DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am writing about an etiquette problem common in historic re-enactment/living history groups, for any given historic era: people who are popularly known as "authenticity police."

Authenticity policing takes the form of walking up to another person, closely inspecting their clothing (even lifting up women's skirts to examine their underwear), then informing them that they "ought to" have used 100-percent natural fibers, or hand sewn their seams, or that they are "too old" to wear a given style, or that "you shouldn't wear vintage clothing because you're destroying a part of our history."

They feel authorized to personally evaluate the reproduction (or antique/vintage) clothing of fellow members and event attendees for "authenticity" or "accuracy." This is in addition to, and usually well beyond, any official standards or requirements that may be imposed by the organization the re-enactors belong to or are attending as nonmembers).

Authenticity police insist they are being "educational," "scholarly," even "helpful." Sometimes they are overtly nasty, sometimes merely condescending. Sometimes the information they give is correct; sometimes, in my opinion, it isn't. Either way, their unsolicited criticism is primarily one-upmanship and pressure toward social conformity. It is done in public and can cause considerable embarrassment.

People usually become defensive. If they plead that they don't have enough money to buy expensive fabrics, they are then told to buy on sale, or that "re-enactment isn't a cheap hobby." If they say they don't have enough time to hand sew, they are told, "Well, I work full time, too, and I hand sew all my outfits." If they insist that what they are wearing is indeed accurate, citing books, pictures, or other research sources, they are told that they "didn't use a primary source" or "this wasn't typical for the period; you need to provide me with at least three examples."

It is not uncommon for strangers, bombarded with criticism, to leave and never return. Some humbly ask what they are allowed to wear, how they should make it, what vendors they may buy from, and so forth, and once they have some seniority, may become authenticity police themselves.

People seldom have the gumption to assert that their own clothing (and other personal matters such as their finances and how they use their free time) is their own business. Nor do they commonly point out that they are in fact conforming to the official organizational standards; and that since re-enactment is a hobby, they are free to choose how "authentic" to be beyond official standards.

Because I am interested in history and historic costume, I enjoy re-enactment activities in concept (though not some of the re-enactors). I have not found a solution to this problem other than to tell the "authenticity police" to mind their own business -- more forcefully, I'm afraid, than Miss Manners would approve.

I do think modern etiquette should apply to this situation, because socially these are modern groups. Besides, Miss Manners might not approve of the etiquette that would have been used in some historic eras, for example, physically assaulting the criticizer.

GENTLE READER: No, but neither does she care for the modern assumption that it is acceptable to go around insulting people. Officious types who behave dreadfully to improve society have always been among us -- as have those who make self-righteous excuses for lifting women's skirts -- but their victims were not always so willing to stand still for them.

Miss Manners would advise responding with a nice old-fashioned statement from whichever period the group re-enacts, along the lines of "How dare you question my honor!"

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband makes comments to sales clerks, waitresses, etc., that I think are unpleasant jabs to make them uncomfortable. He says he's "just joking," and I'm being neurotic and spoiling his fun.

If a salesgirl says, "This is at a special price today," he'll say, "Oh, will it be cheaper tomorrow?" If a waiter recommends a dish, he'll reply, "But you've never had it, have you?" The response he usually gets is an awkward silence.

The other night, our waitress said, "My name is Brandy," and when a dinner guest said, "I'm sorry, I didn't catch that," she said, "Brandy -- you know, like the alcohol." My husband said, "Oh, well, I'll have some liquor."

Our 15-year-old daughter became visibly upset at what she called his flirtatious behavior. She said he was being rude to me. I said he wasn't flirting, but embarrassing the waitress. He got angry at both of us, and he told us we were being ridiculous, and that he was "just joking."

I realize the sales people, etc., haven't heard these things before, and that I'm angry because I hear them repeatedly. I think it's mean-spirited to put people off balance. Please answer this -- he obviously doesn't care about upsetting me or his daughter. Should we just try to go along with all of it, or does our discomfort have any validity?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is afraid that she must break it to you that you are operating from two mistaken premises:

1. That the waitresses, sales clerks and such have not heard these remarks before. Of course they have. Their silence means that they are too weary to reply once again.

2. That someone who is under the impression that rote jokes are witty and is unmoved at upsetting his wife and daughter is ever going to stop unless he goes too far and an offended waitress belts him. Maybe not even then, as he will only complain that she has no sense of humor.

Miss Manners is sorry to have to acknowledge that your choice is therefore to ignore what he does or to ignore his dinner invitations. She hopes it helps to know that yes indeed, your discomfort has validity; Miss Manners finds the gentleman tiresome, and she hasn't even met him.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A new tenant recently moved into the apartment below mine and has hung a set of wind chimes outside. The chimes are high-pitched and echo annoyingly. They are driving me crazy! Are there any etiquette rules on the chimes? How can I tell her the constant ringing in my ears is driving me batty without causing tension with someone I see on a weekly, if not daily, basis?

GENTLE READER: You could try this: "There's a peculiar noise in this area, and I wonder if it's bothering you, too. Strangest thing -- high-pitched, with an echo. I hear it every time I open my windows, and can't imagine what it could be."

No? Miss Manners doesn't think so, either. There is no reason one neighbor can't register such a trivial problem with another, provided that it is done in an apologetic, rather than an accusatory way. "I'm sorry but I'm afraid I find your chimes distracting" rather than "Those stupid things are driving me crazy."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I share a house with three friends. The problem is that one of our number has recently split up with a long-term boyfriend and has taken to one-night stands by way of consolation. Two of us are actively disturbed by her activities (her ex-boyfriend had his own flat). None of us care for the idea of having those who are complete strangers to all of us in our home by night, and we are somewhat concerned about security. What can we say?

GENTLE READER: How about: "None of us cares for the idea of having complete strangers in our home at night -- besides which it scares us half to death."

You will forgive Miss Manners for rewording your statement (including prissily treating "none" as taking the singular verb), but she found it puzzlingly diffident. Why shouldn't people who share a house voice their concerns and make rules about guests and safety?

Truthfully, she suspects that she does know why you are hanging back. It's because this involves what we shall euphemistically and inaccurately call someone's love life. You probably subscribe to the cult of nonjudgmentalism, which forbids any mention of disapproval in such matters. If it were a question of your roommate's leaving dirty dishes in the sink, you would probably be forceful enough.

Among roommates, everyone's love life, no matter how chaste, is likely to affect the others in several ways unconnected with morality. Danger and having to listen to outpourings of heartbreak may be two, but what about a gentleman who helped himself to the groceries or poached your software? Or was lounging around the living room every night?

The use of space and resources in the house are the concern of all of you. Miss Manners is afraid that you three will simply have to require your heartbroken roommate to seek such consolation off the premises.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have very long, well-taken-care-of hair. The issue is this: Whenever I go out in public, complete strangers walk up to me and start playing with my hair, raking their fingers through it, or even pulling it to see if it's real. What would be an appropriate way to tell them to stop without making anyone feel uncomfortable?

GENTLE READER: The correct thing to say when a stranger grabs you by the hair is "HELP!"

If you sincerely want to make such a person feel comfortable, you could instead say, "Mmmmm," but Miss Manners regrets to tell you that this will not encourage anyone to stop.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper thing to do when you go to a wake where the family has requested "in lieu of flowers, please donate to this organization..." and the organization goes against your beliefs?

I was at a wake where I was asked to contribute to an organization that is highly discriminatory. I opted to buy flowers anyway, and I was questioned three times as to why I didn't donate. I cannot go against my beliefs, but I want to be supportive of a family in need. What is the right thing to do?

GENTLE READER: The right things to do for bereaved people are to attend the funeral, write a letter of sympathy and offer whatever companionship and practical help is appropriate to the relationship. Flowers and donations are nice, but Miss Manners assures you that they are optional extras. Not only are you not required to do either, but they do not excuse you from the basic duties.

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