DEAR MISS MANNERS: For decades now, I have loaned books to friends and family for them to enjoy and, eventually, return. I have always loved to read, and I count as my friends dozens of people who also love to read.

In the past several years, I have realized that some of these friends have not been returning the books. When I politely inquired of them whether they had finished with the book, I have received puzzling replies.

One told me that she liked it so much she had loaned the book to her mother, who had taken it back to Florida with her. Another insisted that the books had already been returned, and then admitted that they might have been swept up into a box of books destined for the church rummage sale. Others have simply said they haven't finished reading it yet, over a year since it was borrowed, and have not returned it. One promised to purchase the books at a used bookstore for me, but has not actually done so. I don't think this will happen, as the promise was made over a month ago.

These are friends that I have borrowed books from myself, but I actually return their books to them.

I so enjoy reading that I am reluctant to refuse my friends' requests for lending of books on the grounds of probable future larceny. If I did so, I doubt that they would take it well. With one of them, I refused to loan a book on the grounds that I was not finished with it, and have received some argument and evident hurt feelings in return. Still, I have not been able to come up with an appropriate way of dealing with these petty crimes.

Should I simply attempt to find better friends? Have the rules for book borrowing changed? I had considered loaning them some of your books, as a delicate hint, but was afraid they would either not get the hint or not return the books. Please help.

GENTLE READER: When you find that better class of friends, who not only appreciate literature but return it promptly, kindly introduce them to Miss Manners. She has a few volumes missing from her own library.

Unfortunately, she also has a volume or two that may not be her own property, languishing in her very tall "To Read" stack. So, although politeness demands that a borrowed book be speedily read and returned, she hesitates to declare that violating this rule is a clear indication of bad character.

This does not mean that she countenances the failure to return a book eventually, or whenever asked, which you must learn to do firmly, by saying merely "I'm afraid I need it now." Scofflaws should be stricken from your lending list, along with that dreadful person who took offense at your reading your own book instead of handing it over to her. But the merely careless should be alerted to the fact that both new and used books are easier to find, now that they are listed on the Internet, and given a chance to redeem themselves.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I made a blunder by going out with a friend, and as one thing lead to another, I ended up kissing and caressing her. I thought she was into it but then she suddenly got up and abruptly ended it all.

I apologized for what happened. But she said I have taken advantage of her. I said I didn't. My only probable reason to her was that I got carried away by the romantic notion of the encounter. I felt very bad for my actions, and I could feel her cold and unenthusiastic response when I called her, unlike before. I want to make amends and hope we can be friends again. I am married with no children. Miss Manners, what would be your advice?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners' advice is for you to keep your hands off the telephone and everything else. Otherwise, the next advice you seek should be on the legal, rather than the etiquette, aspect of your behavior.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When you need to pass seated patrons at a live performance or a movie theater, which way shows better etiquette? My wife, who grew up in Europe, states that the way Americans will shuffle sideways with their backsides facing the seated spectators, is considered rude by Europeans. I say it may have to do with the habit of Americans of buying food and souvenirs before the show or game and then taking them to their seats. I guess Americans don't want to hold their food in the faces of seated fans while looking at the faces of these people.

What is your recommendation? Some married American men could get in the doghouse if they were smiling and staring at the faces and assets of beautiful women on the way to their seats.

GENTLE READER: Well, you certainly do make a revolting -- Miss Manners meant to say compelling -- case for facing away from the spectators. That theater-goers might leer at those they must pass so closely, or drag French fries under their noses would be reason enough to establish the custom of facing away from those who are seated.

But the custom already existed before the invention of the motion picture (and its enhancement with junk food), although not before the invention of the leer. Actually, the correct posture is an angle at which the latecomer is mostly facing away from those he is passing, but at which he can say "Excuse me" if the event has not already begun.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it permissible to have the major participants -- not the bride and the groom -- wear nametags at the reception? Tags for mothers, stepmothers, fathers and stepfathers? Just names, not the relationships, as people should be able to figure those out for themselves once they have the names straight.

Both the groom and our family have confusing relationships with steps and exes. Although there will be a receiving line, and we'll get everybody in the right order, and we'll do introductions, many of the guests will have no clue as to who is who after 10 minutes even though they've gone through a line or been introduced. Is this idea tacky?

GENTLE READER: Life would certainly be easier if everyone bore a label; Miss Manners cannot deny that. But why just names?

The relationships are what people really want to know: "Bernard 'Studs' Woollcott/Bride's Mother's Second Husband." And if you really want to make things easier on the guests, you should also list the ingredients: "Lorelei MacIntosh/Half-sister of Bridegroom/Contains bile, artificial sweetener, some added coloring."

You probably don't want to do that because, if you think about it, you probably don't want to spoil the clothes and atmosphere of the occasion by making it look like a convention. In other words, yes, it is a tacky idea.

But Miss Manners has this comfort to offer you: Wedding guests don't really care whether they get the names of all the relatives, as they do not expect to see them again. And if they do, there are plenty of people around to ask.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a member of a club that has been meeting once a month during the academic year for over 60 years. Our meetings begin with a social hour at a member's house, then we proceed to dinner and an after-dinner talk by another member at the Faculty Club or a local restaurant. In its earlier years, membership was limited to men, most of them professors. But for many years now, women and nonacademics, as well as spouses and guests, have been welcome as well.

Our problem is a young and attractive woman, a successful single professional, who has been a member of the club for two or three years. She has attached herself to an 82-year-old (and long-married) retired professor in her field, one of the senior members of the group. Whenever they are both present (his wife does not attend), she entwines herself about him, crossing ankles, stroking arms, breathing in his ear throughout the after-dinner talk. If he is not present, she may try to go through the same routine with another male member.

May/December romances are all very well. But this predatory woman persists in behaving like a randy teen-age exhibitionist during meetings, distracting anyone in her line of sight, insulting the speaker, and troubling those of us who know the wives of her prey.

One could say it is the duty of these men to temper her behavior. But I fear they may be too old, too confused or too polite to know what to say -- as, I fear, are many of the rest of us, women as well as men.

Is there any civil, inoffensive way to ask this woman to desist?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is a bit confused here herself. Why would someone think that politeness forbids disentangling himself from such a situation? Would any gentleman who came upon his wife so entwined accept the explanation that she thought it only proper to succumb?

And why would a gentleman be attending a meeting of academics if he is in such an advanced state of aged confusion that he is unaware that another person has entwined herself with him? Tenure?

Never mind. Your interest should be in preserving the decorum of the meeting, not in safeguarding the morals of the members, which is beyond your jurisdiction, not to say control. The way to do this is for the person who is running the meeting to stop the proceedings and say, "Madam, sir, I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to do that outside."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I use my given name, Patricia, on my business cards, name tags, etc., but I prefer to be called by my nickname, Pat. In business situations, should I have "Pat" printed on my cards? I do try to have my nickname used on temporary nametags, such meetings and conferences.

GENTLE READER: In an ideal world, you would have your formal name printed on your card and people would address you using only your surname with a title until you said, charmingly, "Oh, please call me Pat."

But you're not in the ideal world; you're in the modern business world. People are probably going to call you whatever first name they read on the card. Perhaps "Hi, Patricia (Pat), how ya doing?"

So, it is just as well that you put only "Pat" on nametags, as that is how you prefer to be addressed. A way to preserve your formal name on your cards -- and offer a semblance of the aforementioned charm -- would be to draw a line through "Patricia" before you hand one over, writing "Pat" there instead.

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