DEAR MISS MANNERS: Loud-mouthed, so-called "friends" of my deceased husband never miss an opportunity to say (in public) how well off I must be because of his benefits, etc.!

I find this offensive, embarrassing and none of their business. He was in a service club with these louts, and he obviously spoke too freely about our finances. This is not a large town, and tradesmen are all too willing to overcharge widows of any walk of life. For that reason, I seldom mention that I'm a widow.

I sacrificed a lot due to his job -- transfers, loneliness and virtually raising our children alone -- and I resent their attitude. Is it jealousy? Or stupidity?

Also, some young parents feel that as a widow I should be happy to baby-sit their kids for free. I hardly know these people -- they aren't related to me -- and saying so doesn't seem to penetrate. I've thought of saying I charge $10 an hour to end this.

One friend constantly comments on my weight. I've lost weight but feel that is very personal and I resent her "evaluation." She has gained quite a bit, but I was brought up that comments on appearance are a no-no unless complimentary.

GENTLE READER: Isn't it time for another transfer?

Miss Manners acknowledges you will have a hard time finding a place where people don't rudely comment on other people's money and weight. But surely there must be one town left, somewhere, where the merchants don't have a policy of hiking prices for widows and, presumably, orphans.

If you insist upon staying where you are, Miss Manners is afraid you must learn to make firm replies to offensive remarks. Not offensive replies, just firm ones.

The friend who comments on your weight should be told, "I hope you're not keeping track of my weight because you are worried that I might be ill. I'm actually fine. I hope you are, too?"

The young parents would probably take seriously your statement of a fee, perhaps hoping to negotiate. So unless you want to go into the business, you need only say, "Oh, I'm afraid I don't do baby-sitting."

As for your husband's friends, you could shame them by looking tearful and saying, "Well off? I lost my husband! You call that well off?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After my child was born, we started calling one of my ex-stepmothers "Grandma" (My newest step-mom, who was around when this happened, is being called Nana).

My own mother doesn't have a problem with it, but my mother-in-law seems to think my child will be confused, because she's starting to talk now and says we should stop calling the ex-stepmother grandma, and use her first name only.

Now I'm confused. What would Miss Manners call her?

GENTLE READER: A busybody, but not to her face. That would be rude.

Oh, you mean what would you call the ex-stepmother now known as Grandma, as opposed to Nana, the new-step-mother, and the other ex-step-mothers, who are called -- what? "Granny" and "Bubbles"?

If your child were not confused, Miss Manners would be worried. But even in families with less active grandfathers, children have two grandmothers, and they find a way to distinguish between them.

The ex-stepmother should be called Grandma, because that is what she wants to be called, and because you don't want to confuse your child even more by switching all the names around. If your mother-in-law wishes to be called Grandma, she should be, too, and if she finds it confusing, and yet objects to adding her first or last name to the title for the sake of clarity, she should at least be clear about who is adding to the confusion.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way of asking someone to refrain from singing, humming or whistling? In extended car rides, especially, I find listening to others' noise unnerving.

GENTLE READER: Generally what people do is to suffer as long as they can and then go completely to pieces and shout, "Will you stop that? That noise is driving me nuts. You can't even carry a tune."

Of course, this is neither proper nor practical. Once the hummer is startled into silence, the other people -- instead of being grateful -- will claim treacherously that they were enjoying it.

Miss Manners thinks it more advisable to catch the situation earlier, when you are still able to murmur, "I wonder if you would hum that for us later; just now, I'm trying to remember something."

The offender will, of course, reply, "I wasn't humming." But if you are able to contain yourself and say only, "Sorry, my mistake," you will be rewarded by his having to prove it.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please comment on being expected to wait for a scheduled visit while your host has her nails and hair done or sees a chiropractor. This has occurred on several occasions and has caused a rift in a 25-year-old friendship.

I always clear my calendar of personal appointments when guests are visiting for the weekend. Others have not accorded me this courtesy.

These are not spur-of-the-moment visits but planned ahead by several weeks. On the last occasion we had plans to take a short trip and to stop at several places along the way. We discussed what time to leave and decided that whenever we were ready we would depart. I had taken two vacation days for this trip.

I was informed that morning that we could not leave until a personal appointment had been completed and therefore we would not be able to make the stops we discussed. The person in question is recently retired. I have a total of 10 vacation days a year.

GENTLE READER: In the interest of preserving a 25-year friendship, Miss Manners is trying hard to find a reasonable explanation for this behavior. Never has she been so tempted to go against her own rule that prohibits declaring that everyone who behaves badly is deeply troubled and should be packed off to a therapist and leave her alone.

This leaves her trying to imagine a hair or nail emergency of such magnitude that no one suffering it could be expected to have time to consider anyone else. She is afraid that she cannot do it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my sister was recently engaged, I asked what she and her fiance would like me to send for a wedding gift. She responded that since they have everything they need, they are asking everyone to donate to an account that would be used in one of two ways: to save injured animals that would otherwise have to be euthanized, and for an environmental charity that her fiance would choose.

Imagine my surprise when she thanked everyone at the reception for the donations they had made, and said the money would be split three ways: for their honeymoon, for an environmental charity, and for saving animals. I think she was deceptive and should not use any of the money for personal enjoyment after specifically stating that it would be used for charitable causes.

GENTLE READER: You young ladies weren't paying attention when your parents tried to teach you the spirit of giving, were you? Miss Manners notices that you each missed an essential point.

Your sister should have remembered that time she scooped up Daddy's spare change and then argued that he shouldn't be mad because she spent it on candy for a poor little girl who didn't have any. The lesson was that there is nothing generous about spending other people's money.

You should remember the times you went to a birthday party clutching a present and kept clutching it after the birthday child had hold of the other end. That lesson was that when making a present, the donor has to relinquish control over it.

Thus, the whole charade -- your sister's claiming to be giving to charity when she is only coercing others to do so, and your claiming that she has thwarted you from giving to charity, when you were making her a present -- is ridiculous. If you and your sister and her fiance want to support good works, why don't you just go ahead and do it, rather than trying to launder money through their wedding?

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