DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way of asking someone to refrain from singing, humming or whistling? In extended car rides, especially, I find listening to others' noise unnerving.

GENTLE READER: Generally what people do is to suffer as long as they can and then go completely to pieces and shout, "Will you stop that? That noise is driving me nuts. You can't even carry a tune."

Of course, this is neither proper nor practical. Once the hummer is startled into silence, the other people -- instead of being grateful -- will claim treacherously that they were enjoying it.

Miss Manners thinks it more advisable to catch the situation earlier, when you are still able to murmur, "I wonder if you would hum that for us later; just now, I'm trying to remember something."

The offender will, of course, reply, "I wasn't humming." But if you are able to contain yourself and say only, "Sorry, my mistake," you will be rewarded by his having to prove it.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please comment on being expected to wait for a scheduled visit while your host has her nails and hair done or sees a chiropractor. This has occurred on several occasions and has caused a rift in a 25-year-old friendship.

I always clear my calendar of personal appointments when guests are visiting for the weekend. Others have not accorded me this courtesy.

These are not spur-of-the-moment visits but planned ahead by several weeks. On the last occasion we had plans to take a short trip and to stop at several places along the way. We discussed what time to leave and decided that whenever we were ready we would depart. I had taken two vacation days for this trip.

I was informed that morning that we could not leave until a personal appointment had been completed and therefore we would not be able to make the stops we discussed. The person in question is recently retired. I have a total of 10 vacation days a year.

GENTLE READER: In the interest of preserving a 25-year friendship, Miss Manners is trying hard to find a reasonable explanation for this behavior. Never has she been so tempted to go against her own rule that prohibits declaring that everyone who behaves badly is deeply troubled and should be packed off to a therapist and leave her alone.

This leaves her trying to imagine a hair or nail emergency of such magnitude that no one suffering it could be expected to have time to consider anyone else. She is afraid that she cannot do it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my sister was recently engaged, I asked what she and her fiance would like me to send for a wedding gift. She responded that since they have everything they need, they are asking everyone to donate to an account that would be used in one of two ways: to save injured animals that would otherwise have to be euthanized, and for an environmental charity that her fiance would choose.

Imagine my surprise when she thanked everyone at the reception for the donations they had made, and said the money would be split three ways: for their honeymoon, for an environmental charity, and for saving animals. I think she was deceptive and should not use any of the money for personal enjoyment after specifically stating that it would be used for charitable causes.

GENTLE READER: You young ladies weren't paying attention when your parents tried to teach you the spirit of giving, were you? Miss Manners notices that you each missed an essential point.

Your sister should have remembered that time she scooped up Daddy's spare change and then argued that he shouldn't be mad because she spent it on candy for a poor little girl who didn't have any. The lesson was that there is nothing generous about spending other people's money.

You should remember the times you went to a birthday party clutching a present and kept clutching it after the birthday child had hold of the other end. That lesson was that when making a present, the donor has to relinquish control over it.

Thus, the whole charade -- your sister's claiming to be giving to charity when she is only coercing others to do so, and your claiming that she has thwarted you from giving to charity, when you were making her a present -- is ridiculous. If you and your sister and her fiance want to support good works, why don't you just go ahead and do it, rather than trying to launder money through their wedding?

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my mother and father had a small dinner party for friends they had not seen in quite some time, my mother, to her horror, accidentally set the oven setting too high and burned the veal beyond recognition. She served the burned veal along with the other side dishes and pretended nothing was amiss.

I, personally, feel that this was the wrong decision (not that I told my mother this, since the incident had already passed). If, in the future, this happens to me, what is the correct way to proceed?

(1) Explain what happened and take everyone out to dinner?

(2) Explain what happened and order in Chinese?

(3) Explain what happened and only serve the side dishes?

(4) Serve the burned food and pretend it's Cajun?

GENTLE READER: You are a remarkably self-possessed family, Miss Manners must say. Your mother is able to preside over a meal of charred remains without batting an eye, and you are able to restrain yourself from saying, "Ma! What were you thinking?"

You also share the same motivation, which is to spare your mother embarrassment. Miss Manners is afraid that acting upon this is kindlier in your case than in your mother's. You sacrificed your own pleasure (presuming you enjoy the normal pleasure of triumphing over a parent) for her sake; she sacrificed her guests' dinner and comfort for her own.

To spare the guests from pretending not to notice what is wrong with dinner, perhaps even to the extent of eating it, the hostess should confess her fault. She should also try to make light of it so they don't feel they have to reassure her, perhaps even to the extent of eating it.

What your mother owed her guests was (1) dinner (2) an absence of fuss and (3) an apology accompanied by the pretense that she found her own ineptitude hilarious and was counting on them to do so as well.

Miss Manners also recommends (4) a can of tuna fish.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a senior citizen with a very nice gentleman friend who lives in another state. From time to time, he will call or write and say he would like to come to see me.

I then respond, giving him a specific week, allowing time for the airlines' two-week advance-purchase rates.

Then I wait -- and wait. Eventually, he will write and say he is not sure about the dates, etc. and "how about ... ?"

I keep a busy calendar; some things could be changed, but I would rather not do so. How do I courteously let him know that this habit (and it is a habit) upsets me? We do have a good time together, but to me this is rude, even though I think it is unintentional.

GENTLE READER: You wouldn't want to inject some warmth into this scheduling negotiation, would you?

Miss Manners doesn't want to promote anything untoward, but you said this was a gentleman friend, and a nice one at that. So why does it sound as if you are complaining about waiting for the plumber?

The plumber would probably be more forthright in making the point that everyone has a busy schedule, lady, and not everyone is ready to jump when you name a time.

If, instead, you said, "Oh, yes, please do come, I'm dying to see you," named several dates and, if none of these was convenient, mentioned still more dates, Miss Manners imagines he would come running. He might even bring the plumber with him.

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