DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am visibly pregnant, and friends, family and strangers have been patting my stomach or, worse, resting their hands there. When I was introduced to my husband's friend, she rested the palm of her hand on my stomach while we were talking. Continuing to talk and smile, I gently but firmly removed her hand from my stomach.

I did note that she looked surprised, but I didn't think any more of it. Later in the evening, she asked my husband if I was angry or unhappy.

Since I apparently didn't handle the situation correctly, I would like to know what I should do in future such situations.

GENTLE READER: What makes you think you didn't handle the situation correctly? You removed the offending hand and, without being unpleasant, got across to the lady the idea that she had done something wrong. The only thing remaining is to continue being friendly, so you do not give the impression that this one transgression was fatal to your friendship.

Miss Manners hopes you are not going to be one of those mothers who never gets around to teaching right from wrong because she wants to avoid making the child feel guilty, even when he is.

Your technique can be applied to anyone else who needs to be told not to go around handling people's stomachs. If you wish to be kinder, you can tell them that you will be glad to let them hold the baby if they will be kind enough to wait until it is born.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A noisy group of men sat down at a table near me and my 7-year-old daughter at our hotel restaurant last night, and when we got back to our room, my daughter told me that the group had talked about me when I had left briefly to pay the bill. She said they were positive comments, so I assume the barnyard animal sounds they were making when I returned were not directed at me.

Had I been aware of the scene, how could I have made these men aware of the offensiveness of their words and how disturbing their behavior could be to a young girl?

I almost marched my daughter back to the restaurant to ask, "Where are you all from?" in my sweetest Texas drawl. Had they answered any state(s) other than the one we were visiting, I could then have turned to my daughter and said, "Now, dear, do not think poorly of the good people here because of the behavior of these men."

GENTLE READER: Why do you want to teach your 7-year-old daughter to banter with strange men who you already know to be boisterously rude?

Aside from the vulgarity of the idea, Miss Manners can't help noticing that you are not skilled at the execution. The rejoinder you proposed to deliver depends on an unknown factor. They may have been locals, or it is barely possible that they could have also been Texans. If they were from other states, your geographical insults could offend innocent bystanders.

Even if you had pulled it off, the effect would have been to suggest that you were eager for conversation with them. The only person likely to be humiliated by it all would have been your daughter.

Miss Manners is afraid that the opportunity you missed was not to turn bar rowdies into crushed penitents but to explain to your daughter that it is not flattering to be discussed by strangers. You also missed the chance to educate her that a lady either ignores such rudeness or reports it to the nearest authority -- in this case whoever was in charge of the restaurant.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How is one to react to being handed a printout of what a child coming as a guest does and does not like to eat? What is a polite comment to make to the child's mother?

I had two children, a boy of 10 and a girl of 14, -- grandchildren of a cousin -- as houseguests for two weeks. The first morning at breakfast, they announced what they wouldn't eat. My response was that what went on the table was the meal, and they could eat it or reject it and try the next meal.

It turned out to be a long two weeks. Was I an inconsiderate host?

GENTLE READER: Possibly. Miss Manners does not contest your contention that you had inconsiderate guests nor that they are second-generation inconsiderate. But the polite comment that a considerate host should make when expecting houseguests for two weeks (or should make to their mother when the guests are children) is "Do they have any allergies or special preferences? What do they usually eat for breakfast?"

If you had done that, and the children had persisted in critiquing the food, it would have been time to say sweetly that you are sorry they don't like it, without offering to get them something else.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a recent law school graduate who just attended a dinner honoring a federal judge on a very special occasion. I was seated at a table filled with very important people, including one very, very important person who was also the keynote speaker.

This gentleman noticed my intimidation and responded by seating me next to him and frequently making efforts to include me in the conversation. I held up my end of the bargain as best I could by being as sparkling a conversationalist as I am able, but I recognize that I got the better end of the bargain.

I would like to thank this gracious man for helping me through an awkward social situation. I have never written such a thank you letter, however, and do not know the proper tone and content for the letter -- or whether a letter of this type is even appropriate. I would hate for him to think me a sycophant or, worse yet, secretly in search of employment.

GENTLE READER: Then don't enclose your resume. If he wants to hire you, he'll request it.

Miss Manners has no idea who your VVIP is, but she can tell you several things about him:

-- He believes in manners.

-- He comes across a great many people who do not have any.

-- He assumes that every young lawyer has an eye out for a better job.

-- He has his eye out for better young employees.

-- He would appreciate a letter expressing nothing more than your gratitude for his graciousness.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend of many years' daughter is getting married this summer, a "second time around" wedding for both parties, and the same persons who were invited to her first wedding will most likely be invited to this one. My husband has already balked and said there is no way he is going to the wedding and give her another gift.

I have not said anything, as my friend has asked me to help her out with the rehearsal dinner, which will be at the couple's house, and from what I hear it is going to be an all-out wedding. Please clarify for me the proper etiquette for this situation, as I believe I will find myself in a similar situation with one of my daughters very soon.

GENTLE READER: Why do you think that etiquette has traditionally discouraged repeat, all-out weddings?

Just to be mean, Miss Manners supposes. Well, no. It is to avoid exactly the reaction this provoked in your husband.

It is not just the matter of giving a present. People who have already witnessed someone taking eternal vows she didn't keep may feel like suckers being asked to do so again.

Or they may not. Miss Manners believes that all divorces are the result of unforeseeable tragedy and subsequent weddings are final ones. It is therefore not she but the prospective wedding guests on whose tolerance a lavish event depends.

But since your husband feels that way, Miss Manners would think it a kindness for you to make a graceful excuse for him and to keep his feelings in mind when planning your daughter's wedding. A simple wedding can be just as festive and even more elegant.

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