DEAR MISS MANNERS: When our friends join us at any restaurant on a social evening, I find it awkward when they request separate checks. If we are close enough friends, why is this necessary? It seems to me that it evens out over time, one more or one less. Any clarification would be appealing.
GENTLE READER: Not necessarily. Miss Manners has heard tell of some truly unappealing clarifications taking place among friends who are close enough to go together for dinner at a restaurant.
Such as "But you had two desserts."
And "Don't you think 20 percent is a bit excessive?"
And "But you drank twice as much."
And "Don't you think 10 percent is a bit stingy?"
And "I want it all on my card because I need the frequent flyer points."
And "I want it on mine, because I'm going to claim it as a deduction."
In contrast, she feels that "Let's put this on separate checks" is downright friendly.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a single woman, and my best friend's husband does not like me.
We have been friends for more than 20 years. There has never been any kind of run-in or scene or argument with my friend's husband -- he apparently just does not like me. My friend and I have surmised that he is insecure and feels threatened by our friendship.
In any event, I always try to include him when there is something my friend and I are planning that might interest him, such as concerts or other outings. He rarely attends and only if other couples, i.e., men, are present.
Recently I had a catered dinner party for several people at a local restaurant, something very special and unusual for me to do. I sent an invitation addressed to my friend and her husband. When she responded, she said that her husband would not come because one of the other guests was her ex-husband. Now, she has been divorced from the ex-husband for 15 years, and there was no overlap or history of any kind between first and second husbands. His reason for declining was "he didn't want to put himself through that."
Miss Manners, am I wrong to be hurt and insulted by his refusal? I believe the excuse to be totally transparent and just another way to put me down. At this point I never want to see him again, and it is hard to be civil when my friend even talks about him. Your thoughts, please.
GENTLE READER: Do you think you could manage to be only mildly hurt?
Your friend's husband doesn't want to put you down. On the contrary, he is going to great lengths to devise cover stories to avoid this, even if you find them clumsy.
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