DEAR MISS MANNERS: At our retirement home, many people only show up when refreshments are served, and the behavior is wild.

Some people stand in line and talk -- won't move along -- and fill their plates to almost overflowing, then take it home.

At a holiday party, it was disgusting, with people piling up chicken wings, Swedish meat balls, salads, cheese, other finger foods. It's gotten so bad that now only cookies and drinks are served. At the happy hour, the director announced that this is not your supper, it is only a snack.

We have a great restaurant and some are able to cook in their own rooms, but with some people, a free meal or food is the only attraction.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners advises you to stay away from cruises. When the midnight buffet opens, so many people who have spent the day eating breakfast, pool snacks, elevenses, lunch, tea, cocktail food and dinner make a rush for it that the ship nearly tilts over.

Free food -- that is to say, food that is paid for indirectly, not by the chicken wing -- seems to have that effect on some people. Miss Manners doesn't care for it, but has one word of advice to the director: trays.

It is true that if food is passed, rather than put out, people will move faster around the room than they might otherwise have done. Still, the result will be more sociable than if everyone is planted in front of a buffet table.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: If I agree, my husband plans to invite his ex-wife, who is the mother of his four grown-up and married children, to the big party he is throwing for his 75th birthday. It will be a three-day event in his home country for about 100 members of his family and close friends.

He wants to do this and thinks the children will enjoy having her, but only if I have no objection to it. I barely know the woman (I am from another country where there are no ex-spouses) and have only seen and met her at two of the children's wedding parties. I don't dislike her but believe she belongs to my husband's past (they have been divorced more than 25 years) and should be left there. Am I being unreasonable in thinking and feeling so?

GENTLE READER: Perhaps, but you may be relieved to hear that Miss Manners is uncharacteristically liberal about letting people harbor unreasonable thoughts and feelings. You may be less relieved to hear that she expects people to ignore such feelings and behave reasonably.

Reason should tell you that looking back over the past is chiefly what a 75th birthday party is about, especially this one, being held in your husband's home country rather than where you and he live now. Reason should also tell you that his specifying that he would not invite his former wife if you objected indicates that he considers your feelings more important than his own in this matter.

Couldn't you manage to be equally gracious and defer to him on his birthday?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a younger sister who is 11 years old and sometimes gets nosebleeds when we are eating in a restaurant. Now, rather than have her leave the table to go to the bathroom, my family members think it is fine to let her sit there and use the cloth napkin to stop her nosebleed. I protest but get yelled at because I think it is very rude to leave it there for some poor waitress to have to pick up. Please tell me whether you think it is proper for my sister to stay at the table and make me watch her nosebleed.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners hopes that you react better to this situation when it happens in restaurants than she did when reading of it in the privacy of her boudoir. And she, fortunately, was no where near any food.

Dangerous medical emergencies must be dealt with when and where they occur, and one trusts that those who are inconvenienced will rise to the occasion. But the way you tell this, it sounds like no such thing. It sounds like outrageous lack of consideration for everyone in the restaurant -- staff, family and strangers.

However, Miss Manners wants to make sure that you are compassionate toward all, not just toward those outside the family. Promise her, please, that you weren't setting them all off by making callous comments when your sister was stricken.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it always considered rude to roll one's eyes? Such examples as someone clipping his nails on the subway, or someone deliberately littering come to mind as appropriate preludes to eye-rolling.

Does Miss Manners ever find occasion to roll her eyes, or when she might like to? Does she believe that the rough verbal equivalent of rolling one's eyes would be "Yeah, right," and raising of the eyebrows, "Oh, really?" Is the latter behavior considered impolite, also? Depending on the context?

GENTLE READER: Rolling the eyes as a prelude to fainting is not considered rude, however much it may inconvenience those fainted upon. For any other reason, even showing exasperation at other people's poor manners, it is. If it weren't, poor Miss Manners would be stumbling through life with only the whites of her eyes showing. Raising the eyebrows is a slightly more polite gesture, as it expresses disbelief, rather than disapproval. The context is that it should be directed at someone who does not care to encounter your disapproval, and will, therefore, take advantage of the possibility of retreat. Your own children are a better bet for this than strangers on the bus.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I enter a room full of people who are busy talking to each other, I feel that I am interrupting if I try to greet the group. However, when people keep on talking, I feel they are being rude. Should those already in the room greet and welcome the newcomer, or does the newcomer speak first?

GENTLE READER: There is something in between shouting, "All right, everybody, I'm here! The fun can begin!" and cowering in the corner feeling like a wallflower.

It consists of threading your way through the group to find the host or chairman of the gathering, smiling and nodding to people as you pass, and spotting a congenial group to which you can attach yourself afterwards. Miss Manners assures you that this works just as well when there is no host to be found.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother and I went to the cinema with family and friends. Our mother, who does not particularly enjoy movies, decided to use the opportunity to mend a sweater in the dark.

My brother, the owner of said sweater, found this behavior appropriate and not in any way disrespectful. I, on the other hand, found this a rude gesture indicating displeasure with the entertainment choices and company of our friends. Please settle this family issue so that we can instruct our mother properly.

GENTLE READER: If Miss Manners understands you correctly, your mother is a lady who quietly goes along on a family excursion she does not enjoy and engages in the ladylike activity of needlework, under the difficult condition imposed by darkness, and for the benefit of one of her children. And you wish to instruct her in propriety?

Miss Manners must respectfully decline to assist you. She lacks the heart to tell such a nice lady that she should have brought up one of her children to be more respectful of her.

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