DEAR MISS MANNERS: Dining out at two different places, I was taken aback to find the lack of a spoon in the table setting. Upon looking across the room, I noticed all the table setups were minus the spoon. Is this a new wave? In my own humble home, I still set a knife, fork and spoon, and I have taught my children the same. I have another restaurant pet peeve, and you may correct me on this. I will not dine at a place if I know they use a three-tined fork. I think that is so cheap.

Just a touch of humor: One of these places was so gross it was laughable. First, the missing spoon. The wine came in a non-wine glass. The rolls were stale, there was no bread plate, and the salad came after the entree was served. Now comes the big finish from the waitress, who finally smiled. Her mouth was filled with rotten teeth, minus the holes from lack of same.

By the way, I did write letters of comment to these places and received no reply.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is trying to imagine a restaurant guide that would provide the information you need to find a place that would satisfy you. She has not yet come across one that critiques the state of the waitresses' teeth. What would the little symbols be that tell you how many are missing?

At any rate, you should not be the one to issue guidelines. You can choose your restaurants on the basis of whatever eccentricities you have, and presumably no one likes stale bread (well, maybe pigeons, but what do they know?), but Miss Manners begs you not to attempt a career as a critic of table etiquette. It is not a subject you know.

Far from violating the rules of table service, the restaurants you scorn are using (or stumbling into) better service than restaurants generally attempt. What you seem to think correct is a result of the compromises that restaurants usually make, faced as they are with customers who want something cooked to order but served immediately.

For truly proper service, the table is set with only the utensils that will be used, so a spoon appears at dinner only if there is to be soup or it is part of the dessert service. Restaurants put out bread and butter and serve the salad as a first course not because it is correct, but to keep their customers from growling while the meal is prepared. At a formal dinner, where the cooks know in advance what is to be served, there are no bread and butter plates, and the salad is served after the main course.

As the four-tined fork did not appear until mid-18th century, any three-tined ones made before that time would be anything but cheap. Whether people had fewer teeth in those days, as well, Miss Manners cannot recall.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If a person is a rabbi, priest, nun or of another religious profession, am I supposed to call the person "Rabbi," "Father," "Sister," etc., even if I am not of the same faith?

GENTLE READER: Yes. One might say that it is less a question of what authority you believe them to have than what authority you believe yourself to have. Miss Manners assures you that you would be neither conferring nor endorsing such titles by using them as a matter of courtesy.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it appropriate behavior to scare a person by coming up quietly behind them and saying "Boo!" very loudly? And then to laugh as if it were a huge joke and not even bother to apologize? A so-called friend of mine did just that to me twice, and both times scared me so badly that I thought I would have a heart attack.

She does not seem to realize that it was bad to frighten people at my age. How can I stop her from doing that again? Should I let her have it, or pretend that nothing happened and just ignore her?

GENTLE READER: In certain circles, this is considered not only appropriate but witty. However, as such circles are more apt to be susceptible to chicken pox than to heart attacks, Miss Manners gathers they are not the ones in which you move.

Among all age groups, the way to discourage jokes is to fail to react to them. If you can't manage to simulate equanimity, compose yourself as quickly as you can, and say calmly, "Oh, that's probably not a good idea. You wouldn't want to be responsible if something happened."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one deal with cigar smoke and cigar smokers in restaurants? I have found myself in new but well-reviewed restaurants, which say that they have no smoking sections, only to discover that the smoking section is not separated from the rest of the dining room. That is unpleasant enough, but when the restaurant permits cigar smoking as well, the odor overwhelms the smell and taste of the food.

Appealing to management often reveals that the restaurant is selling the cigars at a great profit and is therefore unwilling to limit cigar smoking. Promising never to return does not solve the problem of a ruined dinner. My husband tells me that grabbing the cigar and sticking it in the person's water glass is not a suitable response. And that is the most benign thing I can think of. I have also come up with a few choice descriptions of what the cigar looks like and what it says about the person sucking on it. However, my husband says that comments along those lines would lead to violence.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners had so hoped she had heard the last of the impasse between smokers who defy manners and nonsmokers who think it would be fitting or funny to escalate the situation into vulgarity and violence. The fact that the latter claim to be on her side does not soften her distaste. She does not care to depend on criminals for etiquette enforcement.

Her hope was not based on the silly notion that either side might have learned restraint, but on the otherwise humiliating fact that the near-universal defiance of manners has resulted in the law's taking over the problem. This enables you to encourage the restaurant manager by reporting the establishment to the health department.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I and our children were visiting his family one evening, and many family members were gathered for conversation. As I don't speak their language and translating for my sake was slowing down the conversation, I politely bowed out and took my children and my nephews for a bath.

While I was elbow deep in suds, my husband and his uncle entered the bathroom. The uncle was leaving and wished to say goodbye to me. He offered me his hand. My hands were dripping and the only towels were behind the men, behind the door, in a hopelessly cramped bathroom. So I quickly wiped my right hand back and forth on my pant thigh and shook the uncle's hand.

Later, my husband criticized this action as totally uncouth. While I agree that, in general, one should not do this, I am at a loss as to my alternatives. There was nothing else to wipe my hands on, unless I squeezed everybody every which way to get at the towels first. My husband says I should simply have given him my dripping wet, sudsy hand. I disagree. What do you say?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is eager to declare you to be right, because if she declared your husband right, he might want to shake on it.

He isn't, so she doesn't have to. A handshake symbolizes kindly intentions, on which a wet handshake would cast suspicion. Given the choice between that and a willingness to sacrifice your own clothes, presuming there was anything left to sacrifice after you bathed all the children, you exhibited the greater consideration for your uncle-in-law.

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