DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a birthday party for my friend, I had a pot luck luncheon for a group of friends, all retired, who sew together. I placed the entrees on a buffet table and put the desserts, including a hand-sculpted cake, in the refrigerator. My cobbler came out of the oven, so I had to place it on the dessert table to cool.

One woman jumped up and said, "Oh, I'm just eating dessert." Everyone was still eating entrees, and I explained that I intended to serve the cobbler with a sauce after "Happy Birthday" was sung and candles were blown out.

She went to the table and dug into the cobbler, and she was joined by several others. I said sharply, "Please wait for everyone," but they ignored me, so I removed the cobbler. They say that I was rude. What do you say?

GENTLE READER: To guests who ignore their hostess' plans and requests in order to snatch at the dessert early? To hostesses who snatch away food while their guests are eating it?

Miss Manners can only hope that it was your friend's third birthday you were celebrating, and that you will all have learned rudimentary party manners before she turns 4.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I hold a very responsible and visible position in the community, have served on countless boards, been involved in many fund-raising ventures for nonprofits and must attend many events because of my job responsibilities. I have a difficult strain of rheumatoid arthritis and need a wheelchair to get around.

Many of these meetings, parties and social gatherings take place, as you know, in private homes. Most, if not 99 percent of these homes are inaccessible to users of wheelchairs, walkers or crutches.

Of course, most hosts will and have offered to carry me into their homes, but this is demeaning, even though unintentional. Bathrooms and hallways are not accessible, and by law, they are not required or expected to be. Fortunately, accommodations can easily be made.

If I'm invited, should I accept and then enlighten my host to the availability of new, cheap and portable ramps (which can be rented for as little as $15)? Or should I just refuse with no explanation? Or should I refuse with an explanation that may hurt feelings or cause the host to feel guilty? How would you handle this dilemma if you were a wheelchair user or host?

GENTLE READER: In a responsible and visible way. Which is to say that Miss Manners does not consider mysterious absences or assumptions about spreading guilt to be helpful, much less enlightening.

She asks you to consider how you would handle things if the meeting were proposed at a location where parking is difficult. Surely you -- and everybody else -- would say, "Fine, but what do we do about parking?" The host might propose a solution, or might concede that it would be more convenient to meet elsewhere, but no one is likely to be nursing hurt feelings.

She asks you to stop hedging and to say pleasantly and regretfully, "I'd really like to be there, but I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to get in unless you want to go to the trouble of renting a ramp," and to decline any offers to carry you with a simple, "Thanks, but I really don't like to do that."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend's husband has the habit of answering our telephone when visiting us, sometimes to regrettable effect. Once he answered immediately prior to my husband's surprise birthday party, before I had a chance to hush the excited guest, and my husband, on the other end of the line, was sadly tipped off to the surprise.

Last night, he answered while I was outside chatting with my friend. He mentioned that "some idiot" had called with the wrong number. It turns out he was rather rude to our housepainter, whose first language is not English. Needless to say, I had some explaining to do later to this lovely man.

What exactly is the rule on answering the phone in another's house? I realize one should never be rude, but what are the guidelines? And how do I discourage him from doing this again?

GENTLE READER: The rule is that all a guest may do about a ringing telephone is to call out to the host, "Do you want me to get that?" or to say "I left this number, so that might be for me," and let the host decide who should answer.

The guidelines are that the host is indeed banned from being rude, but not from self-protection.

May Miss Manners safely assume that you have already tried the obvious? Such as saying "I appreciate your wanting to help, but please don't answer the telephone -- I prefer to let it ring" (or "the answering machine will take it")?

If that hasn't worked, you know this is not someone who was being inadvertently rude under the mistaken notion that he was doing you a favor. You should take measures to stop him before he thinks of doing you a favor by opening your mail.

The next step is from etiquette's unlikely friend, technology. Turn off the ringer. Set the answering machine to answer on one ring. Unplug the telephone. Whatever it takes.

Yes, of course, Miss Manners realizes that your busybody guest will discover this and point it out to you. That gives you another opportunity to explain that this is because you prefer handling your calls yourself after your guests have gone.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Help! What do I say to people when they say to me, often in a very loud voice, "My, have you lost a lot of weight!" Actually, I am at an all time high, weight-wise. I am stunned by people who feel they can comment on my personal appearance in an obviously false manner. I would never comment in a way to highlight their faults. I was surprised to find that friends had the same problem and were also struck by how hurtful it was.

GENTLE READER: "Thank you, you're so kind to worry about me, but I'm fine." The trick here is to refuse to say anything more about a subject that is not their concern ("you're so kind to worry about me" being polite-speak for "mind-your-own-business"). Even Miss Manners was tempted to suggest adding, "as a matter of fact, I've been maintaining my weight nicely," until she realized that that, too, could be considered an opening.

Instead, you should be closing off ignorant evaluations with the chilling hint that weight is a more complicated matter than indicated by the assumption that thin is always better.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter's wedding five months ago was very small, and only family was invited except for a couple whom we have known for 31 years, who are considered "family." These people have always been there for us, and we have been there for them.

At the wedding, my friends got drunk, and Mrs. X lay on the floor twice and received lots attention from the other guests (many of whom were physicians). Her husband was loud and mean to me and to some guests. They had a very negative effect on the wedding.

My daughter and her husband are very hurt, and my daughter has difficulty when speaking to them. Another reason for her negative feelings is they never acknowledged her marriage with a gift or a card. I, on the other hand, am treating them as though nothing happened.

Last week, Mr. and Mrs. X had a party to celebrate her daughters' graduation from medical school. Only family and selected friends were invited. His children (from a previous marriage) and I were not invited. Mrs. X told me his children are hurt. I am not mad, but I am hurt. I need an unbiased opinion -- do I continue treating them as though these things have not occurred?

GENTLE READER: In the hope that they will continue to be "there" for you? Why? Does your floor seem empty without her? Are your family celebrations dull without his loudly abusing you and the other guests?

Miss Manners just wants to make sure she understands the problem. Much as she appreciates loyalty to old friends, she is having a difficult time believing that you hope to get back into their good graces, such as they are.

If these are ordinarily considerate, well-behaved, affectionate friends who have suddenly spun out of control, surely you should be alarmed about them, rather than miffed to be left out of their shenanigans. If this is just the way they have always been, and you truly are hurt that they are distancing themselves from you -- well, that's what's giving Miss Manners trouble.

No matter. Although these people know something about social crimes, it is only a misdemeanor to fail to include friends at a family party. But it does mean that they are distancing themselves, and you would do well to accept this by stepping back as well. This is best done quietly, neither challenging them with perfidy, nor dancing in the streets because they have released you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I operate a daycare out of my home. I am having a problem with a parent who doesn't seem to want to leave when picking up her son. At times this parent will stay for an hour trying to talk to me.

How do I tell this mom that I do not want to be her friend? I do not like to get too personal with the parents of the kids that I provide care for. This parent calls me just to talk on a regular basis. If I tell her I can't talk right then, she just calls me later. Please help me with this problem.

GENTLE READER: The threshold that is supposed to separate the workplace from private space has become seriously eroded everywhere, and here you are trying to maintain it in your home, where you welcome your clients' children. Miss Manners offers you her sympathy and her admiration.

The solution is to revert to professional behavior. Toward parents, who will sometimes need legitimate access, that means establishing calling hours and sticking to them: "I take calls from parents from 8:30 to 9, but you can always e-mail me about your concerns." Toward children, it means continuing instruction until they are out the door: "Brandon, it's time to go home with your mother now, and I'll see you in the morning."

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