DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it appropriate behavior to scare a person by coming up quietly behind them and saying "Boo!" very loudly? And then to laugh as if it were a huge joke and not even bother to apologize? A so-called friend of mine did just that to me twice, and both times scared me so badly that I thought I would have a heart attack.

She does not seem to realize that it was bad to frighten people at my age. How can I stop her from doing that again? Should I let her have it, or pretend that nothing happened and just ignore her?

GENTLE READER: In certain circles, this is considered not only appropriate but witty. However, as such circles are more apt to be susceptible to chicken pox than to heart attacks, Miss Manners gathers they are not the ones in which you move.

Among all age groups, the way to discourage jokes is to fail to react to them. If you can't manage to simulate equanimity, compose yourself as quickly as you can, and say calmly, "Oh, that's probably not a good idea. You wouldn't want to be responsible if something happened."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one deal with cigar smoke and cigar smokers in restaurants? I have found myself in new but well-reviewed restaurants, which say that they have no smoking sections, only to discover that the smoking section is not separated from the rest of the dining room. That is unpleasant enough, but when the restaurant permits cigar smoking as well, the odor overwhelms the smell and taste of the food.

Appealing to management often reveals that the restaurant is selling the cigars at a great profit and is therefore unwilling to limit cigar smoking. Promising never to return does not solve the problem of a ruined dinner. My husband tells me that grabbing the cigar and sticking it in the person's water glass is not a suitable response. And that is the most benign thing I can think of. I have also come up with a few choice descriptions of what the cigar looks like and what it says about the person sucking on it. However, my husband says that comments along those lines would lead to violence.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners had so hoped she had heard the last of the impasse between smokers who defy manners and nonsmokers who think it would be fitting or funny to escalate the situation into vulgarity and violence. The fact that the latter claim to be on her side does not soften her distaste. She does not care to depend on criminals for etiquette enforcement.

Her hope was not based on the silly notion that either side might have learned restraint, but on the otherwise humiliating fact that the near-universal defiance of manners has resulted in the law's taking over the problem. This enables you to encourage the restaurant manager by reporting the establishment to the health department.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I and our children were visiting his family one evening, and many family members were gathered for conversation. As I don't speak their language and translating for my sake was slowing down the conversation, I politely bowed out and took my children and my nephews for a bath.

While I was elbow deep in suds, my husband and his uncle entered the bathroom. The uncle was leaving and wished to say goodbye to me. He offered me his hand. My hands were dripping and the only towels were behind the men, behind the door, in a hopelessly cramped bathroom. So I quickly wiped my right hand back and forth on my pant thigh and shook the uncle's hand.

Later, my husband criticized this action as totally uncouth. While I agree that, in general, one should not do this, I am at a loss as to my alternatives. There was nothing else to wipe my hands on, unless I squeezed everybody every which way to get at the towels first. My husband says I should simply have given him my dripping wet, sudsy hand. I disagree. What do you say?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is eager to declare you to be right, because if she declared your husband right, he might want to shake on it.

He isn't, so she doesn't have to. A handshake symbolizes kindly intentions, on which a wet handshake would cast suspicion. Given the choice between that and a willingness to sacrifice your own clothes, presuming there was anything left to sacrifice after you bathed all the children, you exhibited the greater consideration for your uncle-in-law.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I sent a check to my sister's granddaughter when she got married four months ago, and I received a thank you note, but the check has not cleared yet. What is the proper way to handle this?

GENTLE READER: Inquire of your grand-niece whether she did not intend to endorse the check and skip the thank you letter. This is the procedure that her contemporaries seem to think proper. Next, Miss Manners should think you would want to give her a huge hug and say, "Now I want to hear that you got something wonderful with this."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While we were expecting our fourth son, my mother offered to come and assist with our family during his birth, using a plane ticket she already had. We were very glad to have her here to help with transportation, meal preparation, etc. Because of unforeseen circumstances, she ended up staying for 13 days. During her stay, she made numerous trips to the grocery store: some I requested, some she did on her own. Whenever she purchased something for our family, I told her I would pay her back.

Upon departure, she presented me with a total of over $400! I wrote her a check. Later, I looked at the receipts she had left. She charged us for all the food she ate, numerous magazines and cookbooks she purchased for herself, special soap she wanted instead of the brand we use, and gifts for the dog ($10 for dog bones) and the children! In addition, she bought numerous expensive items (large bags of macadamia nuts and almonds, brand-name grocery items when I usually purchase store brands) that I would never have purchased. She is not poor and neither are we, but my husband and I are at a loss as to why she would take advantage of us in this way. She didn't even leave the used magazines for us to see!

Should I confront her or just let sleeping dogs eat their $10 bones?

GENTLE READER: By your own account, your mother spent nearly two weeks running your household of at least three little children (and for all Miss Manners knows, you may have six daughters, in addition to the new total of four sons) and a dog, doing your errands and giving them treats. She also supplied her own transportation.

You feel she took advantage of you because she didn't deduct the cost of her own food from the household grocery bill. And that she should have been eating peanuts instead of macadamia nuts, and should not have been so liberal with your dependents or taken the magazines with her to read on the plane.

Miss Manners does not want to help you explain these feelings to your mother. Instead, she has something she would like to explain to you. When you hire someone to run your household for you, you may, if you are lucky and patient, eventually be able to get things done as you would have done them. Even then, although you should set the budget and state your preferences, you would be wise to allow some leeway. The people who are best at any job have their own way of doing things.

When you accept an offer of help, even -- or especially -- from your own mother, you take (or leave, or resolve never to accept again) that person's assistance as a present, which is to say graciously and gratefully. Furthermore, you should be urging your mother-guest-benefactor to make herself as comfortable as possible, not begrudging her capping a day's work by having a bath with her favorite soap.

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