DEAR MISS MANNERS: I think some in our family don't know dress etiquette. I told my family members that one should not wear white when there is an R in the month. They doubt my knowledge. Do you?

GENTLE READER: For a moment there she did, Miss Manners must confess.

"Oysters!" she felt like calling out. "You poor soul, you've mistaken your clothes for oysters."

This apparently nonsensical lament refers to the instruction (not issued from the realm of etiquette) that oysters should be eaten only in months that have the letter R in their names, namely September through April. The season for the ban on wearing white shoes (not on anything white; for example, it does not apply to shirts or teeth) is Memorial Day through Labor Day.

She soon realized, however, that the two formulae are pretty close. We're talking about less than a month's difference. If Miss Manners were one to compromise, she would suggest splitting the difference, but unfortunately, she is not.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a high school senior with several questions about announcements and thank-you notes. Who exactly do announcements go to -- all relatives and friends or just those who do not live nearby? Also, I was wondering how I could personalize thank-you notes, perhaps with senior pictures?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners does not generally recommend applying logic to etiquette problems -- so much of it is simply custom that it would be like studying history by working out what you think should have happened.

However, logic would be useful here. You might ask yourself: What is the purpose of a graduation announcement?

The correct answer is to inform people who would be pleased to hear about the graduation. Everybody who put down that the purpose is to inform people that a present is due gets a blank diploma.

Some of your relatives and friends already know of the event, so you need not announce it to them. Some people who do not know might be distant enough not to be especially interested, so you wouldn't want to announce it to them.

By this process of elimination, the people to whom to send announcements would be those who you could reasonably assume would care but may not know and perhaps some who already know, but care so much that they would treasure your announcement as a souvenir of your achievement.

This is basic to what you call "personalizing" -- tailoring what you send to the recipient, more than merely showcasing yourself to everyone whose address you happen to have. It is especially required in letters of thanks. By all means, send a picture of yourself to anyone you think would enjoy receiving one. But, as these letters must be individually written, each geared to the addressee and expressing gratitude for the particular present that person sent, they cannot help being personalized.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am visibly pregnant, and friends, family and strangers have been patting my stomach or, worse, resting their hands there. When I was introduced to my husband's friend, she rested the palm of her hand on my stomach while we were talking. Continuing to talk and smile, I gently but firmly removed her hand from my stomach.

I did note that she looked surprised, but I didn't think any more of it. Later in the evening, she asked my husband if I was angry or unhappy.

Since I apparently didn't handle the situation correctly, I would like to know what I should do in future such situations.

GENTLE READER: What makes you think you didn't handle the situation correctly? You removed the offending hand and, without being unpleasant, got across to the lady the idea that she had done something wrong. The only thing remaining is to continue being friendly, so you do not give the impression that this one transgression was fatal to your friendship.

Miss Manners hopes you are not going to be one of those mothers who never gets around to teaching right from wrong because she wants to avoid making the child feel guilty, even when he is.

Your technique can be applied to anyone else who needs to be told not to go around handling people's stomachs. If you wish to be kinder, you can tell them that you will be glad to let them hold the baby if they will be kind enough to wait until it is born.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A noisy group of men sat down at a table near me and my 7-year-old daughter at our hotel restaurant last night, and when we got back to our room, my daughter told me that the group had talked about me when I had left briefly to pay the bill. She said they were positive comments, so I assume the barnyard animal sounds they were making when I returned were not directed at me.

Had I been aware of the scene, how could I have made these men aware of the offensiveness of their words and how disturbing their behavior could be to a young girl?

I almost marched my daughter back to the restaurant to ask, "Where are you all from?" in my sweetest Texas drawl. Had they answered any state(s) other than the one we were visiting, I could then have turned to my daughter and said, "Now, dear, do not think poorly of the good people here because of the behavior of these men."

GENTLE READER: Why do you want to teach your 7-year-old daughter to banter with strange men who you already know to be boisterously rude?

Aside from the vulgarity of the idea, Miss Manners can't help noticing that you are not skilled at the execution. The rejoinder you proposed to deliver depends on an unknown factor. They may have been locals, or it is barely possible that they could have also been Texans. If they were from other states, your geographical insults could offend innocent bystanders.

Even if you had pulled it off, the effect would have been to suggest that you were eager for conversation with them. The only person likely to be humiliated by it all would have been your daughter.

Miss Manners is afraid that the opportunity you missed was not to turn bar rowdies into crushed penitents but to explain to your daughter that it is not flattering to be discussed by strangers. You also missed the chance to educate her that a lady either ignores such rudeness or reports it to the nearest authority -- in this case whoever was in charge of the restaurant.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How is one to react to being handed a printout of what a child coming as a guest does and does not like to eat? What is a polite comment to make to the child's mother?

I had two children, a boy of 10 and a girl of 14, -- grandchildren of a cousin -- as houseguests for two weeks. The first morning at breakfast, they announced what they wouldn't eat. My response was that what went on the table was the meal, and they could eat it or reject it and try the next meal.

It turned out to be a long two weeks. Was I an inconsiderate host?

GENTLE READER: Possibly. Miss Manners does not contest your contention that you had inconsiderate guests nor that they are second-generation inconsiderate. But the polite comment that a considerate host should make when expecting houseguests for two weeks (or should make to their mother when the guests are children) is "Do they have any allergies or special preferences? What do they usually eat for breakfast?"

If you had done that, and the children had persisted in critiquing the food, it would have been time to say sweetly that you are sorry they don't like it, without offering to get them something else.

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