DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it always considered rude to roll one's eyes? Such examples as someone clipping his nails on the subway, or someone deliberately littering come to mind as appropriate preludes to eye-rolling.

Does Miss Manners ever find occasion to roll her eyes, or when she might like to? Does she believe that the rough verbal equivalent of rolling one's eyes would be "Yeah, right," and raising of the eyebrows, "Oh, really?" Is the latter behavior considered impolite, also? Depending on the context?

GENTLE READER: Rolling the eyes as a prelude to fainting is not considered rude, however much it may inconvenience those fainted upon. For any other reason, even showing exasperation at other people's poor manners, it is. If it weren't, poor Miss Manners would be stumbling through life with only the whites of her eyes showing. Raising the eyebrows is a slightly more polite gesture, as it expresses disbelief, rather than disapproval. The context is that it should be directed at someone who does not care to encounter your disapproval, and will, therefore, take advantage of the possibility of retreat. Your own children are a better bet for this than strangers on the bus.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I enter a room full of people who are busy talking to each other, I feel that I am interrupting if I try to greet the group. However, when people keep on talking, I feel they are being rude. Should those already in the room greet and welcome the newcomer, or does the newcomer speak first?

GENTLE READER: There is something in between shouting, "All right, everybody, I'm here! The fun can begin!" and cowering in the corner feeling like a wallflower.

It consists of threading your way through the group to find the host or chairman of the gathering, smiling and nodding to people as you pass, and spotting a congenial group to which you can attach yourself afterwards. Miss Manners assures you that this works just as well when there is no host to be found.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother and I went to the cinema with family and friends. Our mother, who does not particularly enjoy movies, decided to use the opportunity to mend a sweater in the dark.

My brother, the owner of said sweater, found this behavior appropriate and not in any way disrespectful. I, on the other hand, found this a rude gesture indicating displeasure with the entertainment choices and company of our friends. Please settle this family issue so that we can instruct our mother properly.

GENTLE READER: If Miss Manners understands you correctly, your mother is a lady who quietly goes along on a family excursion she does not enjoy and engages in the ladylike activity of needlework, under the difficult condition imposed by darkness, and for the benefit of one of her children. And you wish to instruct her in propriety?

Miss Manners must respectfully decline to assist you. She lacks the heart to tell such a nice lady that she should have brought up one of her children to be more respectful of her.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Six of us from our office were dining at a restaurant that happens to be a favorite of my boss', but not of mine. The office manager ordered risotto, which I like but had found to be starchy at this particular place. I immediately asked her, "Is there any way I can talk you out of that?" (I didn't say "yeech!" and make a face.)

She said no, and my boss said it was rude of me to criticize an entree that someone else chose. This was not an etiquette rule I'd heard of.

Was I supposed to wait until she didn't like the risotto herself and then say, "I didn't think you would"? (The office manager did end up liking it.)

GENTLE READER: The rule is not against giving advice about restaurant dishes. The rule is against insinuating that your boss chose a restaurant of which one has to be wary. Presuming the risotto really is starchy, the office manager showed a better understanding of this than you did, Miss Manners is afraid.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can I have your reaction to the following? Twice this year, co-workers in long-standing, cohabitation arrangements have gotten engaged to their partners. Don't get me wrong: I approve of their getting married. It's the right thing to do. The thing that irks me is the attendant hoopla.

These girls are flashing gaudy diamonds, giggling like schoolgirls and planning lavish weddings, complete with white dresses. (Either I misunderstand the symbolism of the white dress or their children are all future messiahs, but I digress.) And the response of the girls in the office? "Oh, we must throw a shower!"

We must? I was under the impression a shower was to help the new bride set up her household. After living together for nearly a decade, having children and buying a home together, I think those households are pretty well set up. Besides which, a moral issue exists: If you stole a car off the lot, drove it around for five years and then brought it back and announced you were ready to pay for it, would you expect a ticker-tape parade in your honor? These couples have stolen the privileges of marriage for themselves. Isn't it incumbent on them to set matters right discreetly and humbly? I would like to offer congratulations and sincere well-wishes, but I don't care to be a party to the party, if you get my drift. Nor do I wish to put these girls on the spot by explaining what I think. I've got a faint suspicion that no matter how I word it, it's going to seem rude. On the afternoon of the first shower, I discovered some suddenly urgent "personal business" to attend to, and, unless you have an alternative, I will do the same this time.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners shares your reluctance to insult people and spoil their fun concerning an activity she finds morally distasteful. Only in her case, it isn't focused on wedding hoopla, as you put it: Over-due marriages need to be celebrated, too, and she can't be bothered to keep track of couples' tardiness for the unpleasant purpose of deducting carats and discouraging giggles.

Miss Manners' distaste is for pseudo-social life at the office, because it is occasioned by proximity rather than affection. She believes we should all just work through, go home earlier, and give showers for our own friends.

So here is a gracious way of getting around both your scruples and hers: Go early and say to the honoree, "I'm so sorry I can't stay because I have work to do, but I want to wish you happiness."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How should one respond when a well-intentioned person provides someone, or a group of people, with inaccurate information?

I receive a regular stream of "urban legend" e-mail and often hear incorrect advice passed along in person. I have researched many of these stories and know the damage that can be done by those who believe them.

I am distressed by the lack of critical thinking skills that these otherwise sensible people display, and sometimes I am concerned that they could hurt themselves. I feel a strong urge to set the record straight, but I do not want to be rude or hurtful.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is going to take your word for it that you know of actual harm that will result from people believing that there are alligators in the sewerage system. In return, she wants you to promise that you will not go around pointing out to people that they need to learn critical thinking skills. The tactful opening for questioning a story without implying this is, "Oh, really? But I heard something different."

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