DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have accepted the honor of being a bridesmaid in a same-sex (female) wedding. We need advice on the appropriate dress for everyone involved.

Both women are young professionals who usually dress in what is now called "business casual." Neither of them likes the idea of getting married with both of them in wedding gowns, both in tuxedos or one in each. No one else in the wedding party has come up with a good idea, and, of course, our dress will depend on theirs.

GENTLE READER: You didn't ask Miss Manners to consult tradition here, but that is what she is going to do. And not recent tradition, either.

They should dress up. This is not a casual event. But neither is it a costume party, and much of today's bridal regalia is dangerously close to resembling that. Traditionally, people simply wore their best clothes for the occasion and did not concern themselves with dressing for roles. Suits are always suitable, and Miss Manners leaves it to them whether either or both suits should have trousers or skirts.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son and daughter-in-law occasionally send me a selection of precooked meals from a famous company that specializes in gourmet foods. I know they mean well, and I am very appreciative of their thoughtfulness and generosity, as I live alone and work at two jobs in order to be independent and meet my living expenses. Also, I am not young, and most nights when I come home from work, I have neither the desire nor the energy to cook a decent meal for myself.

These gifts, which sometimes contain up to 12 dinners, are quite expensive, and although my son can afford such occasional gifts, I feel they are wasting their hard-earned money. The reason is that I do not care for their selection; they choose items that contain too much spice and seasoning (I have ulcers) and sometimes meat (I have high cholesterol).

I would be so grateful if they would send only vegetable dishes (this company's catalog shows nice-looking potatoes, spinach dishes, etc.), but how can I possibly tell them after all this time that I could not eat what they have sent me? Last week, I gave my dog an entire pot roast that was seasoned with garlic (which I do not like). The week before, my dog enjoyed Italian-style chicken breasts for dinner four nights in a row.

I love my son and his wife and do not want to upset them. How can I get them to continue to send me such wonderful gifts but change their selection? I do not want to appear ungrateful or presumptuous.

GENTLE READER: Your son and daughter-in-law do need some feedback, as it were, about the dinners they are sending. They need to know that you are getting proper nutrition. Miss Manners has the feeling that more than one loving motivation went into selecting this present.

What they do not need to know is that you dislike the meals. When a present is unsatisfactory, it is up to the recipient to make whatever adjustments are possible without troubling the giver. It should be a simple matter for you to call the company and change the order to something you would enjoy, and probably better for the dog, too.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife is a very sweet and most charming social worker who works at an in-patient ward in a psychological treatment facility. She's stunningly gorgeous and has a beautiful figure.

Since there are certain male patients who are bigger and stronger than many of the female employees, and they tend to grow unstable at times, she teaches these gals wrestling holds and other techniques for self-defense. She wears a pink leotard in her classes. Since she wiggles quite visibly, a lot of her male co-workers whistle flirtatiously and woo loudly at her.

Sometimes she just laughs along with them, but too often it annoys her. She's told me a lot of times when it has occurred that she would have liked to have told them to cut it out, but since she was rather busy teaching, she didn't want to interrupt her program. What do you recommend she could do to iron it out?

GENTLE READER: Do you realize that you have phrased this question rather salaciously?

In objecting to this sort of harassment, people generally stress the dignity and professional demeanor of the person being targeted. Your question is all about wiggles and gorgeousness and that pink leotard.

Miss Manners points this out only because if you and your wife are having a good time with this situation, she does not want to spoil it. If your wife is annoyed, she should make a serious request to her employers for privacy in which to teach the women's classes and the protection from harassment from her co-workers that they are legally obligated to provide.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Several years ago, I was asked by my professional colleagues to give a speech at our annual convention. To my great surprise, at the end of my talk the assembly rose and stood for a prolonged ovation. I had no idea whether I should remain at the podium, take my seat, wave, bow or perhaps mumble "Thank you, thank you" into the microphone.

While I have no reason to believe that I will ever again be invited to speak at another convention (having presumably used up my allotted time already), and only dreaming that any remarks I would make would be so well received again, I am nonetheless still wondering, if the speaker's remarks are honored with a standing ovation, what ought one do?

GENTLE READER: You are so charmingly modest about what must have been a splendid speech that Miss Manners feels certain that you will have this problem again. When you do, she has every confidence that you will do the correct thing.

That is because the correct thing is to appear surprised, grateful and modest, and you actually were. Murmuring your thanks at the podium for a moment, bowing slightly and then retreating to your seat is exactly the way to express this.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our daughter, who goes to school and works part time, is getting married for the third time when the groom graduates from college. Both times before, she had the kind of wedding she wanted -- a justice of the peace the first time, and a big wedding, including bridesmaids, flower girl, ring bearer and live music at the reception, the second time.

To what extent are we obligated to do a third wedding? They plan on inviting 200 people!

GENTLE READER: Presuming that your daughter is anywhere near the age of her undergraduate fiance, she seems to be having weddings more as a hobby than as a commitment. Miss Manners can hardly blame you for tiring of it.

This is the time to remind your daughter gently that wedding festivities are not something that parents owe their daughters, merely something they usually feel moved to do when their little girl leaves home. Her leaving one husband's home for another seldom inspires the same feelings.

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