DEAR MISS MANNERS: This may be more of a moral issue than one of etiquette: As an upstanding and dignified woman in my 60s, I find it most inappropriate that men (my husband of 40 years among them) think it acceptable and the "norm" to have what I would define as one-on-one "dates" with younger, unmarried women.

Apparently some of my friends' husbands think little of calling up another woman (preferably young and unmarried, someone they may have met previously in a business context) when alone on travel in another city, to join them for dinner. My husband will be out of the country on business soon and mentioned that he might "get together" with a young, unmarried woman who used to work for his company -- but who now lives in the city he will be visiting.

I don't ever recall seeing such behavior mentioned as part of good breeding in any etiquette books! Has something changed in our present-day world of social etiquette, and I missed it? (Is it under a revised chapter entitled "Manners for Old Married Geezers Dating Young Unmarried Chicks"?)

GENTLE READER: Just a guess, but if your husband is up to no good, he is not going to be deterred by Miss Manners tsk-tsking at him. Etiquette fell out of the chaperonage business for that reason (that reason and the late hours).

There is a deeper reason, as well. The blanket assumption, as it were, that there could be only one motive for members of opposite genders to dine together perpetrated tremendous social injustices.

No, Miss Manners is not defending the old geezer, if that is what he is, and you know him better than she does. But neither will she be a party to the outrageous assumption that two business associates who share a meal, or two friends for that matter, can only be on a romantic date if one of them is female.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At the baby shower of my sister's daughter-in-law, I was dismayed when the guest of honor's mother bypassed two other tables and took the floral centerpiece from ours to give to a departing guest. When leaving, would you have said or done anything to show your disapproval?

GENTLE READER: Such as what? "Unhand those posies, madam"?

Miss Manners has never cared for the intense interest in grabbing party leftovers, sometimes before the party is over. Removing flowers from the table while you were sitting at it would come under that band, but so would your assuming that they were yours to take home.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: If everyone could be so lucky as to have the problem I do. My husband is in medical school, and I am a graduate student. I am paid a stipend that is adequate to cover our living expenses and my tuition is paid for by a fellowship, but medical school is a different matter. My in-laws offered to pay for the entire cost of their son's education, over $100,000.

I understand that one should graciously accept all well-meaning gifts, but we could not bring ourselves to accept this. I believe they truly imagined there were no strings attached, but even with the best of intentions, they were not about to simply write us a check for $100, 000 and forget about it.

In declining, we said how appreciative we were of the very generous offer and did our best to provide no precise reasons for declining because we really didn't want to debate the issue. We told them simply that our financial independence was important to us and that our education would be all the more valuable if we were able to achieve it on our own.

They said they didn't think we could handle the responsibility of such a large debt and that our relationship would suffer under the strain of financial worries. It got kind of ugly and caused some hard feelings. I'm sure they still can't understand why we would have declined this gift, but providing reasons would have certainly made the whole thing even uglier.

Their response was to send us a check for a few hundred dollars. We didn't cash the check, explaining that we wished they would respect our decision to support ourselves. After about a year they began sending money again and the frequency of such gifts has only been increasing. Since that first check, we've accepted the money because it seems so rude to continue to reject their gifts, and I'm afraid we were wrong to have ever done so.

The truth is, though, we really don't want their money. Is there any rule that I've missed which would allow us to (somehow graciously) refuse money from them? Does it matter if it's enclosed in a birthday card? If it's $20 left on our desk? Should we have accepted their original offer and donated it to our favorite charity?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners certainly feels lucky to get this problem. It is not often that she receives a letter asking how to refuse money graciously, instead of how to extort it successfully.

Still, there is more to this than your admirable desire to pay your own way. These are your husband's parents, and considering his education their responsibility is also admirable. Horrid as it is for children to seem eager to get their hands on family money, renouncing what is freely (if now somewhat crudely) offered comes dangerously close to rejecting the family.

Fortunately, Miss Manners can tell you how to accept and reject it at the same time. She feels positively Solomonic.

Thank them profusely, and put all those birthday enclosures, tips left around the house, whatever, into a special nest-egg account. That way, you can tell them that although it is a point of pride with you to prove that you can support yourselves, you are mighty happy to know that a cushion is available, should anyone encounter job problems or become ill. Add that if all goes well, you plan to use it for their grandchildren's education -- unless, of course, your children tell you they will pay their own way through nursery school, thank you very much.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have fallen in love with my (married-with-children) dentist and don't know how to get out of this -- maybe transference? At my age, 53, I should know better. I am so upset with myself that I got blind-sided by this. I wish I were smarter or even a more virtuous person, but I'm not. I have lost 20 pounds, can't eat, can't sleep, and do not have an acceptable outlet for these feelings. I can barely keep my eyes off this man, much less consider anyone else. I need a competent dentist, but I cannot afford, financially or emotionally, to go back to this man. Have you any insight into this that would be helpful to me?

GENTLE READER: It is quite common to love your dentist if you have had toothache and the dentist made it go away. And people often have trouble eating after they have been to the dentist, although usually only for a few minutes until the numbness wears off.

That is about as much emotional insight as you are going to get from Miss Manners. Her concern is that people behave themselves even when renegade feelings prompt them to do otherwise. Smartness and virtue offer no protection against falling in love, but they are useful in preventing this state from inspiring behavior that is foolish.

So far, you seem to have managed to restrain yourself from leaping at your dentist while he has a drill in his hand, which is a very good idea all around. So is removing yourself from future temptation.

Therefore, Miss Manners' answer to your suggestion of "transference" is yes. Get your dental association to help you transfer your dental care, if not your affections, to another competent dentist.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently got married, which is wonderful, but now we are struggling with the name situation, which is not.

For a variety of reasons, my husband is taking my last name. Our friends and relatives want to know how we should be addressed: Mr. and Mrs. Maidenname? Mrs. and Mr. Maidenname? On formal invitations, should we be listed as Mr. and Mrs. Husband Maidenname?

It is all very confusing. I am tempted to go to medical school so that I can just use "Dr." and be done with it.

GENTLE READER: Medical school sounds like a good idea. Are we done now?

Miss Manners supposes not. There are those four years of studying to get through, and I didn't catch you in time to suggest postponing your marriage. So you have to choose between the old and new forms currently approved (by Miss Manners).

There is not much tradition on this issue, but there is some. In aristocratic families without sons, the son-in-law would sometimes take his wife's name so that their children would continue its usage. From then on, it would be treated no differently than if the wife had taken his name, so you would be Mr. and Mrs. Husband Maidenname.

Those who do not use the Mr. and Mrs. construction for one reason or another may use both their full names with honorifics, in which case you would be formally Ms. Brianna Maidenname and Mr. Zachery Maidenname -- until you finish medical school, when we will all feel better.

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