DEAR MISS MANNERS: I share a house with three friends. The problem is that one of our number has recently split up with a long-term boyfriend and has taken to one-night stands by way of consolation. Two of us are actively disturbed by her activities (her ex-boyfriend had his own flat). None of us care for the idea of having those who are complete strangers to all of us in our home by night, and we are somewhat concerned about security. What can we say?

GENTLE READER: How about: "None of us cares for the idea of having complete strangers in our home at night -- besides which it scares us half to death."

You will forgive Miss Manners for rewording your statement (including prissily treating "none" as taking the singular verb), but she found it puzzlingly diffident. Why shouldn't people who share a house voice their concerns and make rules about guests and safety?

Truthfully, she suspects that she does know why you are hanging back. It's because this involves what we shall euphemistically and inaccurately call someone's love life. You probably subscribe to the cult of nonjudgmentalism, which forbids any mention of disapproval in such matters. If it were a question of your roommate's leaving dirty dishes in the sink, you would probably be forceful enough.

Among roommates, everyone's love life, no matter how chaste, is likely to affect the others in several ways unconnected with morality. Danger and having to listen to outpourings of heartbreak may be two, but what about a gentleman who helped himself to the groceries or poached your software? Or was lounging around the living room every night?

The use of space and resources in the house are the concern of all of you. Miss Manners is afraid that you three will simply have to require your heartbroken roommate to seek such consolation off the premises.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have very long, well-taken-care-of hair. The issue is this: Whenever I go out in public, complete strangers walk up to me and start playing with my hair, raking their fingers through it, or even pulling it to see if it's real. What would be an appropriate way to tell them to stop without making anyone feel uncomfortable?

GENTLE READER: The correct thing to say when a stranger grabs you by the hair is "HELP!"

If you sincerely want to make such a person feel comfortable, you could instead say, "Mmmmm," but Miss Manners regrets to tell you that this will not encourage anyone to stop.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper thing to do when you go to a wake where the family has requested "in lieu of flowers, please donate to this organization..." and the organization goes against your beliefs?

I was at a wake where I was asked to contribute to an organization that is highly discriminatory. I opted to buy flowers anyway, and I was questioned three times as to why I didn't donate. I cannot go against my beliefs, but I want to be supportive of a family in need. What is the right thing to do?

GENTLE READER: The right things to do for bereaved people are to attend the funeral, write a letter of sympathy and offer whatever companionship and practical help is appropriate to the relationship. Flowers and donations are nice, but Miss Manners assures you that they are optional extras. Not only are you not required to do either, but they do not excuse you from the basic duties.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a polite way to sever a business relationship that has an aspect of friendship to it?

For the last two years, I have been paying a woman to give me once-a-week private riding lessons. We hit it off nicely when we first met, as we have several things in common besides horses. But now, for two reasons, I'd like to "move on."

The first reason is that I feel I've gone just about as far as I can go under her instruction, and I would like to employ a more demanding and precise instructor.

The second reason is touchier. Although we get along well, not only does this woman like to talk, she likes to talk about her personal problems, endlessly and in great detail. And she has plenty of problems to choose from: myriad health concerns, a crumbling marriage, troubled teen-age kids, and fights with other clients, to name a few.

At first, I didn't mind chatting while getting the horse ready, or cooling down after the lesson, but the lessons have now turned into near-marathon monologues on her part, with me making as few comments as possible. I view my lesson as the sole time in my week when I can put my problems aside and concentrate on the horse. Apparently she's come to view it as a time for her to unload.

I don't think it'd be right to just "disappear." I do like the woman, and if I just went elsewhere, she'd eventually find out through the grapevine. Also, I know that she's lost at least two other clients due to her excess personal gab. Am I doing her a disservice by not telling her the truth? (I dread doing this, because I know how upset she gets over any criticism, real or perceived.)

I thought of using two instructors at once (not uncommon), but frankly, I've come to dread her lessons rather than anticipate them. Suggesting we get together for a drink and a chat isn't very feasible, as she lives nearly an hour away, I have small children, etc.

I'm sure other readers have had similar problems with hairdressers, house cleaners, and so on, and could use some advice on how to extricate oneself as painlessly as possible.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners has never believed that the heart-to-heart talk was the answer to everything, and would hardly recommend attempting one with someone known to nurse grievances and to do all the talking.

Besides, what outcome do you expect? She may promise to keep quiet, which would probably only postpone the problem and fails to address your need for more rigorous instruction. More likely from your description, she is going to be hurt and you will either find yourself trying to comfort her by staying on, or switching from being the confidant for her grievances to being a featured meanie in her outpourings to others.

You are not obliged to give a reason for switching your patronage from one business person to another, and should do so only when you think it is likely to be more helpful than you expect it to be here. To avoid this, start out saying instead what you have enjoyed and appreciated and then thank her but announce that it is time for you to move on. If asked why, thank her again but reply, "Oh, it's just time."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A woman who has a child close in age to me asked me what grade I am going into this year. I replied that I am a rising high school senior. She then asked me what my SAT scores were.

Somewhat appalled by this question, since my parents have often told me that it is rude to ask someone a personal question, I merely answered that I did not do as well as I had hoped.

Unfortunately the woman went on to explain how well her daughter did on the SATs when she took them at the young age of 12.

How should I respond if someone asks me this again? Any snippy suggestions?

GENTLE READER: Snippy? Really, young lady. Didn't your parents tell you that there is no excuse for being snippy, not even other people's rudeness?

So did Miss Manners' parents. As a result, she learned to snip at rude people with scrupulous politeness.

Even all those parents together couldn't claim that it was rude to show interest in another person using that person's own definition of a suitable subject for inquiry. So what you should do is to skip answering by jumping in and asking eagerly, "Why, what were yours?" Notice: hers, not her daughter's.

When she responds by mumbling that she doesn't remember (as she will), you should say, "Oh, you're just being modest, I bet they were fantastic," and when she moves on to bragging about her daughter's (as she will), you should say, "Wow, that's terrific, congratulations."

Although such a person will again ask for your scores, Miss Manners promises you it will now be sheepishly. She will have already accomplished the bragging that prompted the question, so rather than topping you, she will have a belated feeling that she ought to give you a turn.

That is when you can say, "Oh, I wouldn't even want to say, I'm sure they're nothing compared to you and your daughter's." Only you must promise Miss Manners not to say it snippily.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is a 50th wedding anniversary more like a wedding in that the husband and wife plan it themselves, or more like a shower in that family plans it for them? As my parents' oldest child, is it appropriate for me to plan their celebration?

I don't want to seem forward by stealing the job from my mother and uncles if that is their responsibility. However, my uncles and their wives are in their 70s and 80s, and in increasingly fragile health, and my mother and father haven't mentioned any plans.

Shall we children take up the reigns and plan a celebration in honor of their 50 years of love and commitment? Or would that be treading on my mother's own ground?

GENTLE READER: Actually, a wedding should be planned by parents, not bride and bridegroom, although no one except Miss Manners still believes that. And while a couple could presumably be trusted with their own 50th anniversary party, by which time they should be mature enough not to stamp their feet and cry "I don't care -- it's our day and we get to do anything we want," it would be not only proper but charming for their children to give it.

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