they ignored me, so I removed the cobbler. They say that I was rude. What do you say?

GENTLE READER: To guests who ignore their hostess' plans and requests in order to snatch at the dessert early? To hostesses who snatch away food while their guests are eating it?

Miss Manners can only hope that it was your friend's third birthday you were celebrating, and that you will all have learned rudimentary party manners before she turns 4.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I hold a very responsible and visible position in the community, have served on countless boards, been involved in many fund-raising ventures for nonprofits and must attend many events because of my job responsibilities. I have a difficult strain of rheumatoid arthritis and need a wheelchair to get around.

Many of these meetings, parties and social gatherings take place, as you know, in private homes. Most, if not 99 percent of these homes are inaccessible to users of wheelchairs, walkers or crutches.

Of course, most hosts will and have offered to carry me into their homes, but this is demeaning, even though unintentional. Bathrooms and hallways are not accessible, and by law, they are not required or expected to be. Fortunately, accommodations can easily be made.

If I'm invited, should I accept and then enlighten my host to the availability of new, cheap and portable ramps (which can be rented for as little as $15)? Or should I just refuse with no explanation? Or should I refuse with an explanation that may hurt feelings or cause the host to feel guilty? How would you handle this dilemma if you were a wheelchair user or host?

GENTLE READER: In a responsible and visible way. Which is to say that Miss Manners does not consider mysterious absences or assumptions about spreading guilt to be helpful, much less enlightening.

She asks you to consider how you would handle things if the meeting were proposed at a location where parking is difficult. Surely you -- and everybody else -- would say, "Fine, but what do we do about parking?" The host might propose a solution, or might concede that it would be more convenient to meet elsewhere, but no one is likely to be nursing hurt feelings.

She asks you to stop hedging and to say pleasantly and regretfully, "I'd really like to be there, but I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to get in unless you want to go to the trouble of renting a ramp," and to decline any offers to carry you with a simple, "Thanks, but I really don't like to do that."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend's husband has the habit of answering our telephone when visiting us, sometimes to regrettable effect. Once he answered immediately prior to my husband's surprise birthday party, before I had a chance to hush the excited guest, and my husband, on the other end of the line, was sadly tipped off to the surprise.

Last night, he answered while I was outside chatting with my friend. He mentioned that "some idiot" had called with the wrong number. It turns out he was rather rude to our housepainter, whose first language is not English. Needless to say, I had some explaining to do later to this lovely man.

What exactly is the rule on answering the phone in another's house? I realize one should never be rude, but what are the guidelines? And how do I discourage him from doing this again?

GENTLE READER: The rule is that all a guest may do about a ringing telephone is to call out to the host, "Do you want me to get that?" or to say "I left this number, so that might be for me," and let the host decide who should answer.

The guidelines are that the host is indeed banned from being rude, but not from self-protection.

May Miss Manners safely assume that you have already tried the obvious? Such as saying "I appreciate your wanting to help, but please don't answer the telephone -- I prefer to let it ring" (or "the answering machine will take it")?

If that hasn't worked, you know this is not someone who was being inadvertently rude under the mistaken notion that he was doing you a favor. You should take measures to stop him before he thinks of doing you a favor by opening your mail.

The next step is from etiquette's unlikely friend, technology. Turn off the ringer. Set the answering machine to answer on one ring. Unplug the telephone. Whatever it takes.

Yes, of course, Miss Manners realizes that your busybody guest will discover this and point it out to you. That gives you another opportunity to explain that this is because you prefer handling your calls yourself after your guests have gone.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Help! What do I say to people when they say to me, often in a very loud voice, "My, have you lost a lot of weight!" Actually, I am at an all time high, weight-wise. I am stunned by people who feel they can comment on my personal appearance in an obviously false manner. I would never comment in a way to highlight their faults. I was surprised to find that friends had the same problem and were also struck by how hurtful it was.

GENTLE READER: "Thank you, you're so kind to worry about me, but I'm fine." The trick here is to refuse to say anything more about a subject that is not their concern ("you're so kind to worry about me" being polite-speak for "mind-your-own-business"). Even Miss Manners was tempted to suggest adding, "as a matter of fact, I've been maintaining my weight nicely," until she realized that that, too, could be considered an opening.

Instead, you should be closing off ignorant evaluations with the chilling hint that weight is a more complicated matter than indicated by the assumption that thin is always better.

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