DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please help advise a group of professional hospital nurses on how to respond to the regular insults we often face in our required communications with those "above" us, namely physicians. We are often yelled at, objects are thrown at or around us, and charts are slammed in front of us.

On the phone, we are frequently hung up on. We are insulted personally and professionally with regard to our abilities. This is done in a loud, screaming fashion, sometimes in public, while shaking a finger in our faces. Even more insulting is to not be acknowledged at all or even addressed by our names.

Our efforts to resolve these difficulties with our managers have been unsuccessful, as we are expendable, and the physicians bring patients and money to the hospital. We are sometimes pacified with the explanation that the offending physician has personal problems or that he or she was up all night or, worse yet, that we possess a personal deficiency which our managers didn't notice previously, but which elicits such treatment.

On our best days we get by with no screaming and a mumbled thank you. These occur far less frequently than the former. How is one to deal with such incidents when our patients' lives are at stake and even our very jobs are on the line? The offending parties have never made apologies and acknowledgment of the behavior.

GENTLE READER: Please remind Miss Manners not to check herself into a hospital where any such behavior is practiced. Whatever immediate ailment she might have, she would quickly have to be transferred to the cardiac ward.

It's not just the shock these doctors would be administering to her sense of decency. She would also be doubtful of their medical competence. Doctors need to be able to keep cool in emergencies, and the ones you describe don't seem to be able to control themselves even under their ordinary working conditions.

As nurses, you are undoubtedly familiar with treating hysterics sympathetically, while at the same time keeping them from harming others. As individuals, you should be soothing anyone who behaves like this, suggesting kindly that he take it easy, asking whether you can get him anything, checking that he is taking any medicine he should be having. Acting as a group, you might consider it your duty to warn the board, if the management refuses to listen, that the hospital could be remiss if it ignored the emotional problems of specific doctors that nurses and patients have seen create problems on the job.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please remind your readers that it is a courtesy to identify hostess gifts.

When these arrive attached to guests, the hostess is only able to offer a brief verbal thanks, but sometimes she'd like to write a note, or the like, afterwards. I had an open house and wound up with many lovely gifts the donors of which are probably now gestating letters to you complaining that they weren't acknowledged. They would have been if I'd know to whom to write or phone!

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners would be happy to remind them, but may she also remind you to have a crayon on hand? After all, the guests cannot know what the set-up is to be -- how many guests, whether you will open the presents in front of them -- but you do. On an occasion when you suspect that presents might be brought, she suggests that you have a table where you may park them, and quickly scrawl the name on the package.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: We recently got married (second marriage for both) in a big, catered Saturday evening affair. We wrote on the invitation that, in lieu of gifts, we'd be honored by a contribution to our favorite charity or one of our guests' own choice.

About 60 percent of our guests have given contributions made in our honor, and a few gave us traditional gifts. To my surprise, many of my husband's very charitably minded, well-to-do friends who attended have not responded to our request at all.

I am at best perplexed and admittedly hurt. Should I take it personally that his friends have let us down? Would it be appropriate to send them thank yous for attending our wedding, which might serve as a gentle reminder that they have a social obligation that remains unmet?

GENTLE READER: Oh, just do the traditional bridal thing. Threaten to break their knees if they don't fork over the money. Miss Manners only hopes that you do not have the mistaken notion that you are an angel of charity for demanding that other people give away their money as a tribute to you.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work in a middle management position in a company that employs between 2,000 and 3,000 employees. Employees cannot receive calls while on duty unless it is an emergency. However, we will take messages.

Frequently, I receive calls informing me "Please hold the line for an important call." When a live person does come on the line it is always to inquire if an employee of my department is there. The company responsible for making the call always declines to leave a message.

I have been told that these are credit card company collection departments calling about late or missed payments. This really does not concern me in any way and is a valid reason to want to contact someone. But I am incensed by the conduct of placing a call and then essentially putting the answering party on hold! I am not the one making a request; I am the one answering a request, and then I am being treated rudely for my trouble.

I have seen no choice but to start hanging up on any recorded spiel that greets me when I answer the phone. I would like your support in this matter if you deem it appropriate and also the support of your readers. Maybe this practice will be abolished if the companies that employ it can no longer contact a person who will politely answer the phone willing to help, only to be put on hold for their convenience.

GENTLE READER: You have Miss Manners' blessing. People who are not ready to talk on the telephone should refrain from making telephone calls. The only exception she can imagine is if the caller is so overwhelmingly important that it is tactful to supply time for the receiver of the call to shout out, "I can't believe it! The Dalai Lama is calling me!"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have several nieces and nephews, and each time they graduated from high school and college and later married, I sent a lovely card and gift. I truly was proud of them and wished them well -- no extortion was involved.

When my son graduated from high school, some sent cards and a present: one sent a card, two sent nothing. This May, he graduates from a military academy and my daughter graduates a week later from high school. I felt very badly for my son when relatives did not acknowledge his accomplishments and congratulate him. I am afraid that it is going to happen again, to both of them.

I feel justifiably peeved and hurt about the actions of some of my relatives. I know that they know better and were raised to be gracious and sensitive. I also feel abused and taken advantage of as if they were saying, "We got ours, but yours get none!" What does one do in this instance?

GENTLE READER: Do? Are you thinking of something in the way of antagonizing your relatives and embarrassing your children by demanding issuing reprimands and making demands?

Miss Manners appreciates the desire of parents to make the world be good to their children, but she is afraid that they cannot step outside the bounds of politeness to do so. Retaliating, or even allowing your children to see your disappointment, will only make them feel pitiful, and you seem to be someone whose affection was offered only as an investment.

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