DEAR MISS MANNERS: Over the past year or so, I have, unfortunately, written a number of condolence notes on learning of the death of spouses or close relatives of acquaintances.

None of these notes have been acknowledged, making me wonder if they had even been received.

A friend has informed me that nowadays the bereaved only acknowledge charitable contributions. Should I discontinue sending condolences into the void, or continue anyway, since I feel that a personal, handwritten expression of sympathy is more meaningful than just a charitable contribution?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners hates "nowadays" questions. They are always the last desperate plea on the part of those who are about to concede that the miscreants get to make the rules.

Sometimes it's the lazy miscreants who declare that whatever they don't feel like doing no longer needs to be done, and it is an imposition, if not a rudeness, to expect it to be. These are the ones who say that hosts are being selfish to expect anyone to answer an invitation -- until they are the ones giving the party, when they suddenly start whining that they need to know how many people will be coming.

Sometimes, it's the mercenary miscreants who are not miscreants out-for-hire but rather people who declare that money is the only factor to be counted. These are the ones who assess their guests in terms of giving power, demand presents or contributions and offer, in return, a cash bar.

On a bad day, and this seems to be one, you get the combination: Why bother to thank people when all they have shared is their thoughtfulness and compassion? Save that for the folks who fork over money.

Not only is this vulgar idea spreading, but another Gentle Reader claims that the person who told her attributed it to Miss Manners. "Hard to believe you should neglect someone who took the time and thought to offer their sympathies and put a monetary donation above thoughtfulness," this person writes.

Impossible to believe, Miss Manners would have thought -- of her or anyone else.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I feel it is rude and disrespectful for someone to call me and then yell at me on a speakerphone. I sometimes put up with this on business calls, but not personal calls. If they want to talk to me, they should pick up the phone and have a civilized conversation. Of course, I understand if the person is handicapped, but not if they are just too lazy to pick up the phone.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners gets the impression that telephones of one kind or another and their accomplices are responsible for all the rudeness in the world. Cellular telephones, Caller ID, speaker telephones -- if it weren't for their running around making trouble, everything would be fine.

She is afraid that there is no etiquette rule requiring people to hold up the telephones on which they are speaking. However, it is inconsiderate to use equipment that unreasonably strains the other person's hearing or understanding, and it is rude to allow other people to hear what a person unaware of their presence is saying. If one of those is your problem, Miss Manners authorizes you to ask your caller politely not to use the speaker function when talking with you.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Through a series of lucky coincidences, my son was given a very small role in a major theatrical production a few months ago. It was an interesting and exciting experience for our whole family, but I have to admit I was kind of relieved when it was over and things got back to normal.

A friend asked me to lunch last week and requested that I bring my backstage snapshots. She had brought along someone whom she introduced as her son's girlfriend's mother, and passed her my snapshots with comments like, "See, I told you he was a cutie."

I was embarrassed, since I didn't think this lady should have to act interested in a stranger's family's snapshots, but she was studying them carefully, and finally she said to me, "Well, I'd like you to bring your son to my office, and then we can talk further."

I was completely confused, but then my friend explained that she is a children's theatrical agent, and she had been telling her all about my son and "just knew she'd want to represent him once she got a look at him."

I absolutely do not want my kid to have an agent. My friend has been saying since my son was a baby that I should "put him in commercials," and I have always made it very clear that I am not interested.

Back to the restaurant: Here are my friend and her friend looking at me expectantly, then incredulously, as I repeatedly said thanks, but no thanks. The agent was getting angry, because apparently my friend told her I was very interested in having her meet my son, and said for the hundredth time that she hears from dozens of people every day "who would kill for this chance."

I snapped back, "Well, call one of them instead." I know this was rude, but I was really upset at being put in this uncomfortable position. Lunch ended soon after.

I have sent a letter apologizing to the agent who, after all, was brought there on false pretenses and was just doing her job, but my friend says I also owe her an apology for embarrassing her and not having what she calls "the decency to appreciate a wonderful opportunity."

I realize she thinks she was doing me a big favor, but since I've told her before that I wasn't interested, I think she was the rude one. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: Your friend suffers from the common illusion that show business is the goal of every sane American, and that having a child in it is the equivalent of a medieval family's having a saint in its midst. That is, it may be a difficult life, but the honor of it makes it worth bearing anything.

When you denied this, your friend thought you were delusional and decided to help you anyway. Now she thinks you are being coy, probably in the hope of cutting a better deal. This is why she felt she could break into your private business, ignore your explicit wishes, set you up in an ambush and still maintain that it is you who is being rude.

Miss Manners is explaining this only to warn you that you have so little hope of making your friend understand you that it hardly seems worth trying. You might be better off murmuring that you know she meant well and you would like the subject dropped than trying to shake her belief.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our granddaughter is graduating from college, plus she got engaged. She wants a graduation and engagement party on the same day to celebrate both. Is this having good manners?

GENTLE READER: You are not inquiring whether good manners demand that one give oneself two parties, rather than one, are you? Miss Manners believes you have three things to celebrate with your granddaughter, the third being her restraint.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a question about protocol, as my husband's family is rather well connected and I know a large number of people of relatively high stature in my community. If I am talking with a friend at a cocktail reception and am approached, mid-sentence, by, say, the mayor, do I turn abruptly away from my friend to greet him? Conversely, if I am speaking with the mayor and my friend interrupts, how do I react?

GENTLE READER: "Oops, there's the mayor, wait, I have to ask him when they're going to pick up the trash in my alley."

Mayors love this opening, Miss Manners assures you, and friends don't mind being interrupted by it because it gives them the chance to tell the mayor about the trash in their allies.

Otherwise, when anyone approaches while one is chatting at a party to someone else, the rule is to smile at the newcomer, finish what one was saying and then introduce everyone and include him in the conversation.

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