DEAR MISS MANNERS: Lately, I've been getting "burned up" when visiting friends and family. Until I installed central air conditioning in my own home, I was not at all bothered when hosts refrained from using the air conditioning when I was visiting. Now that I've felt the good life, I wish that my hosts would at least offer to use air conditioning when I visit, if they have it.

I must point out that I only visit when invited. I would never drop in unexpectedly. I hint politely, "Wine? No thanks, it's really too warm for wine, just some cool water for me, thanks." Or, "Should I shut this patio door so that the air conditioning won't get outside?"

What really gets me irritated is when the host walks me to my car and says, "Wow, it's hot! I think I'll shut up the house and turn the air on." This has happened three times already!

I enjoy entertaining, and I really try to have the temperature comfortable for my guests whenever it is in my control. I often try to turn the invitation around and have folks come to my house if it's going to be warm, but that doesn't always work.

Is there a polite way to ask if the host will have the air conditioning on for my visit, or is there a polite way to ask when I get there?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners will allow you your little joke about burning up, provided that it isn't meant to imply that your hosts are deliberately making you uncomfortable, perhaps to save on their bills. People are comfortable at different temperatures, and hosts may not notice that filling a room makes it warmer. Only close friends may be asked if you can change the temperature. Otherwise, you must use the indirect method, which is to ask "Is it me, or has it gotten warmer here?" At least if this comment is answered by a chorus of "It's just you," you will have set yourself up for being excused on grounds of wooziness.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I use a wheelchair. Numerous strangers have approached me in public; they have related some story to me about a distant relative, a friend, or the person speaking and how that person is/was in a wheelchair. Then, after they've shared this story, they ask about me: "So, what happened to you?"

I feel that my personal history is just that -- personal. These people want to tell their own stories, and I am the unfortunate audience. Is my unwillingness to humor these nosy people a personal shortcoming, or is it rude and improper to ask such a personal question of a stranger? I liken it to asking a stranger for their age, weight, or original hair color. Such behavior wouldn't be tolerated, but there seems to be no prohibition against demanding one's medical history. How can I respond in such a way as to convey that asking is inappropriate?

I really dread this situation. I tell friends and acquaintances who need to know, but I'm flabbergasted when strangers are rude without seeming to know how rude they're being.

GENTLE READER: People do ask one another about their age, weight and original hair color, Miss Manners regrets to tell you, and their victims are often intimidated into answering. She fails to understand why, when they should feel as indignant as you do.

Wheelchairs are supposed to help people get around, not to keep their conversation confined to discussing their medical history. Miss Manners has steadfastly refused to be bullied by those who claim that it is healthy to respond to such inquiries, that failure to do so is an indication of shame, and that because curiosity may be natural it should be satisfied. So she is aware of the degree of pressure you must withstand.

If you cannot change or break off the conversation, you can at least treat the question about yourself as if it were the conventional rote question about health. In that case, your response would be, "Oh, I'm fine, thank you, how are you?"

It might be wise to accompany this with the set smile that accompanies an exchange of pleasantries that is going nowhere. Should there be a more explicit follow-up question, you could say, "Really, nothing of any concern to anyone but my friends."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper to use pre-printed return address labels on any and all correspondence? My mother disagrees with me -- she thinks they're tacky.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners finds herself less and less interested in mailing envelopes, which became an unfortunate necessity only when one could no longer depend upon footmen to deliver one's letters in a clean envelope (they wore white gloves) bearing only the surname and title of the recipient. (The second, "inside" envelope for wedding invitations is the only surviving part of that tradition.)

So for your ordinary mail, mailing labels are fine. They are not proper for all correspondence, for example, on letters to a mother who thinks they are tacky.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I just came from a meeting where I was absolutely aghast. I've been a part of many of this group's meetings, where about a dozen people sit in a circle in a member's home, but this time it was totally out of hand.

We had a guest speaker, an expert in many areas who has a slew of degrees and is capable of speaking on many issues. The group really likes him.

We've had guest speakers before, but I never realized how bad the group has become. People constantly jockeyed to dominate the conversation; they shouted; spoke two- and three- and four-at-a-time; spoke in shrill tones, screeching without taking a breath to prevent interruption; spoke 99 percent of the time on politics, recent history, ancient history, obscure trivia, but less than 1 percent related to the topics for which the group was formed (and which is one of the areas on which the speaker is an expert).

I tried to steer the conversation to a topic on which the speaker could comment, but he was drowned out by another person's diatribe. At one point, I noticed someone doing a crossword, another reading the paper for a while, and another cutting his toenails (being aided by his wife).

After two hours of sitting through this egocentricity, the speaker announced that he had another engagement. Shocked, the group wanted him to talk more, but he said he really had to go. The group members are like this all the time, and I think the speaker giving them two hours was more than being tolerant. What can be said to them? Have things degenerated like this everywhere?

GENTLE READER: Well, no, not everywhere, at least not to the extent you describe. Miss Manners believes that the wives of Members of Congress are not permitted on the floor to help clip their toenails while the house is in session.

Maybe she isn't paying close enough attention. Certainly she has seen all of the other behavior you mention. That example to the contrary, Miss Manners believes that your problem could be ameliorated by moving the chairs. Sitting in a circle encourages group discussion, which may often be desirable, but relegates an invited speaker to being an equal participant, with no larger a share of the conversation than anyone else. When there is a guest speaker, you should put two chairs at one end of the room facing the others, and a chairman with a gavel in the chair not occupied by the speaker. If that doesn't work, your group needs a sergeant-at-arms or a trip to a nail salon.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is always quoting proper etiquette for table manners and drives my son crazy with the "no elbows on the table" reminders. My husband then proceeds to lay his whole arm on the table. I think this looks worse than an elbow. Does the rule book say anything about whole arms being on the table?

GENTLE READER: Sure, but is your husband's arm missing an elbow? If not, Miss Manners believes that he has already said it himself.

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